Healing the pain

So winters here again, the extended darkness, cold weather and usually lots of miserable faces.

This is the hibernating period, the time when you spend more time home alone or with your family, when you can reflect on the past year and the next to come.

This time of year for me has always been depressing not so much this year but the reflection time is definitely soul piercing! Looking back at my years mistakes, looking at others attitude towards me and before you know it you're going years back and remembering childhood hurts and upsets, then you start to realise how relationships with family and long term friends have formed twisted and unhealthily instead of loving and fruitful.

You start to realise why it feels like you've been banging your head against the same wall for years!

Then you realise that those childhood hurts still hurt, those traumas have imprinted on your mind and divine healing is needed, only problem is for a time divine healing hurts, it's almost worse than the original pain you had to begin with. Of course the after result is deliverance and a new fresh batch of power strength and positivity. In the mean time there are tears, maybe even distorted prayers life might even start to crumble because you haven't built on a solid foundation but on hurt, pain, cracks and disappointment. None of those things are a foundation to be built on, they're the cause of destruction and devastation.

My life up to now even though it's taken a turn for the better has been full of negatives and I dealt with them by pushing them down and putting something else in their place, only now I'm building a future with God and he's saying it's time to dig up those feelings and get rid of them. There's so many I don't want to I don't want to relive the pain or remember how I felt or have to repeat why, I just want it to go away!!!

I hate the way I feel like I float through life while I'm trying to deal with these situations and I overlook my children, I try to stay connected but I'm so wrapped up in my pain whatever they say goes in one ear and out the other. They have no idea what's going on, according to them last week we were just a happy little family baking and watching movies together. This week mummy's locked herself in her room and goes straight to bed after dinner. It's not fair on them but I don't know any other way of dealing with my situation. I don't have that live in partner to bear me up in prayer or keep things rolling when I fall flat.

But in saying all that I have God!!! Only through Him was I able to make it to the healing through worship 1 day course through all the upheaval and the battles the lack and the want. He paved the way I was able to be blessed with the money to get to and from the destination and also bless others.

I almost gave up but my dear sister-in-Christ told me No! And from that little push and the outcome of the result vid decided giving up is no longer an option for my life. It may get hard, I may not see a way out but like a bird hatching from it's egg once it breaks through it's stronger than before... Mission accomplished.

Investments & Returns

Recently my social life has been a myth but luckily I have children! As irritating as they can be with their selective hearing and their own lists of appropriate behaviour, because mine is totally unacceptable of course. I've made a conscious effort to put more time into them all even though I already knew that sometimes if a child doesn't feel loved at home they seek that love and acceptance elsewhere sometimes leading them into problems and dangerous situations. No parent wants hardships or danger for their children. At the same time it helps me not to crave the attention I was receiving from my past relationship, it has genuinely been fun little random shopping trips,going to see the Christmas lights in the centre being turned on ( we were actually super late and just walked around looking at the lights), exercising together, baking again and probably my favourite beauty treatments and pamper sessions!

Including my son I believe men should take care of themselves to I'm pretty sure there are a good number of men with crusty feet out there, it's really not necessary!!!

I'm a qualified nail technician and beautician so I have a lot of left over beauty products from my student and self-employment days, I could never bring myself to throw them away so from time to time they come out and as true little girls do when mummy gets a treatment they want one too. We currently have matching minx toenails (obviously not my son) and we've had a few make up and facial session. What I didn't realise is that as I'm treating myself and my children I'm teaching them, when Kezia offered to help with my facial my initial reaction was nahhhh but then I thought it's just a bit of fun so I let her get  involved to my surprise she was really good at it the technique she used to apply my mask, tone my face and moisturise it, that came with a little face massage followed by a short foot massage. I'm blown away by this I didn't have any idea how much she's learned just my receiving and watch me perform treatments.

I've been going to university open days and taking them with me and hearing them planning careers like nursing and telling me they'll be going to 'that uni we went to today' it sounds pretty basic if you don't understand why I'm so happy.

As a child I wasn't encouraged of guided to do much in my memory and it's taken me many years of quitting, failure, floating through life, being lost in thought and direction before I could finally make a decision on my future I won't pretend I came to that decision entirely on my own if God hadn't put that desire in me I most likely still wouldn't have a clue now. Looking back on all the courses I started but didn't finish or all the jobs I've had I've got loads of skills and experience today they all lead me to my future they tie in well. I laugh to myself when I think about my foot phobia and how I had to overcome it and learn pedicures to pass my nail course, and how I was extremely uncomfortable with close body contact but in order to pass my beauty course I had to get over it. Body contact and interaction with others is pretty much necessary on a daily basis in the working world. God knew what he was doing when I only wanted something to do to get me out the house. I didn't realise at the time I would be investing in my future,  and my calling. It's even more amazing to know I can take a skill I've learnt and invest it in my children so they grow aswell. The foundation we lay for our babies is very important you don't always see the benefits at first but eventually they start to return, with interest!

The fact my son was around 11 when I began to find out who and what I am is noticeable, he still shows signs of being unsettled, unsure and inconfidence, if course he puts on a front but I'm mom' I see right through it.

To me this means I've got to put in double the work with him to give him a better chance and to reverse the effects of instability in his life and decisions. Although he's 14 he needs me to hold his hand every step of the way until he gets to his destination sometimes his attitude and behaviour make me not want to go near him let alone invest my time and effort into him, I'm a single parent with two other children my time seems limited in between my own studies, having to search for a job, the at home stuff and trying to stay spiritually boosted. 

At times I still feel like just giving it all up but I get a lot of signs and conscience pricking to do with me learning to step outside my comfort zone and not to stop pushing always stay praying.

When I get little returns like my girls giving me beauty treatments I know I have to keep going even if it's slowly I can give up it doesn't just affect my future it affects their foundation. No parent wants their child to struggle in life. 

Catch up

So much has happened I've not known where to start, but if I'm gonna start somewhere I might as well start with God is good!!!

My understanding of his love for me has increased and I'm even more grateful for his agape love than ever before!

Despite the fact I allowed myself to take part in a relationship that was clearly a counterfeit blessing he kept me, things could have ended worse, I could even still be on the spirit sapping relationship, constantly fighting for peace of mind. He started out so perfect finishing my sentences and almost reading my thoughts. He was so kind and caring and seemingly thoughtful...

The not-so-perfect guy I was dating turned out to be a complete nut job! My course although it's nearly all new to me, isn't as hard as everyone predicted, I admittedly failed my first essay and understand practically nothing about ICT and statistics. Finally all my children are in school and masses of progress with their learning and behaviour are being made. I can see a love for learning in them I prayed so much for this.

My relationships with my parents are healing. My house is more of a home than ever and I have an absolutely new perspective on my life!!!

It's still not a walk in the park and recently I've been feeling heavy and unusually sad. I feel as though people still think I have everything together and under control and therefore can manage more... I actually am like everyone else desperately trying to keep everything together and under control!

At the moment exercise and fitness are keeping me sane it's a healthy way for me to inflict pain on myself without scars or shame or health problems.

Looking through all my note books I see how far I've come this last year and how many of my prayers have been answered.

I'm finding myself and rooting myself in Christ, but the cell group I was part of seems to have disbanded?!?! It's not a bad thing my priority is my children, the first ministry God has given me, so I'm usually home with them watching movies (that's our thing at the moment) but in all honesty I can't help but wonder if we're supposed to make more time for each other or if it was just a time and season to get us through our hardest part of  our journeys, the first part.

A few of us have moved city, gotten engaged and married, things are constantly changing it's hard to keep up, but I now know God never changes He is always faithful and true! Focusing on temporary things doesn't amount to anything but focusing on God will move mountains and amount to greatness 

Winter worshipper, summer sinner

For as long as I've been 'saved' I've been hardcore all for Christ in the winter and doing my own thing in summer!

Church is usually quite empty in the summer because that's when everyone goes on holiday and for me it seemed boring, no point going to see empty seats.

Last year I noticed my cycle and this year I decided to do something about it... I was going on a vacation from God I was gonna stick right with him and go even more, read more, pray more, worship more, you know the standard things that go out the window when the sun comes out. I'll admit  hoping next year I'm even better at it, more loyal to the core of my life.

 It wasn't easy I almost went off track, but the burning inside reminded me that I was lacking and surviving each day rather than living it.

Then tragedy struck sickness followed by a death of someone close to my heart, it was a serious jolt, if I wasn't leaning on God I could have slipped right into a deep hole.

Last summer I was on antidepressants because I couldn't cope with the responsibilities and frustrations of moving into a sh*thole basically alongside trying to maintain minimal disruption to my children especially with Angel having learning difficulties and finding school hard enough.

This year I'm dealing with a house full of 9 children and 3 adults, 2 birthday parties within 2 weeks, a stalkerish kind of ex boyfriend (that's a whole other blog) and the death of a loved one! Hand on my heart if it wasn't for the love and peace given to me by God I would be back on them pills.

I've even managed to get a little job covering staff leave.

Without God none of this would have been possible I'm glad I saw a kink in my path n resolved to straighten it. Nearly the whole world lives for the summer which is only 3 months out of twelve why focus on only 3 when you have 12???

My worship aka christian lifestyle should be all year round because God doesn't take holidays from watching over me.

The calm I feel I'm the midst of the storm is amazing! I'm beginning to grasp the meaning of keep your eyes upon God. As many people have said bring a christian doesn't mean life gets easy it simply means God will give you the tools to get through all circumstances.

And to top that off I've stopped smoking at one of the most stressful times possible. I pray I stay a non-smoker it's not something I enjoyed, it pretty much had a hold on me and I like to feel free so like the man, the cigarettes had to go...!

Hard work!

Well after whining about being single for so long I come I realise it's not actually that bad. Relationships are hard work... Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

I'm a runner when things get difficult or don't go according to my plans I run/ walk away I can only imagine what success I could have had if I'd stuck at a few things.

The worst thing is I see these traits in my children, so quick to give up, change direction and decide it's not the pasty they want to follow because it's not an easy path.

I don't want that for my children I have to keep pushing them, and lead by example  which for me would be hard because I've set no example previously.

But! What do you do when you have no peace in a situation

No longer single

So it seems the name for my blog has become inaccurate I'm not actually single and I haven't been for a couple of months now.

I was introduced to a man who is soooo sweet! Too much if him and I may need to visit the dentist.

It's very new and very confusing to me, relationships aren't really my strength and  Godly relationships are a complete mystery!

He isn't a Christian, which potentially could be a problem. Our relationship is what the bible states as unequally yoked.

It may not always be that way because with God anything is possible.

I had a fairy tale scenario in my head and reality doesn't quite match up so I spend a lot of time questioning things and analysing situations which to be honest takes so much joy out of the whole set up.

He has issues and so do I! A few people have said it's not my responsibility to take him on the way he is, but if it was the other way round would it be fine?

To me the bottom line is I'm a praying woman and a child of the most high God so is it right to say I shouldn't deal with my relationship with that in the forefront of my mind? Prayer changes everything can I not pray him 'perfect'?

I see so much potential in him and I also see that everyone else has gotten frustrated and given up with him. God wouldn't do that and I have the love of God in me so shouldn't I use it for good?

As you can tell I'm full of questions constantly swimming in them almost drowning if I'm honest. 

I don't know if he's the one... He made up his mind when I bet him he was going to marry me and enjoy family life. I heard that and though get this weirdo away from me!!!

That was completely new to my ears and he actually sounded like he meant it. I tried to find every reason possible why I couldn't be with him but I was very gently drawn to the place I am now, where I can vaguely picture what he sees.

I'm desperately deciphering messages and visions I've had from God in the past. 

The one thing I should do I seem to be avoiding 'pray & fast' there lies all my answers, but they guy is a feeder he works in a food shop so he's always bringing me food. In almost as many weeks I've put on 8lb!!! Not good because I work hard at losing weight.

He compliments me daily and everything I do seems to amaze and amuse him (not sure whether that's a good thing).

He deals well with my outbursts and mood swings, which don't seen to bad even though I'm off my meds. I take them when I remember, not very often. I don't suffer from the withdrawal headaches I did the last few times I came off.

He's helpful and the girls live him and his daughter, my son however is not impressed... To be expected he's been my main man for a long time now.

He's super affectionate, I found that so suffocating to begin with, having someone always want to hug kiss and touch you. I'm warming to it now even public displays are a little less painful. I've never been one for open displays if affection they were embarrassing and awkward for me I would avoid them like the plague!

Bottom line is there are pros and cons to this relationship but I'd rather not find out the hard way....

Off the meds

So much had happened recently I haven't had much have to sit and blog, there's always something going on almost too much.

I feel like I've been floating through the last few weeks, months my feet never quite touching the 'hard' floor. When everything's hard that's fine sometimes necessary. I feel like I've been in bubble land bouncing off soft surfaces until I'm dizzy because I'm always bouncing... Never getting a moment to stop and get a feel of my surroundings, set down any roots. It's frustrating now I may well be making progress in life but I don't see it!

I've taken myself off the medication I've been on, I probably shouldn't but that witch on the gp's reception really doesn't help anything at all,

So far the symptoms of withdrawal are headaches, tiredness, aggression, reckless spending, poor eating habits and inability to focus on any one thing for a period of time.

No I didn't read them off the leaflet I just regularly examine myself and my motives.

A few weeks ago someone suggested I lose my happy because it's unnatural and bringing unwanted attention, I originally thought it was the Jesus effect that was making me happy and u thought no way can I go without him!

Apparently it's the happy pills I've been on. Let's see how this person reacts to the less happy me... I bet he wasn't counting on being included in the mix lol.

My son doesn't want me to come off them after last time, understandable which teenage child wouldn't want an unnecessarily calm mum? 

I wasn't prepared last time, I'm ready to fight this time it's my mind and I should be in control! Romans 12:1-2 refers to the renewing of the mind, which tells me it's within my power to train my mind.

I need to tell my mind I'm not a procrastinator, I'm not confused, I'm not interested in moping round with depression and I don't want to hang myself! It's my mind in my body and what I say goes that's how I intend it to be from now on. Self control I believe is one of the fruits of the spirit, I've been given all of the fruits so why not let them grow and manifest? That's what makes me different, that's what makes me a Christian, child of God. 

I'm aware it's not going to be easy especially in the next few weeks. 

I want to be dedicated I want what I had before I started gettin emotional and unstable because I clearly can have it.

I declared 2014 was gonna be a great year and I don't like to lie.

If that means I go to bed at 8pm so be it! 

Staying up late to socialise and cater to the needs of everyone else isn't what I'm called to do right now I'm a mother and the head of my home I need to lead my family successfully and orderly!

I can't help others if I can't help myself.

Short term goals:- 

Finish decorating my home

Get the bedtime routine back in place 

Make exercise a family thing 

I will keep you updated of course pray for me as I begin taking steps to restoration!

I've fallen in love

So in the past few weeks I've managed to fall head over heels in love...

This person has always been there for me. He's helped me, he's straight talked to me, given me constructive christian, helped me to change for the better.

I'm still a 'sucky' person but he's not even bothered about all my flaws like I am!!! He's always been there to make sure I don't go without, and even when I fall out with him, ignore him and try my hardest to rub him up the wrong way he's like "I'm not even worried about all of that"

How could one man be so perfect?

How could one man make me feel so good?

When have I ever wanted to give my all to one man like this?

I'm very near the point of being willing to do just about anything for him!

When I think of him I feel happy, I get butterflies, it even feels like my heart swells.

I can't stop smiling even when I don't want to.

So many memories of me and him from over the years flood my mind on a daily basis.

I don't want anyone to have his spot! These lovely men that seem to be offering me the world don't compare to him in the slightest! I don't want anyone but him!!!

I could talk about him and how he makes me feel all day, but I'm going to share my secret as  sure you're wandering who this fine specimen of a man is and whether he has any brothers lol.

His name is Yeshua, you might know him as Jesus! He's absolutely wonderful, it's the best relationship if my life... He brings out all my finer qualities and he makes my heart love in a wholesome way.

He talks to me all the time, and most importantly he listens to me.

He makes me want to do better. I'm his and he's mine! We are exclusive and he isn't ashamed of me in fact he loves me so much he wants to show me off to the world!

I'm his treasure and he is all the treasure I need.

I dress to impress him, but he doesn't mind my jogger and tee days. He helps me to see myself as he sees me, and do you know what? It's a beautiful sight!

No one else compares to him and no one can make me feel as good about myself as he does.

I don't know what happens from here on out but I know I've never felt like this and I don't want to lose this feeling ever...

Depression

Despite the fact I'm always trying to help those in need I actually can't help myself very much!

It makes no sense to me how I can worry about homeless people and lost souls when I can't function properly without my daily meds.

The embarrassing part is looking back on my actions when I haven't taken them regularly, it worries me now that I need them. I shouldn't have to even take them I've got God right!?

So why is it so difficult to have a normal day without them? Why can I not deal with my emotions and feelings like a rational adult? I'm almost 30 and a mother of three for crying out loud.

The most puzzling part is why do I find I need them to 'prop me up' more now than when I was 'of the world'?

Depression and anxiety isn't something Christians speak of much other than "it's from the devil!" Doesn't really help lol

I know I don't have weed and alcohol as crutches any more. Did I actually depend on them that much?

What do I do now when things start to get on top of me, I don't want hear a single person utter pray!!!

It's not really as simple as just praying, without my pills I'm on edge, I'm nervous, snappy and anxious, my minds busier than a bee in the height of summer and motivating myself is double effort!

It's like standing in quick sand, you sink so slowly it's almost painful to see. 

It's totally not fair on my children or any other innocent bystander. Imagine getting road rage when you're not even driving!!!

Wanting to beat people up for the tiniest offenses and wanting to cry for no apparent reason, but there's never a spare drop of water at the time.

I haven't felt like this for a long time, now unfortunately, my doctors have changed their computer system and getting hold of a prescription is like squeezing blood out of a stone... The more walls I come up against the more anxious and frustrated I get before I finally give up, sulk and sink into despair and depression!

What's really weird is everyone keeps texting and asking me if I'm ok. I am ok I'm not hungry, cold or homeless in that sense I'm great. On the other hand I feel a slow decline to death coming on, I can't really be bothered to explain it to anyone because unless they've been through it they just don't get it.

Of course Christians aren't meant to suffer from these things there is probably a few scriptures about this loads of prophets were often depressed, even King David went through it but right now I could read those same scriptures repeatedly and it would bounce off my heart like water off a rock, it just isn't receptive when I'm like this. 

Think I'll scrap the makeup tomorrow and try going to the doctors personally, time is usually against me in all honesty but no way am I going back to that cave I hide in when the world around me gets too much, if that fails I have choir practice so that may help for the time being.

Chances are I'll write a really chipper blog in a few days like this never happened lol

I'm not crazy, well at least I don't think I am!?!?

Wifey material?

I can't believe I made it through January! Thank God for bringing me through it wasn't as tough as previous years have been but January isn't usually an easy month for anyone.

What I've come to realise more in the recent weeks is that me and my sisters are struggling, with being single. We say we won't compromise, and we mean it but we do! There's always the one that got away that we now recognise and wish we could do things over. 

It never used to be a problem to be single, for me it was always a choice. Now however it's a struggle in my group and among a lot I christian women all we desire is to be settled down. Is it because sex out of marriage isn't the way, but we're so use to having it we can't see any other way?

It's not like no one doesn't have sex outside of marriage I'm guilty of that, but that's another blog for another day!

I've come to realise some of us don't love or value ourselves enough yet, some of us are impatient, some of us have had some bad counsel. Being a single Christian woman has some serious taboo areas! I mean who do we talk to about these things? Married people seem too scared to even want to hear these things... I don't want to be single for the rest of my days, but I sure don't want to forget how I feel so I can help the future singles in years to come. Unfortunately there is no set answer to deal with these problems no one answer to cure our feelings of guilt and frustration. 

No knowing if you will get married to your soul mate and live prayerfully ever after or if you're called to a life of celibacy serving God alone!! I think the latter scares a lot of women I can't say it scares me, but I'd rather know so I set my sights on the right goal. I've stopped preparing for my 'future husband' and started taking one day at a time. My children are my focus but I can't focus on them if I don't stay close to God. I feel like I've been drifting in months past getting lukewarm, which is something he doesn't want! Scripture says to be hot or cold, it makes sense really because I've never met any person who likes lukewarm drinks.

If I go back a few months to where I was focused on preparing for marriage if I'm honest I was overwhelmed, I got myself all stressed and flustered trying to ready myself lool how does that make sense? God made man from dirt/ mud since  when could dirt clean dirt? How can I prepare and clean myself off if my views on relationships and men are distorted and worldly? It's safe to say that didn't last long anyway before I knew it I got sidetracked and lost my footing.

So what are we supposed to do to prepare for marriage? My answer to that question is nothing just work on improving yourself and your skills for example I'm trying new recipes and perfecting old ones, not for any potential husband just because it's a skill I'd like to have in the meantime my children can enjoy my new found culinary skills. I'm going to the gym not so I can be slimmer for my husband, but because it helps me clear my mind of all the daily clutter, it's my personal child free time and it actually helps my breathing when singing. I have now conquered my cleaning and am getting the children into the habit of helping, not because no man wants to take on lazy family, but because we deserve a clean house, it's way too much for me to do alone and I'm training my children for when they grow up and leave home to start their own little families.

The bed time routine is stronger and more consistent than ever before, without it the whole house crumbles.

All these changes haven't happened all at once they've been gradual and even unnoticeable at first. I'm grateful for them nonetheless, I appreciate them more because I know God implemented them not me and when God lays the foundation the building cannot be shaken!

Someone aske me last week if I feel as bough I'm preparing for something, I said no I'm doing what's necessary for right now, my home needs decorating now so me and my children have a nice home to live in, not just because a man might want a nice place to live if and when I meet him.

So looking at the bigger picture maybe I am being readied for a husband but I know there is still a lot of work to be done, but you know what? I'm not worried today I'm going to devote myself to my God and my family and be grateful for what I already have!

Suffer not the little children

For a few weeks my 4 year old gas been expressing the desire to get baptised. Which I think is too cute and have no problem with, ministers and pastors however feel she's too young again I have no problem with that either. I know if it's meant to be God will make a way!

She's been having vivid, almost prophetic  dreams. She's been saying things that are most unchild like, but not scary. Her whole persona has changed, she still challenges me but less and focuses more on kisses, cuddles and quality time with me.

I even had a nightmare in which she was my protector and came to my defence, fearless and brave as she is!

We've had a busy, stressful year I think now she's finally starting to settle, the good fruit is showing from within her. She has more often got an encouraging word for me or her brother and sister sometimes even scripture lol.

Basically at her young age she's developing a relationship with God that is so awesome, on Sunday we went to a baptism service at our new church and she randomly started playing up! She was infact tormenting me and anyone else she could get eye contact with. It was getting to me but she likes to cry loud in quiet times and I can't take the embarrassment.

So I just decided to ignore her, that usually calms her down real quick.

It came to the actual dunking part and she really wanted to get in she took off her shoes and asked me to go with her to the front, which just resulted in us walking past the whole church while the pastor was preaching, eeekkk!!!

Then there was alter call her little hand shot up fast, because she was so small she wasn't seen but I told her she could go up. She walked up boldly to get her blessing, after receiving her prayer he didn't budge from the alter her little face was almost screwed up tight, and her hands were clamped tight together the pastor thought she was upset lol.

It brought tears to my eyes it was so beautiful to see, the presence of The Holy Spirit was all over her, she was there physically but you could see in her mind she was in a much happier place. As she turned to walk from the alter he broke out into a skip.

She was blessed with a children's bible which she is asking me to read to her everyday so far, and more than once!

It was surprising to me and maybe the rest of the church too.

I remember my S.I.C asking why she was acting like that, when I got home I texted "the devil knew his time was up so he started playing havoc!" I mean literally though on a normal day me and her would have fallen out and she would have been to angry to go get her blessing, I thank God for the extra patience he gave me on Sunday night and that what the devil meant for bad, he turned to use for good... I wish all my battles were so simple :)

Forgotten blog: putting my vagina in Gods hands

Confession time! I've been having sexual relations with an old friend for almost a year now, it wasn't regular at first now it seems to be becoming more and more frequent!

My Aunty asked me not to use that title, but it made me chuckle and I have no other way to explain it.

I miss the affection and intimate company  of males. I can go so long without it and then I crumble and walk right back into what I was just free from. It's not just the act it's the whole connection around it, sex is totally spiritual and I get that but it's that spiritual connection I yearn for.

I admit I want sex less and less by the day, but it doesn't stop me doing it.

I don't feel as though it's something I can just decide to stop then just stop, maybe I can and I doubt myself or maybe it's one of those slow processes that some of us have to go through.

I have noticed a change within myself in relation to my 'weakness' but it's a small change or rather a series of small changes.

It's not a huge desire like it used to be, it's almost like a hobby now I just do it when I can, if I can either be bothered. Male attention still really bugs me even though it used to have the opposite effect! I don't quite know how to be straight, without coming across rude. So I'm polite and friendly which men seem to take as interest.

Kind of a catch 22 trying to be Christlike, but being blunt enough to shoot down unwanted advances.

I've managed to cut off all my 'links' any sexual ties or just unhealthy relationships with any men possibly wanting more!

I don't even feel bad I feel free and clean!

I'm content with me my provider and my children.

I've got personal goals to accomplish and I can't have distractions weighing me down I'm 30 in a short while and I've had a lifetime of failures and aborted dreams, usually because of men.

I feel like Gods going to push me to the top and when I get there I'll see my king, who will be ready to make me a queen.

My dress sense has changed even more since my last little transformation. 

Music is my medicine

Oooh I did a wee interview about being in the community choir. Exciting! It was a little weird being followed by a man with an iPhone but I'm sure it will look great. Talking about why I love music and what singing does for me really bought it home to me that it's very much a part if my life and maybe even my ministry.

It brings it to my attention that I come from a musical family and it is a natural talent I've been trying to deny, in fact both sides of my family are musical. DJs and promoters, dancers and just general music appreciators. On my maternal side I have multiple instrument players, singers, song writers, choir members and probably more than I even know. My children can rap and sing mainly freestyle, they had to have got it from somewhere right!? Not trying to gas but it's got to be me lol.

The kind of music we listen to can determine the way we are with each other, out thoughts and actions. I don't doubt that there are subliminal messages in secular/ popular music, there are even hidden Christian lyrics in some I those same songs.

At my darkest hour music brought me through, I couldn't imagine where I be now if I hadn't listened to music or unconsciously sung words to lift my spirit. At one stage I wanted to join the worship team at church, that didn't work out i'm probably not ready especially given my slip in lifestyle, it not likely wouldn't be a good look.

Ministry starts at home anyway, my children no longer shout shut up when I sing out loud, well only sometimes lol. 

When my cousin comes to see me, if something's wrong I start singing uncontrollably. He says there's nothing up I turn look at him and say "I'm singing again and I don't even want to something's up"

It's clear that it's something I should pay more attention to, whether I will is another story, I know what I'm supposed to do but very rarely do it... Then I spend my time whinging and crying that things aren't going my way lol.

I'll pray on it and ask God to guide me, things are happening now that are surprising to me, I didn't know I would be capable of doing things that I conjoured  up in my imagination.

I'll keep you posted 

Here's the link to my interview don't laugh lol 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wbYeMjwkYHM&feature=youtu.be&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DwbYeMjwkYHM%26feature%3Dyoutu.be

Happy new year?

Hey so sorry I've been so quiet! With all 3 children home and lots of parties and gatherings to go to over the Christmas period I've barely had a chance to speak if Gods greatness and my crapiness, if that's even a word.

Sooo much has happened I wouldn't know where to begin! Unfortunately there's been unexpected deaths and sicknesses all around my family, it's pretty disturbing with none of them being 'saved' as such I don't want anyone else to be struck down without their ticket to heaven secure in their hearts.

It's been quite confounding that this gas happened I haven't been able to get up and travel across the country like I used to, to comfort and encourage everyone. Normally I would be distressed and depressed. There's a few reasons why I'm not but my favourite is last year when my Aunty was diagnosed with breast cancer and I was in severe financial difficulty and couldn't get to see her, my prayers still reached. My family still remained close, I was still kept in the loop and she totally kicked cancers ass!

It still hurts me a little that I wasn't able to hug and care for her even if just for a weekend, but I know my prayers were more help than I could ever be physically.

I've been in spiritual warfare for my little cousin, the kind I didn't know I was able to do. It was so real my heart began to beat like I was running when I saw what saw.

I've almost been drowned in self pity but Gods decided to bless me with knowledge, understanding and temporary rest bite from the battlefield . It's time to spend with my children, nurturing and raising them righteously. Time to ready myself for this calling I'm being prepared for.

Just before Christmas the devil tried one more attempt to get me out of Gods covering, but I'm here today pleased to say "ha, it didn't work".

Even when followed by all the bad news I held on to Jesus, the words of the bible the voice of God and I kept pushing through. 

I was once told how you spend your January determines the rest if your year, if that is accurate I plan to spend January hopeful, to keep looking forward, but only one step at a time. If you watch your step  you are less likely to stumble.

You know that song 'one step at a time sweet Jesus, that is all I am asking of you , show the way, teach me to take, one day at a time' ( I am aware that might be my own version lol forgive me for any errors, but I'm sure you get my point).

I'm not interested in the 5 and 10 year plan I don't know if I have that long I only know I have now and I'm going to live for Jesus today, tomorrow can worry about itself although if I witness it I will be prepared for it.

I've gone so hard in my own strength at 29 years old I'm already tired, so I let God do it all, he knows best anyway.

The last 8 day haven't gone to plan but they have been better than I could have imagined... They're a a scripture for that lol

Bare me and my families in mind and feel free to pray as I do and will for you

Have a God blessed year!