My gosh that 'word' has taken over my life, and how is it that now everyone needs some Godly advice and just gotta call me?
I had one drink! While cleaning my kitchen one night the next morning I woke up feeling like I'd put my head infront of a moving train, one drink? That's never happened to me before.
I've had some crazy dreams where my garage got robbed but pretty much everything was still there.
I had a dream where me and Jesus were visiting YouTube pages of women with sad life stories.
The dream that stands out the most is the one where he told me I was 'free to go' 3 times he repeated it and 3 times I felt a detatchment in my stomach!
Then I heard in order to leave you need to renounce Jesus and what he's done for you... Well for me that bit isn't quite as easy! I can't ever say he didn't die for me and I can't ever say his name released me when I've been pinned down in bed at night, like really isn't there another way, because that would be a complete lie to deny him.
So I'm free to go but I gotta renounce Jesus, totally stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My lauryn hill unplugged cd came a week earlier than expected and I kin of know why now. How inspiring! How promising! How motivating! She's been through it she's endured and she's come out a new person... Confirmation that there will be life on the other side if I continue.
I carried on with my days but not as usual. The days seemed harder to get through and colder and longer.
Thursday I went to choir practice, and we sung of course. The words we sang on the last song were like OMG I've been going about this all wrong, Gods words or revelation pissed me right off, but Jesus is still cool, he's my big brother that looks out for me he 'intercedes' for me so I can still talk to him.
When my family feud they pretty much always go through me.
Mali musics fight for you song was a forewarning to me Jesus said (in the song) no need to worry bout them let me downs... He knew he'd have to fight or me from day one... He's be my protector, my direction and protection... I could be anything to them, but to him I'm perfect... He refuses to lose me!
I still can't face the ultimatum Gods given me or the load he's expecting me to carry. I don't particularly want the destiny he's mapped out for me either, but I do need him.
This is the closest I've ever come to leaving, usually it's because of self condemnation, this time it was anger!
I probably failed my test miserably and I'm gonna have to retake it kmt
It really sucks that so many people depend on me and that I have to live a certain way for their salvation rather than my own. This intercession business isn't any fun, I can see my life slowly slipping away my wants going on a back burner and I don't want that, I don't care if Gods plans better it involves too many sacrifices.
How can I be expected to do so much when I come from so little? It way out of my comfort zone, too far in the deep for me to even want to try.
I keep hearing one day at a time, but each day I know where I'm heading and hoping he'll change his mind and if I do bad he'll give my crown to someone else and I can just chill.
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