Dem church people again

So I'm in church during worship kezia's dancing merrily and one of the elder chicks taps me and says I can't let her play at the front because she'll put the preacher off... Excuse me?

Background info: last week I wouldn't let Kezia play on my phone so she got upset and walked off, to the front of the church followed by my nephew. They got a bit giddy an caused a disturbance. They are aged 3 and 4. I can't say I blame them because for children of that age church must be extremely boring, they just don't get it and children's church is inconsistent which means they are expected to sit still for around 2 hours!

So she was judging me this week for last week, like I'm some kind of fool, kmt.

My response was "she's dancing!" Conversation ended there and it's a good thing too because chairs would have gone flying, the children of the people that have an active role in church are allowed to get up and dance and prance to the music without question, so what because I won't take a visible role my children don't get the same benefits? Don't p*ss me off I ain't hearing none of that.

Then, because it didn't end there... We were taking holy communion/ The Lords supper and the same woman told my homegirl she couldn't give her son 'wine' because he wasn't a Christian kmt that was it!

My face fully contorted and twisted up with disgust and a hint of rage and turned all the way around to look at her and everyone else who agreed with her that the child should not take part, then I looked at my friend thought to myself 'don't kick off now isn't the time, you can blog about it later lol' then I turned back and saw my friends son crying with embarrassment because he had been 'rejected' I gave him my wine because as far as I'm concerned noone should feel rejected especially in the house of The Lord. What made it worse was that they were quick to offer it to a woman who to my knowledge isn't even a member of the church and even said she didn't want to take part kmt.

Can you tell I'm really, really annoyed right now?

My good friend and sister in Christ has been in that church since the day she was saved, baptised and became a member she has a few active roles within the church, she is nearly always on hand to help and with a kind word, teaches her children diligently (yes I know big words) about God and in teaching her children, who may I add are actually more pure than any of us adults and have less sins to be forgiven. While doing her duty was shot down and made to feel like she was wrong for encouraging her children to follow Gods word!

That right there is why I said I ain't trying to be no church woman. 

The pastor preached on having revelation from God but not having understanding to comprehend the enormity of the revelation and that same lady sat and amened, agreed, recited scripture alongside the pastor then gave an exact example of his preaching.

Through lack of understanding she made a huge error!

My generation is a new generation to church, I accept the older generation don't fully understand us but they better recognise we gone save more souls than they could ever have us down for. We look, act and dress like the people of today, we can relate to the people of the world and show them an example (up to date) of what God has done for us and can do for them. We are living proof that Jesus reigns supreme.

The bible says 'woe to whoever causes one of these little ones ( meaning Christians, mainly in my opinion young ones, because older ones are more solid in their faith) who believe in Me to stumble...' I won't finish the scripture it's pretty  and I wouldn't want to scare anyone from helping me sin when I want to lol.

 But that could even mean discouragement so I strongly suggest we all think before we speak whether we believe in God or not. Judgement day is inevitable and we will all have to give account for our actions.

Notice!

Ive had some incredible feedback on my blog from my readers and I would just like to say a massive thank you for your support and encouragement.

At times I get a bit deep and worry it's too offensive/real, but you guys seem to love it so I'll amp it up lol.

I don't mind if you recommend a friend or foe to read my blog because my main aim is to bless people with the knowledge they aren't alone in their struggles and also to give those who know me a better understanding if who imam and why without having to repeat myself over and over like a scratched record.

My business is out there now, I am not ashamed of who I am and your not allowed to judge me because God said so nuuuuhhh! Lol 

But really thank you all so much 

Lots of love meeee

Why do people assume unemployed means bored?

I am a full time mother, a housewife without a husband I have a to do list almost as long as my arm, so why do people assume I have nothing to do?

I have plenty to do before I come out of my home in the morning and a load more things that need to be done when I get home before the children get back from school, then all the clothes changes homework, snacks and general catch up conversation, for some reason my children need to know my ins and outs for the day, which is fine because I ask them about theirs.

Then there's bath times, story times bed time prayers and more tidy up time.

As I said before in the day there is choir practice, food shopping, visiting family and friends, yes it is important those are the people that don't have many visitors.

Just looking after the children PROPERLY takes up nearly all of my time on its own.

I'm not willing to sacrifice their care or take any more of my attention from them than necessary, when they're older and I'm preaching the word to all nations if they're aren't doing well people are going to question if I practice what I preach.

I believe God will see me through and I believe where he's taking me I need to be well disciplined (as in self disciplined, don't start gassing lol).

Saturday is and pretty much always has been my day of rest and believe me I'm grateful for it!!!

There's always speculation and arguments over when the day of rest is, I can't speak for anyone else, but saturday is mine. I go to church on Sunday and I have to prepare for Monday so there is no rest for me on a Sunday lets not even go there.

It's really offensive to be told you are required to do things because you don't work... I do work I just don't get a proper salary!

Hopefully when I get married he'll earn enough salary for the both of us lol I'm not even going to pretend I'm joking,God  knows!

Honestly though I put slot into my home to make it comfortable for me and my children as well as guests and visitors.

I have a book called power of a praying wife by stormie omartian, in it, it says something sling the lines of the husband us the head if the home, but the wife is the heart. Call me old fashioned but I agree women know the difference between cream and magnolia, greige and beige etc. we have an eye for details. Some men have it too but never mind them for now.

We can pull it together make a house a home out if anything. That's what I do and I do it well if that's not ambitious enough, oh well. It's what makes me happy and my happiness determines how I live my life and treat others.

We are so caught up in social gain we miss the important things. How many women my age can knit or sew up the holes in socks etc?

How many if us have made our own curtain that are hanging proudly in our living rooms? Or do we run out to ikea and get the same curtains as everyone else? Do we throw away countless socks because there's a small hole in them?

Since when have these small but important thins become a shame? When since where they not considered an achievement?

If all I want to do is create a happy home does that make me a failure? If I'm happy to sacrifice my selfish dreams and ambitions so my children can achieve above and beyond does that make me stupid?

My grandma never learned to drive and to my knowledge worked in a factory until retirement, and I respect her for that! The majority I her children and grandchildren have been to university or had a good stable jobs for over 20 years, she might not have been a 'high flyer' but she did a real good job with her children, my aunt and uncles, who still keep in regular contact and are there for each other in a heart beat should anything I wrong or even right!

I watched her cook and clean and cater to my grandad and her family for years. I'm not saying she didn't complain (which is real funny to hear if you've got a spare few hours lol) but she was always on point and still is.

She and my grandad now have a beautiful home in Jamaica where they an relax after all their hard work and accomplishments it's not a life lived in vain.

I don't understand why no one thinks this life is acceptable even when it's written in the bible. People are too busy looking at material success to see spiritual success is the only way forward regardless of salary or qualifications.

I may look as though I have a lot to those looking in on my life but I actually have very little, I used to have too much for the wisdom I had! Even now as I go through my house I'm still throwing out and giving away which means to me the little I have is still too much lol, cryptic aren't I?

Basically I'm making room for the enormous blessing in expecting to receive. god says if you can be trusted with little you can be truste with much, I want to be so humble that my little seems like pittance in the eyes of others, then they will see the glory of God when my tiny seed grows into a massive tree. Like the mustard seed, which is smaller than nearly all other herb seeds but grows into one of the biggest trees there is. Google it, it's amazing!!!

Think about it...

Got me a new weave!

So I got me a new weave yesterday, I'm sorry to say but I finally feel like a woman again!!! I appreciate my natural beauty and all that but no form of enhancement was HORRIBLE!!!

3 weeks, infact it was more like 6 but who's counting lol, of no make up, no perfume, no jewellery or fancy hair dos even long soaks in the bath were out. I didn't realise for ages it was part of my fast.

It may sound shallow but for qualified nail and beauty technician it's a necessity.

However It really taught me something now I can't complain about that can I? Evey lesson learnt is a blessing.

Came to an end in time though, ready for my little holiday next week with my children.

Lots of selfies coming up!

But seriously now that I am again 'allowed' to use enhancements I don't see the need for so many, I no longer want my invisible eyebrows tattooed on for all to see from half a mile down the road, I don't need braclets, chains and big hoop earrings (I do love big hoop earrings I really do). I am fine just the way I am! At the time all I kept thinking was Omgosh people probably think I look bruk down and depressed or something. No one actually said that to me, but it didn't stop me thinking it. I even dressed 'down' which I now look at as humble.

My friend laughed and said I looked like a Romany gypsy loool I did see the funny side I was fighting illness at the time so I was layered up with cardigans. I don't have a warm coat.

Even now I'm a huge fan of leggings and skinny jeans but the way I dress them is different, the amount of me that's revealed is always conscious in my mind not because half the church complained about how I was dressing but because I am now aware of myself, the impact I have on men, how God feels about me and what kind of people I attract. It wasn't an over night thing it's been an on going process that started a while ago, the fast just enhanced and confirmed my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

See I'm stubborn I won't just accept what people say because they say it! I want proof, confirmation and reassurance. People think being stubborn is a curse but there's been many times when being stubborn has seen me through or even saved me from certain situations.

So anyway update on meee!

I've got long straight, layered weave on the right side of my head and it's plaited on the left (not a majorly fancy or special style, but better than the doo doo plaits an head scarf I've been rocking for the past few weeks), I've put my nose stud back in ( in sure there'll be a few complaints but I ain't hearing it), I've minxed my toe nails (hallelujah, crusty toes are not a good look) and I'm wearing small/medium sized hoop earrings!

Does that sound like a lot?

I'll tell you what I haven't done that I thought I needed to do... I haven't shaped/threaded and tinted my eyebrows, I'm not wearing more than one set of earrings (I have 2 sets of holes)  I'm not wearing my noisy braclets, I don't have on a full face of make up, I didn't stick on false eyelashes and I didn't get fancy nail extensions!

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with all that I love it all, I do. I'm saying I don't need it. I am wonderfully and fearfully made, in Gods likeness and image, the apple of his eye he chose me not based on my looks but my heart.

I wasn't born with any of that stuff and I'm sure people still crooned over how beautiful I was ( I hope they did or we'll be having words). It was just me in my nakedness.

Only a matter of days ago my auntie said you look so pretty natural, fresh faced and pure. I thought 'ermmm where you looking?' But that was infact one of the best compliments I could have received in my lifetime!

Like any woman I like to look good, but if I don't feel good because I don't look good something is wrong. The whole world bases our competence and acceptance on our looks and presentation. I don't intend to grow my children with that illusion, I intend to teach them how beautiful they are all day long regardless of what they're wearing or how their hair is done. If you can't look inside a person you may never know that person until it's too late!

You know that little saying the best price of make up a woman can wear is a smile!? Try it, in my opinion it works not just for you but for others!

I'm off to continue flicking my 14" weave to accompany my smile! 

Have a blessed day xx

Why me?

Why do I always seem to get left behind, when everyone's prospering and flourishing? Advancing to the next level in Christ and here I am exactly where I was last month or even last year!

Am I doing something wrong? Did I miss something?

Every month it's the same story for a few days to a week it is the worst time of my life... It affects everything!

I want to cry because in my eyes I look huge even though the tape measure only says there's a 1 cm difference!

My house goes completely child run as I'm crippled in my bed or on the sofa feeling sorry for myself.

The tiniest little things set me off I feel like the whole world is out to get me, I used to think it was the after effect of smoking so much weed in my youth now I don't know.

Last night I hit a real low. It all started with why did I get married too, believe it or not. It was so nice to watch 'fairy tale' marriages then it dawned on me that I was forever waiting for my own marriage!

I've been single since 2006ish after my crazy psycho ex I decided I wouldn't have another relationship again. It was actually a good decision because everything that came close was a natural disaster.

Yes I've had two children since then and I still wouldn't like to think I was in a 'relationship' with their dad it is other people that label it that.

He's been in prison almost a year now and in that year I've become even further from anything considered a relationship.

Which you could say is Gods great plan yay, cleansing and purging.... If I'm honest it sucks!

No one to offload on, no one to pick up where I leave off, no in house support, no one to play with my hair while I'm watching tv (something comforting my mum used to do). No it just me 3 messy children and my thoughts.. My thoughts are a dangerous place, they usually bombard me when I'm washing the dishes so I try to avoid them washing up like the plague, lol not a good look!

So at the end of the film the woman's husband died and everyone made up and lived 'happily ever after'

There it goes all the tears I've been storing up, all the tension packed into my little heart, beating stress and unhappiness round my body, pretty much poisoning my existence and tainting the way I see everything.

I know marriage isn't all flowers and chocolates, smiles and hand holding. I'm not stupid I have had relationships in the past. I know it's a ministry in itself, but just because it's not all fun an games doesn't mean I shouldn't want it, children aren't all cuddles and kisses but people desire and have them all the time, even the response to wanting to multiply is pretty dim.

I've been told God bottles up all tears and responds to them with blessings, I hope he got enough of them last night. The crying didn't last long (I'm easily distracted, so I started looking for a new film to watch) if I want to pray for a husband and some sanctified sex who can tell me I shouldn't? 

He will give you your hearts desire he said. Who sees moments like last night when I start to drown in my loneliness? Who's there for me when I feel to tired to get out of bed and make breakfast? 

Who takes my children out so I can just be still?

I'm actually thinking who as I write this and I can come up with no one! I'm not saying I don't have help I'm saying I don't  have anyone to share my load with, I understand I'll take his load on too, I don't have a problem with that, if I know God even a little bit, I know my weakness will be my husbands strength and vice versa.

I've heard be satisfied with The Lord... Kmt if that was the case you think he might fulfil my desires or even change them and stop me pining over what won't be.

I even hear God sends you someone to hug you when you need a hug, maybe my standards of need are way different and I'm not made in his likeness an image, because I don't get no 2am knocks on the door just for hugs!

Yes God has to separate you from all your old soul ties, I'm up for that!

I'm sure I received that blessing a few weeks ago...

The cooking skills have amped up, the weights kinda stalled but it's still shifting.

Those things don't make you a better spouse but I'm sure they help lol.

I actually know what I should be doing he's told me, but my patience is so immature that it effects my faith.

That right there is pretty painful for me knowing that I'm in the way of my own blessings, I'll be real my question is I what do I do in the mean time?

In the mean time I'm bored and lonely, I'm striving towards something I don't see and I'm not even 100% sure I'm going to receive, I refuse to compromise in this area my previous choices haven't brought good results and I like to think I learn from my mistakes.

I've been told by someone (I'm sure it was in love) go and find a man and bring him to church lol, it doesn't really work like that for a lot of people and as I said my choices are not always the best.

Marriage is something I take seriously it's a lifetime commitment it's a once in a lifetime thing, unless your first spouse dies. I don't accept divorce as an option, not in my life!

Maybe my emotions are just being amplified by my monthly cycle (bit personal but to be expected with me).

I did feel dramatic crying about being single it's not like I'm the only one, but no single people ever talk to me on a level and tell me what to expect and how to overcome. Until I figure it out for myself I'm stuck in this place of 'self pity' because I don't really understand how God works.

People that don't even know Jesus seem to be in happy relationships is this cleansing really necessary? Does it have to take so long?

How much longer will my children be fatherless?

I mean if this guy wants a child I'm not getting any younger! I've accepted that I may have a child over the age of 30 which I was dead set against for the longest, but let's not push it!

Why does it seem as though I'm the only one struggling with this?

Why does no one have an answer for me?

Every time in mention it to someone I get focus on God, wait on The Lord kmt... Let's try telling me something I want to hear lol

Peace out x

Church hurt!

Anyone ever been hurt by someone or people in a church? Physically, emotionally, spiritually?

Is it possible? Yes! 

Church people are still people! And people can be mean and selfish and spiteful.

A lot of people like myself go into a church and expect 'perfection' a whole load of people who have got their life together and can help you sort out yours too. Sadly that's not the case.

I know many people that won't go near a church because they've been upset by someone in a church and u understand I sympathise, but I ask will you let one person be the reason you don't get to jam with God for eternity? After being in his presence ad receiving his blessings you feel fine to turn your back on him because of a person that probably doesn't realise how muh they hurt you?

I know hurt I dealt with it as soon as I got in the church doors infact it had me walking back out with my deuces up.

It was my personal relationship with God why I'm back again! All the 'advice' and 'coercing' in the world wouldn't have got me back into church with those hypocrites! But God could his words his promises his specially appointed people to bring me scriptures and encouragement, if he didn't live me as much as he does, if he didn't keep his hand on my life as heavily as he does I would not be here blogging today, I'd be high as a kite cleaning the same spot on my laminate flooring that is been cleaning for the last hour or so, like I used to do.

Pop some speed clean all day, isolate myself from everyone, because people bring mess, then roll my big fat spliff for my bedtime come down!

I would probably be worse I'd have 'those guys' (the ones you wouldn't bring he to meet the family) buzzing round on rotation with my in after bedtime, out before sunrise rule!

Harbouring hatred in my hert for every person that had the cheek to mention the name Jesus in my presence.

It took me over a year to overcome my feelings towards 'church people' it's only recently I can smile at offense and be like "oh well you're gonna have to answer to my daddy for that one but have a nice life "

 I wanted to go back to church, he wanted me back in church but very time I went it was like ripping open an old wound!

All the sermons seemed to be about forgiveness I wasn't trying I hear that.

Why was I so wounded? I'll tell you...

My first ever time in church I saw a good few people I knew from a few years back friends and foes. There was one lady I knew and used to have light conversation with, when I got to church rather than welcoming me with open arms and gladness, she more or less stated right through me, she spoke to the person I wa with and didn't even give me any form of acknowledgement! I thought that was weird but maybe she didn't remember me so never mind.

She remembered me on my baptism and commitment, she even had encouraging words for me, I assumed it was all in my head and we were cool!

But then I asked to get my daughter dedicated (christened)!!!

You would think I was asking her to perform a human sacrifice.

She was always unavailable and busy there was never a chance to talk to her, that's normal for Sunday after church it is really busy I tried not to get too upset about that. Then I was given her number and tried to sort it out over the phone, that was a myth if she answered she was busy and wanted me to call back, after a few weeks she changed her number and failed to contact me even though she had mine. The one time she called me back it was in private number.

She give me a list of all the information I needed and said to hand it to her in church the following week, guess what!? She wasn't in church the following week, the week after was the date for the dedication. I had family travelling over 200 miles for this occasion I had no arrangements, nothing was concrete, catering numbers names nothing!

I still had faith it would be alright because God himself told me it would be fine.

Two days before the date when nothing had been confirmed I found out there was another dedication on the same day and my daughters fathers current woman was going to be attending!!! Are you high? I wasn't having that!

I left work texted everyone saying "it was cancelled" of course everyone wanted to know why, being so immature in Christ I felt compelled to answer their questions an the more I talked about it the more infuriated I became. I wanted to smash her face in! How dare she dodge my calls and not help to plan my daughters 'christening' but yet she had time to do the same with someone else, worst of all someone I didn't even like!!!!!!!

I told my pastors and my mentor all the people I thought would be able to help me and I got... Church hurt!

I was dismissed and told I was imagining it because she wouldn't do that... pssht!

I was told it wasn't her it was the devil... Pssht!

Apparently she was still going to find a way to get the information needed after work on Friday ready and sorted by Sunday morning! I'm sorry I still don't believe that to this day.

I had to see her every Sunday, I constantly had the reminder that everyone was telling me I had made it up in my own mind, which to me said she's been here longer than you pipe down!

No I wasn't going out quietly yes I made a scene told everyone that would listen what she did.

And would you believe even the people that agreed and sympathised with me still didn't back me! I was in my own with this one no 'friends', no parental support, no mentor support, no pastoral support just me, a 3 month old Christian and this massive injustice!

Well if no one was goin to take my feelings into account I wasn't going back there, the place was full of lying hypocrites the kind that put the rest of the world off of Christianity, the ones that blame the devil for every bad thing like there's no free will. I did not intend to become like that.

Time passed, not a lot of time but more than enough for a babe in Christ. I went to other churches because I made the decision that noone was going to stop me doing what I had to do, God called me so even if that church didn't want me God still did, my journey couldn't end so soon I dismissed thought that I'd been in, brought a few friends through the door, they were who God wanted his use for me had expired, I was used and useless!

People were telling me 'come back to church' pssht are they crazy? Where were they when u needed them? Who stood up for me when my voice wasn't being heard? Who dealt with the burning anger tearing up my insides every time I turned my he'd and saw 'her' sat worshipping like she hadn't done anything?

No I wasn't having it!

I found a new church and this place was awesome, close to home, made provisions for my children, welcomed me through the doors etc it was the one. I'd never been to a church like it in my life.

As time went on I stopped going to that church too, I tried another one but it was boring, I just lost my zeal I was slipping right back to where I'd began, living reckless!

To my surprise God hadn't finished with me yet he was still talking to me still teaching me and guiding me.

It did take me a while before I was back at my 'home' church there was a lot of strengthening happening within my own four walls I've got to thank God for the God channels and good people that take time out to listen and pray.

I went back but the anger was still there the resentment had to have been all over my face because I couldn't control it.

She still hadn't apologised, she didn't even acknowledge she'd done anything wrong it was like war of the wills, believe me there was a silent battle going on.

That Joyce Meyer boy what can I say? Her forgiveness messages are spot on, straight to the heart and sincere, they began to take root, my teaching at ellel ministries watered and strengthened those roots, they taught me forgiveness is a decision first not am action, it became a good fruit in my life.

I believe because of my determination and Gods help the change came my pastors apologised for their lack of support in the matter.

Gods intervention was evident she wasn't even in church for around 4-5 weeks after I decided to go back! That's rare, so you know that's grace right here.

I began to wonder where she was in her absence and if she was actually alright herself. By the time she came back I was re-rooted in church and she didn't bother me.

I was God mother to my God daughter at the same church arranged by the same woman, I even noticed the twinges disappear while attending other christenings at the church.

She still hasn't apologised but forgiveness doesn't depend on apologies it's your decision and what's in you that makes the difference and it takes a lot to get over a hurt like that.

 My children are my world, rejection of children sparks a monster in most mothers I don't know how anyone else would have reacted but I'm sure it would have been oh well never mind loool.

It was a few months ago when her mother approaches me and said 'young lady you never say hi when I speak to you' obviously I had a cocky little answer for her (and yes the spirit did prick me for it, ad told me to hush my mouth) then she said when she says hi she says it in love. That left a lingering thought in my mind "have I fully forgiven?" 

Now was the time to give it all up I now say hi to everyone even if they blank me I get a lot if 'church people' act like they don't see me but that's their business... My concern is my salvation and no one is worth it! Judgement day we will all have to answer for our wrongs and the excuses " but he said..." Or "because she did..." Just won't cut it!

I suffered a knock that a lot of people wouldn't be able to get up from, let alone a 3 month old single Christian mom on her own... So my question is if I can do it, why won't you? 

Notice I said won't and not can't! Because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

A good few people have now been through church hurt recently and only now are they getting a feel of what I went through in 2012, the flesh part of me is like "yeah now you know how it feels you should probably apologise for accusing me of exaggerating" but the Christlike side I me says " I understand your pain I will pray for your healing and deliverance"

In all honesty I still don't know if it was deliberate or not. I only have my side of events, she may well have a good reason for all that happened. One day I might find out or I might not, either way I have forgiveness in my heart and not just for her but as a foundation for everyone who I feel has hurt or offended me the rest of my days, foundations are to be built on so I expect many more upsets. I'll be sure to blog about them!

Noones perfect we all fall short of the glory so who can judge? Including me, it's not my place.

It was a horrible experience, but if it helps just one person it was worth it!

My calling...

Over the last few months The Lord has revealed to me why he called me, I pretended I couldn't hear him because I wanted something I considered easier.

Live as day he said you're an intercessor! Me? How can I be an intercessor when out of everybody I struggle to pray the most? I'm too easily influenced by my emotions to be a dedicated prayer warrior! 

But again he repeated it to me I want you  pray for him or her, again I said how? I can't even pray for myself!

So he let me feel his compassion for every person that was hurting, lost, depressed, despaired or scared. It's not nice to feel any of those ways at some stage of my life I've felt all the above.

Then I realised I'd had a breakthrough in my prayer life at some point and I couldn't stop I was constantly praying for  someone. Then I started noticing the results, but hold up wait a minute!!! Where were my results? How come when I prayed for myself or my circumstances it never came to pass? Don't tell me to wait on The Lord because the people I was praying for were getting whatever it was I'd prayed for them in a hot minute.

That really p*ssed me off so I started to research the role of an intercessor.

I had some people tell me I needed to look inside myself and start examining my motives, kmt hush I didn't wanna hear that!

Then I had someone explain the role of an intercessor to my satisfaction then go on to imply my life wasn't clean enough to be an intercessor, mate I ain't seen you in months how have you any idea how clean my life is or isn't? Plus you were the same person that doubted my gift of discernment... Won't be calling you again!

None of my answers really satisfied my craving for the answer not that they were completely invalid. I asked almost everyone but God lol because that clearly makes sense, not.

I finally got an answer that took away the craving satisfying my soul completely I'm not really supposed to pray for my merry little self, I'm supposed to 'seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all else will be added unto me' ok finally perfect sense... Pray for everyone else's needs and God will sort me out for being selfless.

Does it sound easy? Yes it does but it isn't, because now I find I'm the first point of call for a lot of people the good Lord brings them to me  either directly or via phone, Facebook, whatsapp, bus stop you name it... I'm agony aunt to half my city and some. When I speak to my friends and family I ask the spirit for guidance with what to say or I just open my mouth and hope he'll fill it with his words lol.

After conversations with people I'm like kmt now I gotta go pray for you, thanks! They laugh like I'm joking 😄 I'm being serious I've got to always be in prayer, and I've always got housework to do! As soon as the house is tidy I get a load of prayer assignments that keep me busy for a few days, mixed with a bit of procrastinating there's another load of housework to keep me busy til my next prayer assignment!

It's nice to see people coming through, getting breakthroughs and giving their lives and hearts to The Lord it really I rewarding!

He even prompts me to pray for church services and I see a big difference in the service literally before prayer and after, it could be something as simple as the union if those singing on the worship team to the Holy Spirit taking over the service completely, it is awesome to see the power of prayer.

The downside is while I'm fighting battle on the frontline the devils causing ruckus in my home... My children will be playin up at school or constantly arguing with each other the more I try to take authority the less in charge I seem. Now I need to add to my to do list, start speaking the word of God over my home... I'll be honest I'm starting to feel overwhelmed!

Scripture says God is a God of peace and order, if I keep reminding myself that I'll have more faith in what I'm saying, but the truth is I'm saying it alone, I'm doing it all alone.

I often say I need a husband to share duties and then I think 'oh no that sounds bad' because I'm basically saying God won't give me the strength to do it on my own, which he will, but... The scripture that come to mind are 'one will put 1,000 to flight but two will put 10,000 to flight!' And 'where two or more agree on earth it's shall be done in heaven and on earth...' Who will I agree with?

I'm getting a bit tired if taking my business out of my home to ask for impractical help!

Yes I know I have a blog but if I'm honest you guys get the victory story, after I've passed through the storm you get how I 'felt' not really how I 'feel'. (Sorry)

I know God has plenty more jobs for me I'm kind of worried that I won't be able to juggle it well enough.

I didn't get to go to college this year because of all I'm having to balance, I couldn't do the ministry course at church for the same reason, I miss out on a lot of things because I'm maintaining my home and family and that's fine because my children are my main ministry. If I was out preaching the gospel and my children were hooligans who would listen to me?

I wouldn't  listen to me I'd think hypocrite! That's the worlds favourite name for falling/ fallen Christians not realising they themselves are infact judging others.

So let's look at my current affairs:

*children

*church

*choir practice

*chores

*decorating

*school run

*reading the bible

*intercession

*childrens extra curricular activities

*fellowship

*meditating

*bible studies

*leisure time

Looking at it written down there is a lot of "churchy" things in my life but I'd say they were all necessary, what could I cut out? And before you say leisure time that's things like painting my toenails which isn't a luxury when you're a qualified nail technician it's a necessity, and I don't even get to do that very often either.

Luckily the decorating will be over by the Christmas period.

In my opinion there's is nothing that can be cut and I certainly don't see room to add anything! It's times like these I really wish I still had a car travelling time takes up so much time and if you're travelling with the children you can't read that little snippet if the bible with all that talking they do, 3 sets of yapping in my ears daily!

Where God can you squeeze anything else ino my life? I don't even see space for that companion I've been whinging for.

I do know I've got to pray for a breakthrough because this isn't right, I can't go on stretch beyond measures by what should be the simplest things in life

I needn't worry of fear just follow my instructions and it will all work out.

I have been called to pray on behalf of many people, why? I'm not sure, but I know the King of Kings knows why and will tell me in due time.

Obviously I will blog about this again so you know how I'm getting on

Invisible sin!

I had an abortion once before, not many people know about it and no one ever talks about it, but I always think about it!

Especially now when I see my two girls so close in age and my son riding solo, when you know he too should have a partner to play and argue with.

When people see me with my children or saw me pregnant I'm pretty sure they always have/had something to say regarding my choice of daddys, but what about the lost one? That sin is equal, that scandal is just as bad as me having children for a 'man hoe' I took an innocent life because I was thinking of my own. 

Granted I was very young and fresh out of school, but it was a life nonetheless, a gift God gave me that I literally threw away.

The whole process there was always a voice saying don't do it, it's wrong, you will be able to cope. I found out 12 years later that voice was God.

No one comments on the lost life of that child, just the three they see, no one sees the empty space in my family when we're taking a trip to the shops. No one judges me on that out of wedlock pregnancy, because they don't see evidence of it! If I had no heart, if The Lord didn't convict my soul, I'd think 'phew I got away with that one' or even 'ok to hide my sins is like they never happened' if I based my wrongs and rights off of people's reactions and agreements or disagreements I would do more wrong than right! Imagine, does that even make sense?

I got pregnant outside of marriage, then killed the baby to hide my sin! I'm free of all judging stares and comments...

I got pregnant outside of marriage, accepted my wrong doing and vowed to do my best for my children I get disapproving speeches and baby father drama!

Someone show me the justice in this world!

Truth is I am forgiven, cleansed and washed of that act although it doesn't stop moments like now when I regret what I did and can't help but think of the negative affects it may have had on my current circumstances. We have no idea what impact our selfish decisions have on our lives in the future or even the lives of those around us.

If I could go back and rectify it would I?

What will I say on judgement day when I have to give an account for my actions?

It's not the sort of thing you bring up in general conversation, and when it does arise, there's always an uncomfortable vibe followed by an uncomfortable silence loool, nobody knows what to say. They can't tell you it's alright because it's not, you already know you're forgiven what more is there to be said? 

I even knew the due date, every year just before my birthday I have a little mental reminder that I should be celebrating my sons birthday too, how do I know it was a boy?

It was 7 years before I would conceive again, I thought it was punishment for ending the last pregnancy at 13 weeks when the baby was fully formed and functioning .

I prayed in this time i really wanted a little girl, I promised God I would never get rid of another baby he gave me again if I could just have one little girl, I wasn't even a Christian those times. It didn't mean God didn't hear my cries, like he heard Hannah's. He remembered my promises in my desperation. He gave me two little girls within two years of each other!!! 

When the second pregnancy came unexpected and widely (meaning parties who weren't the parents) unwanted he reminded me that it was me that said I'd keep every child he gave me after, I didn't ask for specific circumstances, or any kind of preference in gender, I said every child!

And he gave me a very testing child lol, my bucketful of surprises. I think of her as my wild card! Challenging but rewarding. 

There isn't a day that goes by she doesn't tell me that she loves me and kisses and hugs me, it can be overwhelming at times, but it's a reminder of Gods love for me despite the bad decisions I've made.

Even typing this I don't want to share it because it's so personal and such a taboo subject, but I hear the voice of the Holy Spirit saying there's someone that needs to read this, because I'm not the only one to go through this.

In reference to my physical life when I told my mum she told me u was evil, but when I told my dad he was really understanding and non judgemental. 

So it's a evident battle but a usual live conquers all!!!

I am eternally grateful to God for his undeserved, forgiveness my only desire is to make Him pleased from now on, to live in obedience with humility, the way I desire my children to respect and honour me, only that God is the only one worthy of that honour and I am fully aware of that.

People only judge on what they see half the time we only see snippets, that's not enough. God sees the heart, the intentions and the motives, we don't!

Be blessed x  

Offense the new defence

Offense is something we all face, whether offending someone or being offended by someone, it's an inevitable part of life.

I don't know why but I seem to be easily offended or maybe irritated, but they're both the same to me, I don't know if people realise or if it's just cool because I let it slide, so to speak.

Family the best and worst gift ever! The majority if them come across as though they think they're better than me or know more than I do, but who cares I'm still the daughter of the most high king!

I can't say I'm looking forward to certain main events in my life where it's 'imperative' you invite your whole family because I don't intend to, I'm looking to cut costs so we'll start with people that don't even drop an 'is everything alright' text and the worst thing none re exempt!

Is it my council house why you think you're the bees knees?

Maybe it's because I don't dress to impress anyone not worth impressing, or how I'm content with the little I have, it could just be my lethal tongue that spits venomous truths... Who knows? And even more to the point who cares?

Every time some snobby Christian leaves a whiff of arrogance an self righteousness lingering in my path God gives me the scripture about 'the stone the builders rejected has now become the chief cornerstone' yeah I know that scriptures talking about Jesus but in reference to my life to me it means everyone that's shunned an scorned me because I'm 'not like them' will eventually be kissing my dust. When I rise up by Gods will and not my own, I will then help the rest of the shunned and scorned I'm not trying to be a church woman! That's a title I can do without I'm striving to be 'a woman of God' and yes there is a big difference.

No one wants to hear the truth in fact no one even wants to speak it! One thing I sincerely and genuine give thanks for regularly is my distaste for lies, I can sniff a lie from a mile off and recently that's pretty much all I can smell lies, deceit and pityful excuses... No one wants to hear them, try being brutally honest at least with the truth you can hurt then heal, lies fester and let off rank smells!

I see those men and women in church who missed there calling because they were trying to please men. I see those people in church who try to hold people in the church so it livens up 'that church' but I refuse to miss my train and I will not be held down by anyone, because God promised to give me life more abundantly not just a blessed existence.

Imagine never feeling like you truly belong every where  you go, knowing eventually you're going to have to leave! It gets annoying I can tell you.

People are like oh you moved again, or where you going now, what church you at now.... Roll my eyes!! I dunno what that's got to do with you but yeah, I can't be stuck in one place because stuck is exactly what it is.

I like to be free as soon as that changes I feel threatened almost like a bird that's been caged, you were once free to fly wherever you liked then someone saw the beauty of your freedom and captured it out of pure selfishness, instead of trying to fly too.

When people ask me why I wasn't in church or why didn't I go convention or this meeting or that conference I want to get all irate and ask them what it's got to do with them all they really had to say was I missed you, God forbid I should have a life outside if the church walls that might consist of a place to live and children to fend for. My gosh!!!! I could scream in the faces of every offensive person that so much as looks at me, but that wouldn't be manifestation of the fruits of the spirit instead I exercise kindness, self control, gentleness and patience. 

Very hard when your blood pressures rising from your feet upwards, but through the grace of God it's possible, I haven't spontaneously punched anyone in the mouth in the last two years or more lol.

 People offend me almost daily friends, family and even complete strangers for whatever reason in whatever circumstance it happens, but it's how you deal with it that matters! 

Some times it's best to just ignore, sometimes say that's upset me, but don't necessarily expect an apology as long as you've done your part your conscience is clean.

As for me I'm still not inviting a lot of my family to my immediate family events such as birthdays, christenings, weddings, celebrations. If you don't share in my sorrow you don't share in my joy! My motto could well be wrong but that's how I see it now.

I feel offended when people that don't know what God does in my house talk about how I should raise my children, or how I should dress or who I can and can't talk to!

I get offended by the whole black church,  white church thing! Aren't we all one in the eyes of The Lord?

I feel offended by the attitudes of some if the elders responses to the young people in the church nowadays, I mean really? Do they have any idea what young people face nowadays? In these perilous end times when the devils running the world amok, with all the influences we're told we 'need' to get by?

I'm offended by the clicks in church the groups of 'similar' people clumping together, truth be told I don't fit anywhere I'm too unique.

I'm offended with the term good Christian when, people walk or drive past homeless or struggling people with bags in a flash without a second glance, when the person in the queue ahead is short a few pound or pence and 'good Christians' can't spare that change!

Don't start me off.... Please don't tell me what Christlike is about, show me. The word of God says you will know them by their fruits, show me some good, healthy, righteous fruit! Faith without works is dead, as is works without love! God is a God of order, find the balance and do your part if you see a person struggling share their burden until they can manage alone, when Cain asked God if he was his brothers keeper he already knew the answer was Yes! Not his judge or his teacher, his keeper. You keep your brothers and sisters lifted, in spirit and in this life, try complimenting each other, noones the 'better Christian' stop tearing each other down, in all honesty what you say about others is a reflection into yourself.

Clear out your own home before you cast judgement on anyone else's, leave the offense to the footballers. We are all called to have one accord and be like minded, Christ minded! Bear that in mind before you open your mouth and offend another.

Blessings

Well what a roller coaster I've been on having been instructed by the Holy Spirit to go on a fast for finances, I've definitely learnt a few things!

Firstly I was told to stop shopping, my question was how we gonna eat if there's no food, Gods response was "trust me"

Ok seems like an easy thing to do right!? Not if ur trust in general is like non existent, it was a trust and faith building exercise that I will never forget.

My bank account had been empty for over two weeks, payments went in and straight back out again. But that's fine, at least it was until the cupboards started running low. I started getting concerned, my miracle wasn't appearing when I thought I needed one!

Another week passed by, the fridge freezer started emptying too! Right here's my prayer "God you said to trust you and I can't see anything to feed my children with how are we going to survive with no food and no money??"

My answer came as " don't not worry about tomorrow, or what you will eat or wear"

That makes me feel better. Now I understand it all, not!

Then I started to realise a pattern, I was fasting so I didn't eat until dinner time anyway but the children had breakfast, lunch then dinner time someone unknowingly blessed us with dinner on those days my mind struggled to be creative with whatever was left.

Wow! Now my faith/trust levels were rising. When I felt hunger pangs I'd sit and read and pray for quite a while by the time I was finished, I'd forgotten all about food and would have enough strength and energy to carry on like I'd just had a meal.

Then I got a text to say can you do my children's hair this weekend, again another blessing from God not only did I earn bus fare for the school run and my bible study book I also had money that I could finally put in the collection plate, my loose change was 10% of my income. I had the internal war that it was pointless putting that amount in, then the story of the widows mites came to mind it was only a little, but it was all I had and I only had it because God blessed me with it.

I learned to become more obedient, fine tuned my ears to his voice, especially when it came to offerings and what I shouldn't be doing.

Get togethers with my social group were a myth as they usually centre around food!!! I missed out on a few things and partly because in top if my usual daily chores they were just too much without my usual intake of food, sacrifices that won't go unnoticed. 

Unfortunately some people took offense because I didn't feel to justify my absence, fasting is a very personal thing to me.

My prayer life, worship and praise were up by 10% at least I didn't even know how to worship before! Imagine I've been 'saved' two years and I didn't understand the concept of worship but then again I didn't realise what I had to worship him for, all the things we take for granted.

In the mornings I thought I would have to walk 2 miles to school with the children but I never did! I always got blessed with money for the bus, a lift or even a parent stopping to take Angel to school for me! God is so good, he's too good. All he asked was for me to trust him. I didn't instantly stop worrying but I did stop trying to figure out ways to make ends meet.

Of course the devil came with his tips and ideas in the form of old friends but I wasn't going without my beloved food for so long to then go and lose my blessing by using my own initiative, no thanks I'll just work on my patience.

Sunday services were amazing, my deliverance was like none I'd ever experienced before, the next weeks topic was so close to home it was like confirmation of what God had been telling me.

My passports came through this week after about 5 weeks of struggle, I cashed in my bond after weeks of worrying about spending money.

All these things I believe came about because I obeyed, somethings are so small you wouldn't think they counted for anything, but in the everlasting kingdom it's the little things that make the big difference!

I sorted payment for my tithes and offerings as instructed by God, we did have an ongoing conversation on why I should pay these to whom and why? And yes he answered every question with a satisfying answer even if I'd heard it before, coming from the main source it was indisputable. I feel much better for it, almost like a weight off my shoulders, when doing the will of God you should feel peace.

My fast is coming to an end now and it seems very difficult more so than it did in the beginning, but I will keep going until the end because it was what I was instructed to do... Obedience is better than sacrifice!

Emosh

I feel totally bleh! I don't know if it's that time of the month but I know I need to reevaluate my life. Friends I consider brothers and sisters are slowing down my spiritual journey  I don't want to diss them but I know I'm going to have to give some of them up soon, I'm just scared I'll be all alone at the end of it.

Poor random men that talk to me are getting it in the neck, being completely honest I'm sick of being polite to them.

How dare you approach me with pepper grains in the back of your head? I don't mean to sound materialistic but you can tell a lot about a man by his shoes and I'm not seeing any impressive footwear!!! Even a fresh pair of Jesus sandals would be a bonus!

You can't even offer me anything I can't do for myself! And you expect me to compromise my relationship with God, for you, seriously?

Don't! How did I tell the man I wasn't interested and he continued to walk alongside me and my daughters shoving his phone in my face, lying about going to New York for 2 weeks. Not in them trainers mate!!!

It could only be the grace of God why I didn't rugby tackle his lanky a** into the main road!

He's not even the only one I'm sick of it I don't know if I've ever prayed so hard for a car!!!

(Rant over)

I'm going to have to cut myself off from my surroundings because right now the only voice I want to hear is Gods I'm sick of opinions and what people think is best for me and my children, I appreciate the concern but you don't know me as well as my Heavenly Father, you don't know the plans he has for my life yet you look at my circumstance and assume your point if view is what I need. No I need prayer and plenty of it!!! I don't know if half my circle pray for me as much as I do for them. It's not a tit 4 tat thing but it's an indication of my character 'treat others how you want to be treated' aka 'love thy neighbour as you love thyself'

So I'm shutting down, locking myself away whoever's there when I come back is a true friend indeed, whoever is not, I won't take offense.

God bless and good day x

Battle of the exes

So I saw one of my ex's a few days ago! Conveniently after my, big old, soul tie deliverance.

He called me a few times last week but to be honest there is nothing appealing about this guy... The jewelry is dead out, the car ain't all that he's got the personality of a peanut and I no longer smoke weed!!!

Not really any use to me is he?

He seemed a little distant though hopefully it's the breaking of the soul tie and not because he feels rejected, he always seems to bounce back from those lol 

Anyway like the large majority of my ex's he makes me want to vomit then move to the South Pole so I never have to lay my delicate eyes on him again! Not very Christian like is it? Well unfortunately this is the 'real' me, a bit too witty for my own good.

Gods working on this part but I'd be lying if I said I wanted it gone soon.

Yep I do need prayer for it so feel free to go ahead and do so x

Rage!!!!

I finally had it out with the teachers at Angels school! Enough is enough I've been running backwards and forwards at their command for too long.

I will not attend meetings without prior warning I will not be emotionally blackmailed into abandoning my other two children, thus creating myself a bigger problem in the future.

We went head to head... Me and the deputy head, I know it was a spiritual battle more so than a physical one but in both realms I made a stand!

God released me from my soul ties I do not need to feel inferior, timid, scared or overpowered!

I am the daughter of the most high king I know my rights SNM

The same goes for everyone and everything else, I used to hold it all in and submit, then explode on some poor undeserving soul. Not anymore I will deal with the issue as and when it comes. No more pushing it to the back of my mind or letting it slide.

I'm not aggressive nor am I passive aggressive, I am assertive!

I will walk in my new freedom and no one can tell me any different, I'm aware I may lose friends/ accquaintances, but I know full well everybody can't go where I'm going. It's another sacrifice I have to make in order to please God and not man!