Daddys girl, mummy's boy

Well hello! It's been a while I hope the day finds you well.

I've been so off track recently and I've had a bit of illness to endure so I've been fairly quiet.

I have a spot of good news to share!

A while back I felt as though God told me to bless someone with £200! Yes I know I don't even work and I'm handing out sums of money like that lol.

I went through my usual "oh but I wanted to buy..." And "it's the first time in months I've got 'play' money" but u did it I sowed my seed and prayed on it and to be honest I was a bit of a bad farmer and forgot about it. But, God didn't it's coming up to the celebration we call Christmas and u planned to keep it so low profile that I didn't bother with trees (that's another blog for another day) decorations or masses of unnecessary toys and clothes, in all honesty I was waiting for the sales.

I haven't bought a lot more than £30 worth of gifts for my children because I don't want them to think that's what it's about I want them to recognise it's not all about them and that I buy them things often, things needed and rewards for good behaviour.

Under my tree is presents from others enough to keep them happy for the rest of the holidays. I also received £200 to do food shopping from my brother ( the shock of it. Really I'm startled) 

So my tree isn't bare my cupboards are overflowing I've even got change left over!!!

Now I'm not saying I got all these blessings because I gave someone money. I'm saying wow lol

That would be an amazing coincidence to get back the £200 when I 'need' it the exact amount I gave away.

And I didn't stress and strive over getting money for presents, I didn't take out a loan even though I was tempted. My Heavenly Father has provided above and beyond what I could have imagined.

He literally took care of all my needs and I didn't even ask, I've just been trying to get as close to him as I was before my slip.

He even gave me a little view of January and I must say I am well pleased! Also kind of embarrassed at my outburst towards him. He knew I had all this coming, I was on the edge of a breakthrough and didn't even know it. I'm hoping I can recognise the signs next time, I screwed up this time so I can assure you there will be a next time (roll my eyes-at myself)

I finished my decorating at light speed it was over by the time I'd gotten into it. Now I want to do the bit I was willing to pay someone to do for me, but not until next year I'm taking time out to re cooperate.

I feel somewhat lighter, less burdened it could be my medication but I highly doubt it has that much power over my life. 

It's not easy being me, though people seem to think it is... My son's 13 ask any parent of grown up children or parents of teens and they'll have you there for hours with their stories and their ups and downs.

It dawned on me that even though we know to speak life (positivity) we sometimes don't realise when we speak death (negativity & criticism).

Most people will agree teenagers are moody, selfish and lazy. If we keep saying it they will be.

I was thinking on the last few hectic weeks with my son and his friends and could swear I heard God say not to speak ill about his anointed and I remembered my son has been baptised (don't know how I could really forget that). 

What that means us he has the same legal spiritual rights as me he's not just my son, he's my brother which means I need to encourage and deify him the way my sisters-in-Christ have been doing with me. 

I can't just say "oh ur lazy" etc because he's Gods child I'm just speaking judgement on myself.

As parents we are supposed to teach and encourage our children to do good. It took for the break down in relationship with my own mum for me to recognise who and what a parent should be.

There is only a 15 year age gap between me and my son, which means our relationship isn't strictly mother/ son. We are like brother and sister and friends too.

Some people don't think parents should be their children's friends, but we openly talk to our friends and I want all my children to openly talk to me. I want to know exactly what I need to pray for, we don't have time for 'general' prayers or assumptive prayers we need to get straight to the heart!

This is so off subject but I guess it needed to be said.

My son walks with me daily, he knows my struggles, battles and triumphs better than anyone and I always let him know it's Gods hand that provides for us because my way would have been me high and them eating toast or something. It sounds terrible but I didn't always have positive guidance so my reactions to situations out of my hands was to self destruct. If I hurt myself first then anything after is a minor.

He sees first hand the miracles and workings of God in our lives.

I even tell him when I'm slipping, we don't need to go into detail, but I like to think he prays for me and is unfortunately fast forwarding into his role of man of the house' whilst learning from mistakes that I freely own up to, and learning the consequence of sin and disobedience.

The same son that stresses me is the same son that blesses me!

My children teach me so much I feel how God feels towards me, when I think of how I feel towards them.

He looks after me better than anyone ever has, his promises are real and true. He just requires honesty that's something   I stress to my children if they've been naughty just own up. Mistakes are inevitable, putting your life in Gods hands will never be a mistake no matter what  or how you feel 

Heart breaking

I met a young man last night who had been badly beaten up and mugged whilst waiting for his coach home to London. 

My brother called me at around 4am to say he was outside, random because seconds before he came I woke out of a deep sleep.

He had saved his life!!!

This 18 year old boy was so distressed I just wanted to grab him and hold him until he was healed. 

In all honesty the night was completely God ordained, I was supposed to go link my man friend and I fell asleep if I had gone out I would have been too tired to wake up when I did.

Many people have asked why I chose to move back to the intercity because it's so  'crime ridden' but looking at the bigger picture if I wasn't here on a bibical named street would I be able to open my doors to people in need? 

God sends the light into the darkness! Even if I'm not the brightest light, living the most righteously if I'm only a bright light in some circumstances I'm a light none the less, in the intercity where it's most dark and in need of light.

As I walk through the streets nowadays even in my not so righteous state I know I'm different I can almost feel my aura glowing on my surroundings. I feel more pleasant towards people, I'm weirdly happier within myself. I smile for no reason which might be why people stare at me like I've got a big spot on my nose lol.

I can't help but help! These last few weeks I've decorated and pulled my life back into order (still a work in progress but way better than before) and all I've been saying to God is I'm getting what I want but I feel an emptiness inside in comparison to how I felt when I was doing your will and not my own!?

When I was doing his will I only wanted to do my own, how confusing does that sound? You could say I'm a typical woman always changing my mind.

I used to take people in that needed somewhere to live when I had a spare room in my old house. They weren't the best experiences if I'm honest but I still open my home to those in need, some only need a drink and a chat, some need toilet roll, some need a bed for the night. If I can provide it I'm in a position to give why should I not?

I'm blessed and I appreciate it enough to bless someone else out of what I have.

I need so much (in my opinion anyway, doubt God sees them as needs), but there are always people who need something so little, something I may over look and take for granted.

I've been in need many a times and those who could have helped me chose not to, I'd they had chosen to bless me I might have avoided some dire situations. 

I'm not confirming these people I'm taking those experiences and using them for good.

My son got to see the possible outcome of being in the wrong place, with the wrong people for things you needn't be dealing with, the young man happily spoke to him to give him some sound advice! Stabbed and arm broken for a little weed, it's not worth it. I lived weed for many years and it's not harmless, it is a drug that distorts your thinking and can put you in dangerous situations. Whether selling or smoking it's illegal for a reason.

It was also a chance for my brother, who is running from his calling, to develop his ministry skills. It was amazing to hear him talking and testifying to this young man about a better way of life and the consequences of his lifestyle.

Moral of the story is God is good!!!

He never ceases to amaze me and I love the way he uses me even after all the times I've failed him.

Scripture says taste and see that The Lord is good, I feel like I've just eaten the sweetest pie ever and I don't want to be a gluten but I want more :)

Back on the narrow road

 December, new start or should I say try again?

For me it seems like ages since I last blogged, so much has happened I wouldn't know where to begin, but I will say I've had  to do a lot of listening instead of talking.

I am absolutely grateful for, whom I consider, my armour bearer . Without her prayers and encouragement I don't think I could have come through this without her support.

I'm kind of guessing all that's been going on has been an attempt to stop me going where I need to be.

I hope you can all see the life of a Christian isn't all flowers and hymns!

It's hard and it sucks sometimes.

Bit by bit everyone and everything is being stripped from me, family, friends home comforts, my dreams and aspirations.

I've been through another life changing battle, I always say to God "why couldn't you just tell me?" He usually says "you wouldn't listen if I did!" I guess I'm one of them that learn the hard way *roll my eyes*

After standing alone in the battlefield I realise I only have God. He is my all in all. Nothing in this world will satisfy me or my needs quite like he does!

I was all excited about wearing my sexy dress to a party next week, but I don't wanna go because Gods presence is not gonna be in there!

I don't want to live another day without him all over and around. When everyone else has gone about there business he's still there! When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm rich, when I'm poor he is always there to support and comfort me. Believe me when I say a great many people have turned their backs on me because I spit the truth like venom because I speak out against injustice, people who told me they would be there for me and I could call on them any time lol they're not here today! They happily walk past me like I'm a shadow, they're busy when I'm in their vicinity.

Mali music quotes in his song 'fight for you'... "and those you trust will start to turn too, so don't pay too much attention to the stuff they say they won't do"

This song literally attached to my spirit before my turmulous times started! I was forewarned Jesus would fight for me, I'm special I'm not to be changed, remade,conformed to any person or church, I'm for his use only!!! 

That's not something people like to see or hear so if that's you too, expect a constant raging war, it's not just me he's fighting for it's my bloodline, my children the future apostles, prophets, evangelists and worship leaders. My lineage is blessed and it I fall out of sync I'm taking the rest of the train off the track too, no parent wants to be responsible for their child/rens death spiritual or physical.

I have to keep fighting, Jesus visited me in a dream and showed me women I didn't know with sad stories and told me they needed me. Who me? What can I do? I can't even quit smoking! 

My dirty past, my broken family history every bad thing I've been through and come out of in one piece is going to help those women and their children.

I saw twice that day the race where a runner fell horribly and got up carried on running and won the race... Confirmation always comes twice right!? He was telling me get up, keep running you can still win!

I'm so gassed right now (youth talk...yes I'm still young so I try) like a new fire has been lit insider and I just want to run and touch everyone with it! Start a whole bunch of holy fires. Spread love like I'm on ecstasy, Jesus has this effect on me, people make me the opposite. My seasons are short and sweet I don't spend lifetimes with friends I never have done. It upsets people and when our season is over they slander me and rob me but yet still, I can still love that has got to be a heavenly gift right? 

When I can't go on, when I collapse exhausted in a heap Jesus picks me up and carries me... He said I'm worth it and he refuses to lose me. He doesn't lie so how can I not believe him?

poetic injustice

i feel as though i have been stripped naked

And my flesh has been ripped and torn My heart feels as though its bleeding, just bleeding 

My naked body is offensive to the sight of all 

My wounds must be letting off a terrible smell because noone dares to come near me 

My weaknesses are etched on my mind Unable to remove them i think on them daily 

Revisiting my sins mentally 

Leaving my mind battered and bruised 

So desperate for healing 

So soft and tender anything and everything can penetrate the surface 

Seeping into my most secret thoughts 

Blackening my mind

I'm drowning in darkeness inside and naked and exposed by light outside 

For what cause do i suffer? 

For the glory ofGod? 

Or for my numerous sins? 

The God that offers healing and redemption is slow to bring relief to my tormented soul 

How long shall goodness and joy evade me?

Will restoration ever come my way?

Are the promises of Yahweh even for me? 

I've been some places

And done some things

That would make the devil himself blush 

My days are numbered 

And my lifespan is short 

Way too short to spend it grieving 

And worrying 

While my heart is still bleeding 

Out of the heart springs the issues of life 

My heart is bleeding the life out of my body 

When my life is done and all poured out... What next?

Continued

Over the last few days it's not really for much better, I admitted that u still need God and always will but my heart is so cold and hard towards him. I don't understand it my own will and what I want to do doesn't burden me or make me feel guilty, I'm just not bothered!

It does concern me yes but not like before it's a weird sense of freedom the kind of freedom I don't know what to do with.

I can't even be bothered to try and I'm rapidly running out of chances and options to save myself. I am actually drowning in myself?

Doesn't make much sense but if you e ever been through it you'll know.

I can't be bothered to do the right thing anymore my 'conscience' doesn't prick me like it would have.

The sound of people talking church in my ear is so damn irritating I don't think it will be long before I lash out and physically hurt someone!

I care for nothing I probably feel like king Saul after God took his anointing Way to give to David, but the words of my songs don't touch my soul anymore just my eardrums... The outer part of me because inside is closed or dead whichever is more appropriate.

I have no desire to do anything and those people who depend on me will be sorely disappointed if they don't learn to stand on their own two feet real quick.

I'm totally drifting I don't even want to associate with anyone, conversation is boring.... Times like these when an iPhone is a burden. When you just want to be left alone!

Dunno what's gonna happen from here on out might update ya, might not lol

But for now I'm going to lie in bed tormented and wide awake like nearly every night!

Outburst over

So while still running, still trying to ignore God I won't lie, I don't wanna hear it and I don't wanna read it, but can I stop speaking it? Kmt

My gosh that 'word' has taken over my life, and how is it that now everyone needs some Godly advice and just gotta call me?

I had one drink! While cleaning my kitchen one night the next morning I woke up feeling like I'd put my head infront of a moving train, one drink? That's never happened to me before. 

I've had some crazy dreams where my garage got robbed but pretty much everything was still there.

I had a dream where me and Jesus were visiting YouTube pages of women with sad life stories.

The dream that stands out the most is the one where he told me I was 'free to go' 3 times he repeated it and 3 times I felt a detatchment in my stomach!

Then I heard in order to leave you need to renounce Jesus and what he's done for you... Well for me that bit isn't quite as easy! I can't ever say he didn't die for me and I can't ever say his name released me when I've been pinned down in bed at night, like really isn't there another way, because that would be a complete lie to deny him.

So I'm free to go but I gotta renounce Jesus, totally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My lauryn hill unplugged cd came a week earlier than expected and I kin of know why now. How inspiring! How promising! How motivating! She's been through it she's endured and she's come out a new person... Confirmation that there will be life on the other side if I continue.

I carried on with my days but not as usual. The days seemed harder to get through and colder and longer.

Thursday I went to choir practice, and we sung of course. The words we sang on the last song were like OMG I've been going about this all wrong, Gods words or revelation pissed me right off, but Jesus is still cool, he's my big brother that looks out for me he 'intercedes' for me so I can still talk to him.

When my family feud they pretty much always go through me.

Mali musics fight for you song was a forewarning to me Jesus said (in the song) no need to worry bout them let me downs... He knew he'd have to fight or me from day one... He's be my protector, my direction and protection... I could be anything to them, but to him I'm perfect... He refuses to lose me!

I still can't face the ultimatum Gods given me or the load he's expecting me to carry. I don't particularly want the destiny he's mapped out for me either, but I do need him.

This is the closest I've ever come to leaving, usually it's because of self condemnation, this time it was anger!

I probably failed my test miserably and I'm gonna have to retake it kmt 

It really sucks that so many people depend on me and that I have to live a certain way for their salvation rather than my own. This intercession business isn't any fun, I can see my life slowly slipping away my wants going on a back burner and I don't want that, I don't care if Gods plans better it involves too many sacrifices.

How can I be expected to do so much when I come from so little? It way out of my comfort zone, too far in the deep for me to even want to try.

I keep hearing one day at a time, but each day I know where I'm heading and hoping he'll change his mind and if I do bad he'll give my crown to someone else and I can just chill.

Another fall

Yeah so I umm... Slipped up again!!!

And with every fall comes consequences. It's not like I don't try because I really do, I'm just not good at being good. I struggle with killing the flesh and not succumbing to my desires because I have a lot of them it's a huge battle every day being nice! The bible says do not grow weary of doin good lol I laugh because that's exactly what happens it gets tiring and boring not bein able to tell people how you feel about them or even just not delivering that swift box when you feel they need one.

It's hard having to pray for everyone and everything. 

When you've had a lifetime of let downs it's not easy to trust in someone you can't see, someone you don't even realise is talking to you until later on. I can't just hand over my whole life into the hands of another person when everyone previously has let you down in some way or another. I have needs and to say to myself if not anyone else those needs aren't important is almost like lying to yourself!

I'm used to living a certain way and I'm supposed to give up everything I know for a greater unseen cause!? Yes I love helping people and comforting them, but I'm not sure I love doing it at any cost. If I'm completely honest I feel as though Gods asking to much of me, because with great anointing comes great suffering!

I don't know how much more suffering I can take before I go on a mad killing spree, like those crazy teenagers in America.

I don't actually want to suffer, no one does really.

The mad spiritual battles I have cannot be necessary, can they?

One after the other there's rarely a nice quiet time in my life where everything is running smoothly. I don't remember it being like that in my life before Christ, I could well be wrong. There's a part in the twighlight book series when Bella says she doesn't remember life before she was a vampire very clearly, it seemed blurred. I can relate to that but Omgosh it is calling me like never before. The wicked little me is bursting to get out and run riot to my satisfaction, but I've tried backsliding before it's not that glamorous  . It's actually really hard, like when Neo takes the pill in the film 'matrix' once your eyes are opened they cannot be closed, so I'm stuck! Stuck between what I know and love and what I need.

In my perception I've done some 'Christian' things and to my knowledge God hasn't come through for me, I've done some wrecky things with great results it doesn't make sense... Yes I know God doesn't and won't make sense my mind can't comprehend his greatness or understand his methods.

I am far from pleased with the behaviour of many so called Christians in fact it's just straight bullsh*t I wanna put my foot in peoples faces and God be like no read scripture and pray, really?!?! It sounds like a p*ssy approach to me.

Regardless of anyone else my number one problem is me!

I probably don't have enough faith, I probably don't pray enough but whatever , I can't help but want what I want and sometimes it's not always what's best for me.

When I first got save I wanted to speak in tongues soooo badly people where like just wait it will come in time... What they didn't know is I had been waiting since I was an infant I wanted it before I wanted Jesus.

Now people be telling me to wait on God for my husband mate! I been waiting longer than the 2 years you see I want some sanctified sex. The kind you don't have to repent for after.

I want to hurry up and get my house finished some people can live like that but yo that ain't me.

The changing processes are ridiculous I always grow that's part of being human if you don't grow and change you got issues.

Bottom line is I don't feel altogether too worthy of these promises I'm receiving and I don't get why so much struggling has to be done to achieve them. When you go hard for so long and realise your still going hard to no avail it's real disheartening and right at this moment doesn't even seem worth it.

Even blogging this I know I've got to hold on and hold out, but in all honesty I don't want to. 

I don't want to keep fighting against myself for once I want to be selfish and put me first!

If that makes me bad then I'm gonna own it at least I'm not lying or being a hypocrite.... T.B.C

Compassion

Most people already know about the big typhoon that hit the phillipines. Despite the fact the medias already started moving on to the 'new' news... So typical of people.

I have compassion on my Facebook page as I sponsor a child through them.

They've requested everyone spreads the word about what's happened, which is fine by me those people out there need help!

Now I sponsor a child same age as my daughter that he can have opportunities and a chance in life. The child I sponsor is from the Philippines!

I got a letter from him yesterday, but because of the worldwide postage timescale I'm pretty sure he sent it before devastation happened.

Now I don't know if my 'child' is alive, I dot know if he has that future God told me to ensure he would receive.

When I agreed to sponsor a child I had no preference on the form only that the child who had been waiting the longest would get my help, I wished I could help all the children really.

I believe the whole thing was orchastrated by God, now I have to pray not only for my 'child' but his whole country. God knows how much I love to pray... Awkward silence lol.

Praying from the warm safety of my own home just doesn't cut it, I've got to donate, I've got to tell the world these people need your help, if you're reading this you most likely have internet so don't act like your broke!

As I watched the news I couldn't help but cry as people were begging for just water! Something I have in abundance at the turn of a tap! There are women giving birth, bringing new life, into that unimaginable circumstance. Where I'm from preparing for your baby is even more fun than having the baby! Picking out clothes and cribs and prams. Spending hundreds of pounds on temporary use items. The babies that are being born in the phillipines are only wrapped in cloth, sharing the first moments of their lives surrounded by pain and loss, wailing and death.

If that's not heartbreaking, you have no heart!

People spend a countless amount of time talking about people and what they're doing, how much of that time can you spend helping people?

Matthew 25:41-45 then he will also say to those on the left hand, depart from me you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for i was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.

Then they will also answer Him saying Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or naked or sick or in prison and did not minister to You? Then He will answer them saying 'assuredly I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.'

The human race is so self absorbed, me included, that we forget others have more needs than we do, needs that even though we may not think we have much we have enough I make a difference to someone else's life and we shouldn't have to wait for a once a year event to make changes, some of us don't even have a year left to live!

Sowing seeds of blessings

So now I have an understanding about tithes and offerings, not just a "bible says so" understanding.

After reading it, hearing it and then getting confirmation from three completely different sources! I think I get it now.

I've always been a giving person, probably why people always try to take advantage of me, it's in my nature. You could say it's a gift of the spirit. Even though at times it feels like a curse.

A lot of people resent giving money to churches and homeless people, because they always think "what are they doing with my money?" To be honest that's not your concern! If you give because you want to or because you have been told by God to, there is no way your blessing can't come back round.... Unless!!! You prevent it.

I could 'sow a seed' (give £5 to a homeless person) and it could be my last £5 but God tells me to I can rest assured in the promises 'he will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory' and 'I have been young and now I am old and I have never seen the righteous forsaken or begging bread' as well as 'bring a tenth of your income into my storehouse... See if I don't open the windows of heaven and pour out blessings, so much you won't have room to receive them'

There are many more promises in the bible I can say, quote, speak that is equivalent to watering the seed you've sown.

The same as when you plant a seed you don't expect to get just one of what you've planted back. You can get ten times, sixty times or even a hundred times as much back, the bible tells you that also.

I know some stingy ass Christians! Don't want to give because they don't think they have enough or they think thy have just enough for themselves and if God wanted them to give he would give them an increase. Like, what the deuce? 

If we're honest if we got the increase before the giving we'd think of something else we could spend it on and where's the faith?

Those people can infect you and your thoughts. They are so sure of what they're saying and what they believe that they'll have you believing the same before you know it you're broke talking bout you don't know what happened! You know full well what went wrong!

The other night I sat watching the news for the first time in ages, I try to avoid it because I think the media are pretty much false, but that's my opinion, I saw the after effect I the storm that ripped apart the phillipines. As I sat and watched I couldn't help but cry, the people were only asking for 'food and water'! The land looks so desolate, the people look devastated. Lost lives, innocent children hurt, trapped or even dead. How could your heart not feel torn?

I have a home, food, a regular income, free education for my children, free healthcare etc. I feel so rich when I look at all I have but at times I feel ungrateful like it's not enough. It's more than a lot of people have and I don't even realise.

God said "I want you to give £15" I said "when, I ain't got no spare change right now. I got 3 direct debits coming out and I've left that exact amount in the bank for them" God weren't breaking it down for me again he said "£15" I sat an pondered as I picked up my phone to send payment ' the only thing I could go without paying was my phone bill it's a luxury but they don't half charge when you miss a payment' I did it and I felt instant relief and peace. Then I felt a little annoyed they wouldn't be taking the money ASAP but it's not about my timing.

So as soon as the next day, I had an unusual day. Cut a Long story short on my way home someone gave me £20 and I glimpsed some paint for my girls' bedroom when I went in to ask the price of this 2.5ltr of dulux silk paint the man told me £6! I could of fainted lol. So not only did I get my £15 back I got an extra £5 on top of it and this paint I'd been wanting to get for less than half price!!!!

All he wants is obedience and faith

Listen to him when he tells you to give. Have faith that he won't take from you without giving you back more.

In all honesty everything we have belongs to him anyway, he only asks us for10% back that's £1 out of every £10. We're happy to give manufacturers and fast food merchants a pound anytime to get back things that are most likely damaging to our health, yet we don't want to give the supplier of goodness and mercy a pound for much more in return. And we say we're righteous and set apart!? Without faith it is impossible to please him so if you're doing something, anything, do it in faith!

Sow - water - collect the harvest

Settle the matter

So I was jamming reading my bible chilling out as I do on a weekend. With me not having to rush up and down on the school run.

I got an email from my broadband and home phone provider saying I owed £64.46! I don't think so.

I would have called yesterday to pay my outstanding balance of £27.04 if I hadn't lost yet another bank card. I immediately called I dispute the amount. I got a miserable woman, Susan, who basically said it was my fault the bill was so high and if I paid it all they would refund me... Who's got 60 odd pounds to hand over? I wasn't going to overpay so I could get a refund on my bill next month, no thanks we're not playin that fraudulent game, I know my rights.

We had a minor bust up resulting in me saying well you can go ahead and cut my services off because I ain't paying.

I went outside for a cigarette, yes I've started smoking again, and I got an email  it was a verse of the day... 

NIV ISAIAH 1:18

18 "Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Awkward! Lol yeah I got told. I had to call back kmt, my card came a few hours later, conformation again. Called back later in the evening, paid the balance I owed and the charges were cleared. Amen! Another example of his goodness and you don't have to be perfect to receive it. He's a funny guy of all the things he could of said he chose "come now let's settle the matter" in other words he would help me, I don't have to do anything alone... Sweet meee

Shedding skin aka shedding old life

I was laying in bed this afternoon and I was whinging to God about my painful changes, when I suddenly thought is it supposed to hurt!? And snakes shed their old skin more than once does it hurt them? 

I popped a question on Facebook and then thought that wouldn't get a good enough answer quick enough, so I googled it, this is what I got...

No it's not painful for a snake. When reptiles grow they grow out of their skin so they shed it and there is new skin underneath. Reptiles will shed their skin several times as they grow, more often when they are younger since they are growing faster. However as mentioned by some it is difficult for them to shed although its not painful it is very tiring and I have heard it is also stressful for them because they are fairly vulnerable while shedding.

As a snake grows, its skin becomes stretched and worn. A point is reached when it cannot accommodate further growth, so a new skin grows underneath. When this is complete, the old skin will be discarded, along with any parasites it may have picked up. The new skin retains the same patterns and colors as the old.

They shed their skin 7 times: 7 is a holy number, that's a good sign I was thinking the right thing.

They shed skin more in their youth: so translated, as a young Christian I'm to expect a lot more transition periods.

The part I can relate to the most is this, it is difficult for them to shed, although its not painful, it is very tiring and is also stressful for them because they are fairly vulnerable while shedding: I realised I'm not hurting because of the changes I'm going through, I'm stressed because I feel vulnerable. The changes are outside my comfort zone. It's tiring having to constantly strive to breakthrough and big unforeseen changes are never easy.

The bit that's encouraging is: As a snake grows, its skin becomes stretched and worn. A point is reached when it cannot accommodate further growth... When this is complete, the old skin will be discarded, along with any parasites it may have picked up. Lool parasites! I'm sure we've all picked up a few of those in out lifetime. This is proof for me that my struggles are worth it. This backs up the bibles explanation that all things are just for a season. My season of wealthy squandering is definitely over, it's time to watch the pennies, give and spend wisely. It means I am growing, in Christ, I'm not going to be the same next year as I am this year. The same as I'm not the same now that I was last year.

We live in a world that us constantly changing. We as people are constantly changing.

I used to love change, until when?

I recently realised that I no longer change my rooms around weekly I don't think as much about redecorating as soon as I've finished decorating I'm just not bothered nowadays.

Is it a good thing? 

Part of me feels like I'm happy because I have God, and that's why I no longer need to constantly rearrange my life if that is the case then great I'm learning to be content no matter the circumstances just like the apostle Paul.

God will perfect all things concerning me.

I mean I still want a nicely decorated house and cute clothes etc. but if I don't have it I don't really mind.

It's difficult but If you trust God it's not hard or painful!!!

I'll still be me, still look the same just adjusted to my new size.

It's also confirmation for me, that my change of church isn't a figment of my imagination.

I'm just growing!

The next step

I've decided to take the next step, to be obedient to God at last and to leave my current church!

No it's not because they don't want to let children take holy communion lol.

It's been on my mind for so long now it's taking over. It couldn't physically come at a worse time I've been appointed to work with the youth and offered a few roles, I now know that these roles didn't manifest before because it would have been harder for me to leave.

Recently all signs have been pointing in this direction... The most blatant one was a preaching around two weeks ago when the preacher said "when a person comes into a church and they don't share the same vision as the church there's is usually conflict" and there has been an awful lot of conflict, more so internal but conflict nevertheless. I don't think I know the churches vision to be honest, but I know my vision doesn't match up, my needs and desires are not being met and haven't been for a while.

Instead of staying, becoming bitter and missing out on my calling I'm getting up and getting out! 

I know Gods voice and I know he's been telling me to do this and I've been listening to everyone but him... Luckily for me he's patient although I'm sure I've caused myself harm in moving so slow.

I was going to ask my pastor to release me, but I don't believe it's necessary God knows what he desires of me and he's made it known to me, no other party need be involved plus he may try to dissuade me, that would cause uneasiness... Know, I don't need any more of that in my life right now.

I did tell you I'm always on the move, I know where I'm going next isn't my final stop either. 

These churches are like stepping stones on my journey. Just like you can't step on any stone, you can't just go to any church!

I'm excited about my move I know all my needs are going to be met. No more going to the table to eat child size portions then come home and snack. Just hearty, regular meals, with a bit of snacking (metaphorically, but i do like my snacks, biscuits especially)!

Where am i going? I have an idea but for now I'm just going to pray and fast for guidance. I don't need to be making mistakes at this stage when they can be so easily avoided.

I'll still do my choir etc. they're community things I'm involved in and I'm not hating on the church I'm leaving.

I always remember when i first started attending and a lady came to the front to pray with me and said "not to leave because someone upsets me or I don't like something in church, but leave to move on to bigger and better. She's moved on now too, I believe she's doing well, and I sincerely hope she is.

As I made my final decision in the shower a few days ago, I thought wahey, I might meet my future companion in the new church :).... I wouldn't mind anyway lol

I will miss my friends and a good few members but they are all still my brothers and sisters in Christ and I'm sure we'll be praying for each other in the future for now is not the end!

It's the beginning... For me at least!

Dem church people again

So I'm in church during worship kezia's dancing merrily and one of the elder chicks taps me and says I can't let her play at the front because she'll put the preacher off... Excuse me?

Background info: last week I wouldn't let Kezia play on my phone so she got upset and walked off, to the front of the church followed by my nephew. They got a bit giddy an caused a disturbance. They are aged 3 and 4. I can't say I blame them because for children of that age church must be extremely boring, they just don't get it and children's church is inconsistent which means they are expected to sit still for around 2 hours!

So she was judging me this week for last week, like I'm some kind of fool, kmt.

My response was "she's dancing!" Conversation ended there and it's a good thing too because chairs would have gone flying, the children of the people that have an active role in church are allowed to get up and dance and prance to the music without question, so what because I won't take a visible role my children don't get the same benefits? Don't p*ss me off I ain't hearing none of that.

Then, because it didn't end there... We were taking holy communion/ The Lords supper and the same woman told my homegirl she couldn't give her son 'wine' because he wasn't a Christian kmt that was it!

My face fully contorted and twisted up with disgust and a hint of rage and turned all the way around to look at her and everyone else who agreed with her that the child should not take part, then I looked at my friend thought to myself 'don't kick off now isn't the time, you can blog about it later lol' then I turned back and saw my friends son crying with embarrassment because he had been 'rejected' I gave him my wine because as far as I'm concerned noone should feel rejected especially in the house of The Lord. What made it worse was that they were quick to offer it to a woman who to my knowledge isn't even a member of the church and even said she didn't want to take part kmt.

Can you tell I'm really, really annoyed right now?

My good friend and sister in Christ has been in that church since the day she was saved, baptised and became a member she has a few active roles within the church, she is nearly always on hand to help and with a kind word, teaches her children diligently (yes I know big words) about God and in teaching her children, who may I add are actually more pure than any of us adults and have less sins to be forgiven. While doing her duty was shot down and made to feel like she was wrong for encouraging her children to follow Gods word!

That right there is why I said I ain't trying to be no church woman. 

The pastor preached on having revelation from God but not having understanding to comprehend the enormity of the revelation and that same lady sat and amened, agreed, recited scripture alongside the pastor then gave an exact example of his preaching.

Through lack of understanding she made a huge error!

My generation is a new generation to church, I accept the older generation don't fully understand us but they better recognise we gone save more souls than they could ever have us down for. We look, act and dress like the people of today, we can relate to the people of the world and show them an example (up to date) of what God has done for us and can do for them. We are living proof that Jesus reigns supreme.

The bible says 'woe to whoever causes one of these little ones ( meaning Christians, mainly in my opinion young ones, because older ones are more solid in their faith) who believe in Me to stumble...' I won't finish the scripture it's pretty  and I wouldn't want to scare anyone from helping me sin when I want to lol.

 But that could even mean discouragement so I strongly suggest we all think before we speak whether we believe in God or not. Judgement day is inevitable and we will all have to give account for our actions.

Notice!

Ive had some incredible feedback on my blog from my readers and I would just like to say a massive thank you for your support and encouragement.

At times I get a bit deep and worry it's too offensive/real, but you guys seem to love it so I'll amp it up lol.

I don't mind if you recommend a friend or foe to read my blog because my main aim is to bless people with the knowledge they aren't alone in their struggles and also to give those who know me a better understanding if who imam and why without having to repeat myself over and over like a scratched record.

My business is out there now, I am not ashamed of who I am and your not allowed to judge me because God said so nuuuuhhh! Lol 

But really thank you all so much 

Lots of love meeee

Why do people assume unemployed means bored?

I am a full time mother, a housewife without a husband I have a to do list almost as long as my arm, so why do people assume I have nothing to do?

I have plenty to do before I come out of my home in the morning and a load more things that need to be done when I get home before the children get back from school, then all the clothes changes homework, snacks and general catch up conversation, for some reason my children need to know my ins and outs for the day, which is fine because I ask them about theirs.

Then there's bath times, story times bed time prayers and more tidy up time.

As I said before in the day there is choir practice, food shopping, visiting family and friends, yes it is important those are the people that don't have many visitors.

Just looking after the children PROPERLY takes up nearly all of my time on its own.

I'm not willing to sacrifice their care or take any more of my attention from them than necessary, when they're older and I'm preaching the word to all nations if they're aren't doing well people are going to question if I practice what I preach.

I believe God will see me through and I believe where he's taking me I need to be well disciplined (as in self disciplined, don't start gassing lol).

Saturday is and pretty much always has been my day of rest and believe me I'm grateful for it!!!

There's always speculation and arguments over when the day of rest is, I can't speak for anyone else, but saturday is mine. I go to church on Sunday and I have to prepare for Monday so there is no rest for me on a Sunday lets not even go there.

It's really offensive to be told you are required to do things because you don't work... I do work I just don't get a proper salary!

Hopefully when I get married he'll earn enough salary for the both of us lol I'm not even going to pretend I'm joking,God  knows!

Honestly though I put slot into my home to make it comfortable for me and my children as well as guests and visitors.

I have a book called power of a praying wife by stormie omartian, in it, it says something sling the lines of the husband us the head if the home, but the wife is the heart. Call me old fashioned but I agree women know the difference between cream and magnolia, greige and beige etc. we have an eye for details. Some men have it too but never mind them for now.

We can pull it together make a house a home out if anything. That's what I do and I do it well if that's not ambitious enough, oh well. It's what makes me happy and my happiness determines how I live my life and treat others.

We are so caught up in social gain we miss the important things. How many women my age can knit or sew up the holes in socks etc?

How many if us have made our own curtain that are hanging proudly in our living rooms? Or do we run out to ikea and get the same curtains as everyone else? Do we throw away countless socks because there's a small hole in them?

Since when have these small but important thins become a shame? When since where they not considered an achievement?

If all I want to do is create a happy home does that make me a failure? If I'm happy to sacrifice my selfish dreams and ambitions so my children can achieve above and beyond does that make me stupid?

My grandma never learned to drive and to my knowledge worked in a factory until retirement, and I respect her for that! The majority I her children and grandchildren have been to university or had a good stable jobs for over 20 years, she might not have been a 'high flyer' but she did a real good job with her children, my aunt and uncles, who still keep in regular contact and are there for each other in a heart beat should anything I wrong or even right!

I watched her cook and clean and cater to my grandad and her family for years. I'm not saying she didn't complain (which is real funny to hear if you've got a spare few hours lol) but she was always on point and still is.

She and my grandad now have a beautiful home in Jamaica where they an relax after all their hard work and accomplishments it's not a life lived in vain.

I don't understand why no one thinks this life is acceptable even when it's written in the bible. People are too busy looking at material success to see spiritual success is the only way forward regardless of salary or qualifications.

I may look as though I have a lot to those looking in on my life but I actually have very little, I used to have too much for the wisdom I had! Even now as I go through my house I'm still throwing out and giving away which means to me the little I have is still too much lol, cryptic aren't I?

Basically I'm making room for the enormous blessing in expecting to receive. god says if you can be trusted with little you can be truste with much, I want to be so humble that my little seems like pittance in the eyes of others, then they will see the glory of God when my tiny seed grows into a massive tree. Like the mustard seed, which is smaller than nearly all other herb seeds but grows into one of the biggest trees there is. Google it, it's amazing!!!

Think about it...

Got me a new weave!

So I got me a new weave yesterday, I'm sorry to say but I finally feel like a woman again!!! I appreciate my natural beauty and all that but no form of enhancement was HORRIBLE!!!

3 weeks, infact it was more like 6 but who's counting lol, of no make up, no perfume, no jewellery or fancy hair dos even long soaks in the bath were out. I didn't realise for ages it was part of my fast.

It may sound shallow but for qualified nail and beauty technician it's a necessity.

However It really taught me something now I can't complain about that can I? Evey lesson learnt is a blessing.

Came to an end in time though, ready for my little holiday next week with my children.

Lots of selfies coming up!

But seriously now that I am again 'allowed' to use enhancements I don't see the need for so many, I no longer want my invisible eyebrows tattooed on for all to see from half a mile down the road, I don't need braclets, chains and big hoop earrings (I do love big hoop earrings I really do). I am fine just the way I am! At the time all I kept thinking was Omgosh people probably think I look bruk down and depressed or something. No one actually said that to me, but it didn't stop me thinking it. I even dressed 'down' which I now look at as humble.

My friend laughed and said I looked like a Romany gypsy loool I did see the funny side I was fighting illness at the time so I was layered up with cardigans. I don't have a warm coat.

Even now I'm a huge fan of leggings and skinny jeans but the way I dress them is different, the amount of me that's revealed is always conscious in my mind not because half the church complained about how I was dressing but because I am now aware of myself, the impact I have on men, how God feels about me and what kind of people I attract. It wasn't an over night thing it's been an on going process that started a while ago, the fast just enhanced and confirmed my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

See I'm stubborn I won't just accept what people say because they say it! I want proof, confirmation and reassurance. People think being stubborn is a curse but there's been many times when being stubborn has seen me through or even saved me from certain situations.

So anyway update on meee!

I've got long straight, layered weave on the right side of my head and it's plaited on the left (not a majorly fancy or special style, but better than the doo doo plaits an head scarf I've been rocking for the past few weeks), I've put my nose stud back in ( in sure there'll be a few complaints but I ain't hearing it), I've minxed my toe nails (hallelujah, crusty toes are not a good look) and I'm wearing small/medium sized hoop earrings!

Does that sound like a lot?

I'll tell you what I haven't done that I thought I needed to do... I haven't shaped/threaded and tinted my eyebrows, I'm not wearing more than one set of earrings (I have 2 sets of holes)  I'm not wearing my noisy braclets, I don't have on a full face of make up, I didn't stick on false eyelashes and I didn't get fancy nail extensions!

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with all that I love it all, I do. I'm saying I don't need it. I am wonderfully and fearfully made, in Gods likeness and image, the apple of his eye he chose me not based on my looks but my heart.

I wasn't born with any of that stuff and I'm sure people still crooned over how beautiful I was ( I hope they did or we'll be having words). It was just me in my nakedness.

Only a matter of days ago my auntie said you look so pretty natural, fresh faced and pure. I thought 'ermmm where you looking?' But that was infact one of the best compliments I could have received in my lifetime!

Like any woman I like to look good, but if I don't feel good because I don't look good something is wrong. The whole world bases our competence and acceptance on our looks and presentation. I don't intend to grow my children with that illusion, I intend to teach them how beautiful they are all day long regardless of what they're wearing or how their hair is done. If you can't look inside a person you may never know that person until it's too late!

You know that little saying the best price of make up a woman can wear is a smile!? Try it, in my opinion it works not just for you but for others!

I'm off to continue flicking my 14" weave to accompany my smile! 

Have a blessed day xx

Why me?

Why do I always seem to get left behind, when everyone's prospering and flourishing? Advancing to the next level in Christ and here I am exactly where I was last month or even last year!

Am I doing something wrong? Did I miss something?

Every month it's the same story for a few days to a week it is the worst time of my life... It affects everything!

I want to cry because in my eyes I look huge even though the tape measure only says there's a 1 cm difference!

My house goes completely child run as I'm crippled in my bed or on the sofa feeling sorry for myself.

The tiniest little things set me off I feel like the whole world is out to get me, I used to think it was the after effect of smoking so much weed in my youth now I don't know.

Last night I hit a real low. It all started with why did I get married too, believe it or not. It was so nice to watch 'fairy tale' marriages then it dawned on me that I was forever waiting for my own marriage!

I've been single since 2006ish after my crazy psycho ex I decided I wouldn't have another relationship again. It was actually a good decision because everything that came close was a natural disaster.

Yes I've had two children since then and I still wouldn't like to think I was in a 'relationship' with their dad it is other people that label it that.

He's been in prison almost a year now and in that year I've become even further from anything considered a relationship.

Which you could say is Gods great plan yay, cleansing and purging.... If I'm honest it sucks!

No one to offload on, no one to pick up where I leave off, no in house support, no one to play with my hair while I'm watching tv (something comforting my mum used to do). No it just me 3 messy children and my thoughts.. My thoughts are a dangerous place, they usually bombard me when I'm washing the dishes so I try to avoid them washing up like the plague, lol not a good look!

So at the end of the film the woman's husband died and everyone made up and lived 'happily ever after'

There it goes all the tears I've been storing up, all the tension packed into my little heart, beating stress and unhappiness round my body, pretty much poisoning my existence and tainting the way I see everything.

I know marriage isn't all flowers and chocolates, smiles and hand holding. I'm not stupid I have had relationships in the past. I know it's a ministry in itself, but just because it's not all fun an games doesn't mean I shouldn't want it, children aren't all cuddles and kisses but people desire and have them all the time, even the response to wanting to multiply is pretty dim.

I've been told God bottles up all tears and responds to them with blessings, I hope he got enough of them last night. The crying didn't last long (I'm easily distracted, so I started looking for a new film to watch) if I want to pray for a husband and some sanctified sex who can tell me I shouldn't? 

He will give you your hearts desire he said. Who sees moments like last night when I start to drown in my loneliness? Who's there for me when I feel to tired to get out of bed and make breakfast? 

Who takes my children out so I can just be still?

I'm actually thinking who as I write this and I can come up with no one! I'm not saying I don't have help I'm saying I don't  have anyone to share my load with, I understand I'll take his load on too, I don't have a problem with that, if I know God even a little bit, I know my weakness will be my husbands strength and vice versa.

I've heard be satisfied with The Lord... Kmt if that was the case you think he might fulfil my desires or even change them and stop me pining over what won't be.

I even hear God sends you someone to hug you when you need a hug, maybe my standards of need are way different and I'm not made in his likeness an image, because I don't get no 2am knocks on the door just for hugs!

Yes God has to separate you from all your old soul ties, I'm up for that!

I'm sure I received that blessing a few weeks ago...

The cooking skills have amped up, the weights kinda stalled but it's still shifting.

Those things don't make you a better spouse but I'm sure they help lol.

I actually know what I should be doing he's told me, but my patience is so immature that it effects my faith.

That right there is pretty painful for me knowing that I'm in the way of my own blessings, I'll be real my question is I what do I do in the mean time?

In the mean time I'm bored and lonely, I'm striving towards something I don't see and I'm not even 100% sure I'm going to receive, I refuse to compromise in this area my previous choices haven't brought good results and I like to think I learn from my mistakes.

I've been told by someone (I'm sure it was in love) go and find a man and bring him to church lol, it doesn't really work like that for a lot of people and as I said my choices are not always the best.

Marriage is something I take seriously it's a lifetime commitment it's a once in a lifetime thing, unless your first spouse dies. I don't accept divorce as an option, not in my life!

Maybe my emotions are just being amplified by my monthly cycle (bit personal but to be expected with me).

I did feel dramatic crying about being single it's not like I'm the only one, but no single people ever talk to me on a level and tell me what to expect and how to overcome. Until I figure it out for myself I'm stuck in this place of 'self pity' because I don't really understand how God works.

People that don't even know Jesus seem to be in happy relationships is this cleansing really necessary? Does it have to take so long?

How much longer will my children be fatherless?

I mean if this guy wants a child I'm not getting any younger! I've accepted that I may have a child over the age of 30 which I was dead set against for the longest, but let's not push it!

Why does it seem as though I'm the only one struggling with this?

Why does no one have an answer for me?

Every time in mention it to someone I get focus on God, wait on The Lord kmt... Let's try telling me something I want to hear lol

Peace out x

Church hurt!

Anyone ever been hurt by someone or people in a church? Physically, emotionally, spiritually?

Is it possible? Yes! 

Church people are still people! And people can be mean and selfish and spiteful.

A lot of people like myself go into a church and expect 'perfection' a whole load of people who have got their life together and can help you sort out yours too. Sadly that's not the case.

I know many people that won't go near a church because they've been upset by someone in a church and u understand I sympathise, but I ask will you let one person be the reason you don't get to jam with God for eternity? After being in his presence ad receiving his blessings you feel fine to turn your back on him because of a person that probably doesn't realise how muh they hurt you?

I know hurt I dealt with it as soon as I got in the church doors infact it had me walking back out with my deuces up.

It was my personal relationship with God why I'm back again! All the 'advice' and 'coercing' in the world wouldn't have got me back into church with those hypocrites! But God could his words his promises his specially appointed people to bring me scriptures and encouragement, if he didn't live me as much as he does, if he didn't keep his hand on my life as heavily as he does I would not be here blogging today, I'd be high as a kite cleaning the same spot on my laminate flooring that is been cleaning for the last hour or so, like I used to do.

Pop some speed clean all day, isolate myself from everyone, because people bring mess, then roll my big fat spliff for my bedtime come down!

I would probably be worse I'd have 'those guys' (the ones you wouldn't bring he to meet the family) buzzing round on rotation with my in after bedtime, out before sunrise rule!

Harbouring hatred in my hert for every person that had the cheek to mention the name Jesus in my presence.

It took me over a year to overcome my feelings towards 'church people' it's only recently I can smile at offense and be like "oh well you're gonna have to answer to my daddy for that one but have a nice life "

 I wanted to go back to church, he wanted me back in church but very time I went it was like ripping open an old wound!

All the sermons seemed to be about forgiveness I wasn't trying I hear that.

Why was I so wounded? I'll tell you...

My first ever time in church I saw a good few people I knew from a few years back friends and foes. There was one lady I knew and used to have light conversation with, when I got to church rather than welcoming me with open arms and gladness, she more or less stated right through me, she spoke to the person I wa with and didn't even give me any form of acknowledgement! I thought that was weird but maybe she didn't remember me so never mind.

She remembered me on my baptism and commitment, she even had encouraging words for me, I assumed it was all in my head and we were cool!

But then I asked to get my daughter dedicated (christened)!!!

You would think I was asking her to perform a human sacrifice.

She was always unavailable and busy there was never a chance to talk to her, that's normal for Sunday after church it is really busy I tried not to get too upset about that. Then I was given her number and tried to sort it out over the phone, that was a myth if she answered she was busy and wanted me to call back, after a few weeks she changed her number and failed to contact me even though she had mine. The one time she called me back it was in private number.

She give me a list of all the information I needed and said to hand it to her in church the following week, guess what!? She wasn't in church the following week, the week after was the date for the dedication. I had family travelling over 200 miles for this occasion I had no arrangements, nothing was concrete, catering numbers names nothing!

I still had faith it would be alright because God himself told me it would be fine.

Two days before the date when nothing had been confirmed I found out there was another dedication on the same day and my daughters fathers current woman was going to be attending!!! Are you high? I wasn't having that!

I left work texted everyone saying "it was cancelled" of course everyone wanted to know why, being so immature in Christ I felt compelled to answer their questions an the more I talked about it the more infuriated I became. I wanted to smash her face in! How dare she dodge my calls and not help to plan my daughters 'christening' but yet she had time to do the same with someone else, worst of all someone I didn't even like!!!!!!!

I told my pastors and my mentor all the people I thought would be able to help me and I got... Church hurt!

I was dismissed and told I was imagining it because she wouldn't do that... pssht!

I was told it wasn't her it was the devil... Pssht!

Apparently she was still going to find a way to get the information needed after work on Friday ready and sorted by Sunday morning! I'm sorry I still don't believe that to this day.

I had to see her every Sunday, I constantly had the reminder that everyone was telling me I had made it up in my own mind, which to me said she's been here longer than you pipe down!

No I wasn't going out quietly yes I made a scene told everyone that would listen what she did.

And would you believe even the people that agreed and sympathised with me still didn't back me! I was in my own with this one no 'friends', no parental support, no mentor support, no pastoral support just me, a 3 month old Christian and this massive injustice!

Well if no one was goin to take my feelings into account I wasn't going back there, the place was full of lying hypocrites the kind that put the rest of the world off of Christianity, the ones that blame the devil for every bad thing like there's no free will. I did not intend to become like that.

Time passed, not a lot of time but more than enough for a babe in Christ. I went to other churches because I made the decision that noone was going to stop me doing what I had to do, God called me so even if that church didn't want me God still did, my journey couldn't end so soon I dismissed thought that I'd been in, brought a few friends through the door, they were who God wanted his use for me had expired, I was used and useless!

People were telling me 'come back to church' pssht are they crazy? Where were they when u needed them? Who stood up for me when my voice wasn't being heard? Who dealt with the burning anger tearing up my insides every time I turned my he'd and saw 'her' sat worshipping like she hadn't done anything?

No I wasn't having it!

I found a new church and this place was awesome, close to home, made provisions for my children, welcomed me through the doors etc it was the one. I'd never been to a church like it in my life.

As time went on I stopped going to that church too, I tried another one but it was boring, I just lost my zeal I was slipping right back to where I'd began, living reckless!

To my surprise God hadn't finished with me yet he was still talking to me still teaching me and guiding me.

It did take me a while before I was back at my 'home' church there was a lot of strengthening happening within my own four walls I've got to thank God for the God channels and good people that take time out to listen and pray.

I went back but the anger was still there the resentment had to have been all over my face because I couldn't control it.

She still hadn't apologised, she didn't even acknowledge she'd done anything wrong it was like war of the wills, believe me there was a silent battle going on.

That Joyce Meyer boy what can I say? Her forgiveness messages are spot on, straight to the heart and sincere, they began to take root, my teaching at ellel ministries watered and strengthened those roots, they taught me forgiveness is a decision first not am action, it became a good fruit in my life.

I believe because of my determination and Gods help the change came my pastors apologised for their lack of support in the matter.

Gods intervention was evident she wasn't even in church for around 4-5 weeks after I decided to go back! That's rare, so you know that's grace right here.

I began to wonder where she was in her absence and if she was actually alright herself. By the time she came back I was re-rooted in church and she didn't bother me.

I was God mother to my God daughter at the same church arranged by the same woman, I even noticed the twinges disappear while attending other christenings at the church.

She still hasn't apologised but forgiveness doesn't depend on apologies it's your decision and what's in you that makes the difference and it takes a lot to get over a hurt like that.

 My children are my world, rejection of children sparks a monster in most mothers I don't know how anyone else would have reacted but I'm sure it would have been oh well never mind loool.

It was a few months ago when her mother approaches me and said 'young lady you never say hi when I speak to you' obviously I had a cocky little answer for her (and yes the spirit did prick me for it, ad told me to hush my mouth) then she said when she says hi she says it in love. That left a lingering thought in my mind "have I fully forgiven?" 

Now was the time to give it all up I now say hi to everyone even if they blank me I get a lot if 'church people' act like they don't see me but that's their business... My concern is my salvation and no one is worth it! Judgement day we will all have to answer for our wrongs and the excuses " but he said..." Or "because she did..." Just won't cut it!

I suffered a knock that a lot of people wouldn't be able to get up from, let alone a 3 month old single Christian mom on her own... So my question is if I can do it, why won't you? 

Notice I said won't and not can't! Because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

A good few people have now been through church hurt recently and only now are they getting a feel of what I went through in 2012, the flesh part of me is like "yeah now you know how it feels you should probably apologise for accusing me of exaggerating" but the Christlike side I me says " I understand your pain I will pray for your healing and deliverance"

In all honesty I still don't know if it was deliberate or not. I only have my side of events, she may well have a good reason for all that happened. One day I might find out or I might not, either way I have forgiveness in my heart and not just for her but as a foundation for everyone who I feel has hurt or offended me the rest of my days, foundations are to be built on so I expect many more upsets. I'll be sure to blog about them!

Noones perfect we all fall short of the glory so who can judge? Including me, it's not my place.

It was a horrible experience, but if it helps just one person it was worth it!

My calling...

Over the last few months The Lord has revealed to me why he called me, I pretended I couldn't hear him because I wanted something I considered easier.

Live as day he said you're an intercessor! Me? How can I be an intercessor when out of everybody I struggle to pray the most? I'm too easily influenced by my emotions to be a dedicated prayer warrior! 

But again he repeated it to me I want you  pray for him or her, again I said how? I can't even pray for myself!

So he let me feel his compassion for every person that was hurting, lost, depressed, despaired or scared. It's not nice to feel any of those ways at some stage of my life I've felt all the above.

Then I realised I'd had a breakthrough in my prayer life at some point and I couldn't stop I was constantly praying for  someone. Then I started noticing the results, but hold up wait a minute!!! Where were my results? How come when I prayed for myself or my circumstances it never came to pass? Don't tell me to wait on The Lord because the people I was praying for were getting whatever it was I'd prayed for them in a hot minute.

That really p*ssed me off so I started to research the role of an intercessor.

I had some people tell me I needed to look inside myself and start examining my motives, kmt hush I didn't wanna hear that!

Then I had someone explain the role of an intercessor to my satisfaction then go on to imply my life wasn't clean enough to be an intercessor, mate I ain't seen you in months how have you any idea how clean my life is or isn't? Plus you were the same person that doubted my gift of discernment... Won't be calling you again!

None of my answers really satisfied my craving for the answer not that they were completely invalid. I asked almost everyone but God lol because that clearly makes sense, not.

I finally got an answer that took away the craving satisfying my soul completely I'm not really supposed to pray for my merry little self, I'm supposed to 'seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all else will be added unto me' ok finally perfect sense... Pray for everyone else's needs and God will sort me out for being selfless.

Does it sound easy? Yes it does but it isn't, because now I find I'm the first point of call for a lot of people the good Lord brings them to me  either directly or via phone, Facebook, whatsapp, bus stop you name it... I'm agony aunt to half my city and some. When I speak to my friends and family I ask the spirit for guidance with what to say or I just open my mouth and hope he'll fill it with his words lol.

After conversations with people I'm like kmt now I gotta go pray for you, thanks! They laugh like I'm joking 😄 I'm being serious I've got to always be in prayer, and I've always got housework to do! As soon as the house is tidy I get a load of prayer assignments that keep me busy for a few days, mixed with a bit of procrastinating there's another load of housework to keep me busy til my next prayer assignment!

It's nice to see people coming through, getting breakthroughs and giving their lives and hearts to The Lord it really I rewarding!

He even prompts me to pray for church services and I see a big difference in the service literally before prayer and after, it could be something as simple as the union if those singing on the worship team to the Holy Spirit taking over the service completely, it is awesome to see the power of prayer.

The downside is while I'm fighting battle on the frontline the devils causing ruckus in my home... My children will be playin up at school or constantly arguing with each other the more I try to take authority the less in charge I seem. Now I need to add to my to do list, start speaking the word of God over my home... I'll be honest I'm starting to feel overwhelmed!

Scripture says God is a God of peace and order, if I keep reminding myself that I'll have more faith in what I'm saying, but the truth is I'm saying it alone, I'm doing it all alone.

I often say I need a husband to share duties and then I think 'oh no that sounds bad' because I'm basically saying God won't give me the strength to do it on my own, which he will, but... The scripture that come to mind are 'one will put 1,000 to flight but two will put 10,000 to flight!' And 'where two or more agree on earth it's shall be done in heaven and on earth...' Who will I agree with?

I'm getting a bit tired if taking my business out of my home to ask for impractical help!

Yes I know I have a blog but if I'm honest you guys get the victory story, after I've passed through the storm you get how I 'felt' not really how I 'feel'. (Sorry)

I know God has plenty more jobs for me I'm kind of worried that I won't be able to juggle it well enough.

I didn't get to go to college this year because of all I'm having to balance, I couldn't do the ministry course at church for the same reason, I miss out on a lot of things because I'm maintaining my home and family and that's fine because my children are my main ministry. If I was out preaching the gospel and my children were hooligans who would listen to me?

I wouldn't  listen to me I'd think hypocrite! That's the worlds favourite name for falling/ fallen Christians not realising they themselves are infact judging others.

So let's look at my current affairs:

*children

*church

*choir practice

*chores

*decorating

*school run

*reading the bible

*intercession

*childrens extra curricular activities

*fellowship

*meditating

*bible studies

*leisure time

Looking at it written down there is a lot of "churchy" things in my life but I'd say they were all necessary, what could I cut out? And before you say leisure time that's things like painting my toenails which isn't a luxury when you're a qualified nail technician it's a necessity, and I don't even get to do that very often either.

Luckily the decorating will be over by the Christmas period.

In my opinion there's is nothing that can be cut and I certainly don't see room to add anything! It's times like these I really wish I still had a car travelling time takes up so much time and if you're travelling with the children you can't read that little snippet if the bible with all that talking they do, 3 sets of yapping in my ears daily!

Where God can you squeeze anything else ino my life? I don't even see space for that companion I've been whinging for.

I do know I've got to pray for a breakthrough because this isn't right, I can't go on stretch beyond measures by what should be the simplest things in life

I needn't worry of fear just follow my instructions and it will all work out.

I have been called to pray on behalf of many people, why? I'm not sure, but I know the King of Kings knows why and will tell me in due time.

Obviously I will blog about this again so you know how I'm getting on

Invisible sin!

I had an abortion once before, not many people know about it and no one ever talks about it, but I always think about it!

Especially now when I see my two girls so close in age and my son riding solo, when you know he too should have a partner to play and argue with.

When people see me with my children or saw me pregnant I'm pretty sure they always have/had something to say regarding my choice of daddys, but what about the lost one? That sin is equal, that scandal is just as bad as me having children for a 'man hoe' I took an innocent life because I was thinking of my own. 

Granted I was very young and fresh out of school, but it was a life nonetheless, a gift God gave me that I literally threw away.

The whole process there was always a voice saying don't do it, it's wrong, you will be able to cope. I found out 12 years later that voice was God.

No one comments on the lost life of that child, just the three they see, no one sees the empty space in my family when we're taking a trip to the shops. No one judges me on that out of wedlock pregnancy, because they don't see evidence of it! If I had no heart, if The Lord didn't convict my soul, I'd think 'phew I got away with that one' or even 'ok to hide my sins is like they never happened' if I based my wrongs and rights off of people's reactions and agreements or disagreements I would do more wrong than right! Imagine, does that even make sense?

I got pregnant outside of marriage, then killed the baby to hide my sin! I'm free of all judging stares and comments...

I got pregnant outside of marriage, accepted my wrong doing and vowed to do my best for my children I get disapproving speeches and baby father drama!

Someone show me the justice in this world!

Truth is I am forgiven, cleansed and washed of that act although it doesn't stop moments like now when I regret what I did and can't help but think of the negative affects it may have had on my current circumstances. We have no idea what impact our selfish decisions have on our lives in the future or even the lives of those around us.

If I could go back and rectify it would I?

What will I say on judgement day when I have to give an account for my actions?

It's not the sort of thing you bring up in general conversation, and when it does arise, there's always an uncomfortable vibe followed by an uncomfortable silence loool, nobody knows what to say. They can't tell you it's alright because it's not, you already know you're forgiven what more is there to be said? 

I even knew the due date, every year just before my birthday I have a little mental reminder that I should be celebrating my sons birthday too, how do I know it was a boy?

It was 7 years before I would conceive again, I thought it was punishment for ending the last pregnancy at 13 weeks when the baby was fully formed and functioning .

I prayed in this time i really wanted a little girl, I promised God I would never get rid of another baby he gave me again if I could just have one little girl, I wasn't even a Christian those times. It didn't mean God didn't hear my cries, like he heard Hannah's. He remembered my promises in my desperation. He gave me two little girls within two years of each other!!! 

When the second pregnancy came unexpected and widely (meaning parties who weren't the parents) unwanted he reminded me that it was me that said I'd keep every child he gave me after, I didn't ask for specific circumstances, or any kind of preference in gender, I said every child!

And he gave me a very testing child lol, my bucketful of surprises. I think of her as my wild card! Challenging but rewarding. 

There isn't a day that goes by she doesn't tell me that she loves me and kisses and hugs me, it can be overwhelming at times, but it's a reminder of Gods love for me despite the bad decisions I've made.

Even typing this I don't want to share it because it's so personal and such a taboo subject, but I hear the voice of the Holy Spirit saying there's someone that needs to read this, because I'm not the only one to go through this.

In reference to my physical life when I told my mum she told me u was evil, but when I told my dad he was really understanding and non judgemental. 

So it's a evident battle but a usual live conquers all!!!

I am eternally grateful to God for his undeserved, forgiveness my only desire is to make Him pleased from now on, to live in obedience with humility, the way I desire my children to respect and honour me, only that God is the only one worthy of that honour and I am fully aware of that.

People only judge on what they see half the time we only see snippets, that's not enough. God sees the heart, the intentions and the motives, we don't!

Be blessed x