So I moved into my new home in May and I was all gassed up ready to turn a sh*thole into a palace (excuse my choice of words). As a short amount of time passed my faith started to run thin, the comments that came thick and fast about how the house looked and smelt, how much work i'd have to put in to bring it up to standard, were taking my focus off the final goal! I was losing focus and faith, you can't be a successful Christian without either of those. It only took a month and that was it. I'd lost it, what a light weight satan must of been laughing at me from his arm chair he'd disarmed me with only a few words!
I couldn't cope I thought God had lied to me and that he wouldn't see me through I felt tricked into imagining a better quality of life so someone could live in the palace I'd built!!! The bible says God will exchange my ashes for beauty, but that's not what I got... I got the ashes, literally every room stank of stale cigarette smoke a constant reminder of my past 'smoking' the cigarettes crept in really slowly first the odd one or two here and there, then one or two a day and all of a sudden 10 a day! But that wasn't all. There are approximately 6 pubs within walking distance and oh how I love music, that's a deadly little cocktail of music, cigarettes and alcohol!
But of course I couldn't stop there my moods down, my joy... Stolen! Right out of my hands I wasn't happy I was justabout dealing with my life my spiritual life was under attack I didn't want to face anyone, I couldn't sleep under the pressure, if I can't sleep I can't look after my children properly. There was no routine, no substance no foundation!
It went in for weeks, everyone I asked for help was busy or only gave me bloody scripture! Forgive me for saying this Lord but scripture weren't gonna do my ironing or put my children to bed at 7pm or help Angel do better in school, scripture wasn't stripping wallpaper or painting ceilings and skirting boards!
I was running on empty again no help, no faith, weak half hearted prayers.
I went to the doctor the only people I could think of that would willingly help me when I asked, less than 10 minutes later I was on my way to the chemist with a new prescription for anti depressants! A few days passed I didn't feel much better, almost a week later they were kicking in I felt lifted but I still couldn't sleep. I went back to the doctor again got a different set of pills this time. This set made me feel awful all I craved was sweets, cake and chocolate (after working 35 lbs off in the gym along with healthy eating, that kind if diet is a nightmare), I felt as though my mind was separated from my body, I was disorientated all day long it felt like A 'come down' and I still couldn't sleep! Weeks with no sleep and the school holidays were upon me, the doctor recommended I keep taking them, another trip to the doctor a week or two later and another set of pills I'll be honest they were absolute crap! I still couldn't sleep I was getting anxious and really unsettled, the holidays were nearly over and I'd have to get back into routine or school would be on my case about Angel being in on time, plus Kezia was starting her 2 and a glad days a week I wanted to start college (again another story). All through the turmoil God was telling me i needed to read and pray before bed I on the other hand wasn't having any of it because he promised he would furnish my home and I had less now than I had 6 months ago, he told me to give up my car in exchange for something better I was trapped in my house in hot days 'monged' out of my head on pills that caused swelling of the feet! So I was going nowhere especially on foot.
I gave up with the pills they were doing nothing for me suicide thoughts were running wild in my head, luckily I was too lazy to act on them.
Not even shopping made me feel better (and that's saying something!) nor the decorating I managed to complete.
I was another mess my journey seems like two steps forward one step back!
I'd had enough, rock bottom is not where I want to spend the rest of my life I signed up to the gym and went one evening that always puts me to sleep... Not this time, kmt.
I had to yield, I'd tried my own way long enough I'd exhausted every avenue I could think of and still I got nothing, not even close to a positive result. I started to read the bible when I went to bed and you know what? Not even half way through a chapter I was fast asleep!!!
I thought to myself "nah it's just coincidence I'll try again tonight" same thing happened again! I was in love with my bible, the word of God comforted and soothed me into a restful sleep. After a few nights reading wasn't enough I began to pray after reading and I'd fall asleep mid-prayer. Then I found myself picking up where I left off, in the morning.
I sleep better now and I spend more time in my word which ultimately helps me with my 'walk' if I struggle to read I play my bible app until I fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to cook breakfast.
The moral if this story is if I'd have just stood firm on Gods word and obeyed, half if not all of my struggles would never of have happened. Keep in his word, the promises he made, because they are true. He cannot lie. Even though they were unpleasant I know my God will use my situation for good in my life and in the life of others.
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