It makes no sense to me how I can worry about homeless people and lost souls when I can't function properly without my daily meds.
The embarrassing part is looking back on my actions when I haven't taken them regularly, it worries me now that I need them. I shouldn't have to even take them I've got God right!?
So why is it so difficult to have a normal day without them? Why can I not deal with my emotions and feelings like a rational adult? I'm almost 30 and a mother of three for crying out loud.
The most puzzling part is why do I find I need them to 'prop me up' more now than when I was 'of the world'?
Depression and anxiety isn't something Christians speak of much other than "it's from the devil!" Doesn't really help lol
I know I don't have weed and alcohol as crutches any more. Did I actually depend on them that much?
What do I do now when things start to get on top of me, I don't want hear a single person utter pray!!!
It's not really as simple as just praying, without my pills I'm on edge, I'm nervous, snappy and anxious, my minds busier than a bee in the height of summer and motivating myself is double effort!
It's like standing in quick sand, you sink so slowly it's almost painful to see.
It's totally not fair on my children or any other innocent bystander. Imagine getting road rage when you're not even driving!!!
Wanting to beat people up for the tiniest offenses and wanting to cry for no apparent reason, but there's never a spare drop of water at the time.
I haven't felt like this for a long time, now unfortunately, my doctors have changed their computer system and getting hold of a prescription is like squeezing blood out of a stone... The more walls I come up against the more anxious and frustrated I get before I finally give up, sulk and sink into despair and depression!
What's really weird is everyone keeps texting and asking me if I'm ok. I am ok I'm not hungry, cold or homeless in that sense I'm great. On the other hand I feel a slow decline to death coming on, I can't really be bothered to explain it to anyone because unless they've been through it they just don't get it.
Of course Christians aren't meant to suffer from these things there is probably a few scriptures about this loads of prophets were often depressed, even King David went through it but right now I could read those same scriptures repeatedly and it would bounce off my heart like water off a rock, it just isn't receptive when I'm like this.
Think I'll scrap the makeup tomorrow and try going to the doctors personally, time is usually against me in all honesty but no way am I going back to that cave I hide in when the world around me gets too much, if that fails I have choir practice so that may help for the time being.
Chances are I'll write a really chipper blog in a few days like this never happened lol
I'm not crazy, well at least I don't think I am!?!?
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