Confession is good for the soul!

I kind of missed a bit out, which God brought to my remembrance in the last few days.

So I moved into my new home in May and I was all gassed up ready to turn a sh*thole into a palace (excuse my choice of words). As a short amount of time passed my faith started to run thin, the comments that came thick and fast about how the house looked and smelt, how much work i'd have to put in to bring it up to standard, were   taking my focus off the final goal! I was losing focus and faith, you can't be a successful Christian without either of those. It only took a month and that was it. I'd lost it, what a light weight satan must of been laughing at me from his arm chair he'd disarmed me with only a few words!

I couldn't cope I thought God had lied to me and that he wouldn't see me through I felt tricked into imagining a better quality of life so someone could live in the palace I'd built!!! The bible says God will exchange my ashes for beauty, but that's not what I got... I got the ashes, literally every room stank of stale cigarette smoke a constant reminder of my past 'smoking' the cigarettes crept in really slowly first the odd one or two here and there, then one or two a day and all of a sudden 10 a day! But that wasn't all. There are approximately 6 pubs within walking distance and oh how I love music, that's a deadly little cocktail of music, cigarettes and alcohol! 

But of course I couldn't stop there my moods down, my joy... Stolen! Right out of my hands I wasn't happy I was justabout dealing  with my life my spiritual life was under attack I didn't want to face anyone, I couldn't sleep under the pressure, if I can't sleep I can't look after my children properly. There was no routine, no substance no foundation!

It went in for weeks, everyone I asked for help was busy or only gave me bloody scripture! Forgive me for saying this Lord but scripture weren't gonna do my ironing or put my children to bed at 7pm or help Angel do better in school, scripture wasn't stripping wallpaper or painting ceilings and skirting boards!

I was running on empty again no help, no faith, weak half hearted prayers.

I went to the doctor the only people I could think of that would willingly help me  when I asked, less than 10 minutes later I was on my way to the chemist with a new prescription for anti depressants! A few days passed I didn't feel much better, almost a week later they were kicking in I felt lifted but I still couldn't sleep. I went back to the doctor again got a different set of pills this time. This set made me feel awful all I craved was sweets, cake and chocolate (after working 35 lbs off in the gym along with healthy eating, that kind if diet is a nightmare), I felt as though my mind was separated from my body, I was disorientated all day long it felt like A 'come down' and I still couldn't sleep! Weeks with no sleep and the school holidays were upon me, the doctor recommended I keep taking them, another trip to the doctor a week or two later and another set of pills I'll be honest they were absolute crap! I still couldn't sleep I was getting anxious and really unsettled, the holidays were nearly over and I'd have to get back into routine or school would be on my case about Angel being in on time, plus Kezia was starting her 2 and a glad days a week I wanted to start college (again another story). All through the turmoil God was telling me i needed to read and pray before bed I on the other hand wasn't having any of it because he promised he would furnish my home and I had less now than I had 6 months ago, he told me to give up my car in exchange for something better I was trapped in my house in hot days 'monged' out of my head on pills that caused swelling of the feet! So I was going nowhere especially on foot.

I gave up with the pills they were doing nothing for me suicide thoughts were running wild in my head, luckily I was too lazy to act on them.

Not even shopping made me feel better (and that's saying something!) nor the decorating I managed to complete.

I was another mess my journey seems like two steps forward one step back!

I'd had enough, rock bottom is not where I want to spend the rest of my life I signed up to the gym and went one evening that always puts me to sleep... Not this time, kmt.

I had to yield, I'd tried my own way long enough I'd exhausted every avenue I could think of and still I got nothing, not even close to a positive result. I started to read the bible when I went to bed and you know what? Not even half way through a chapter I was fast asleep!!!

I thought to myself "nah it's just coincidence I'll try again tonight" same thing happened again! I was in love with my bible, the word of God comforted and soothed me into a restful sleep. After a few nights reading wasn't enough I began to pray after reading and I'd fall asleep mid-prayer. Then I found myself picking up where I left off, in the morning.

I sleep better now and I spend more time in my word which ultimately helps me with my 'walk' if I struggle to read I play my bible app until I fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to cook breakfast.

The moral if this story is if I'd have just stood firm on Gods word and obeyed, half if not all of my struggles would never of have happened. Keep in his word, the promises he made, because they are true. He cannot lie. Even though they were unpleasant I know my God will use my situation for good in my life and in the life of others. 

My baby girl

My oldest daughter who I'm going to refer to as 'Angel' came from school yesterday and sat at the table and did her homework with me!

Most people are thinking and???

Ok in her first year at school she was bullied, racially by the other 4 year old children!!! Which completely shattered her confidence I'd lost my little bubbly, happy princess :( We have forgiven the children and the teachers for there lack I action to prevent or stop this happening. After she'd changed schools (no I wasn't goin to leave her there! Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't take positive action) in the last term of year one she took 2 tests which confirmed she was as the school put it 'very dyslexic', she's had a one to one teacher for around 6 months, she's only recently gone back into the classroom with the other children.

Obviously dyslexia doesn't come upon us like the common cold it had been manifesting while she was getting bullied, only adding to her distress and it wasn't without a lot of stress, tantrums and tears that i managed to get her present school to test her for dyslexia.

If anyone tried to get her to read or write her 'Hyde' would come out tables were getting tipped over, chairs were being thrown, anyone who dared to cross her path or try to calm her down was bitten, scratched or hit (this child looks like butter wouldn't melt, like a little cherub).

She was so angry, frustrated, afraid and most likely lonely, trapped in her immature, young mind unable to communicate her thoughts and feelings via speech or paper, like the rest of her peers could.

After one incident she was suspended from school, they had me running back and forth in the freezing cold, every 2 & 1/2 hours, because she was on half days, her daddy had recently been sent to prison. I wanted to cry every day, the teachers were all up in my face and at times in my business!!! Referring outside agencies to 'support' me. "No thank you"

I don't ask for help easily, that was a hard lesson God taught me over a period of time, but that's another story.

All my heartfelt prayers, the crying, the late night phone calls to friends with children that also have what is classed as a 'disability',  being in school with her for the first 30-45 minutes of every school day, whilst worrying about my son, who I'll call 'Niko'  while he was living with his dad and coming back on a weekend so unhappy, plus my fearless 3 year old (at the time) 'Kezia' who was equally worrying me with stories of being kissed on the lips by a carer in her nursery, which I reported to management and was told my child has behavioural problems and is most likely lacking enough attention at home because I'm so 'stretched'

Really??? 

Is everything my fault?

 I mean I've been doing the parenting thing since I was 15 years old i must have learnt something by now!

I thought I was gonna break I didn't know how I was going to survive the next day, I got to the point where I was so emotionally exhausted I was numb just going through the motions, detached and hopeless... My home life was falling apart and I couldn't stitch it back together, no one could help me! Except God but I wouldn't call on God with an open heart, because I was living in sin! Yep indulging in illegal activities which opened the door to a list of other sins.

I was as Lacrae would put it 'on my way to hell with a full tank'

Not only was I struggling with all my children but I decided to move to make life easier, my gosh looking back I don't know what I was thinking when is moving ever easy? I left a nice house for an ashtray/ dog kennel!!!!

Only God could have brought me through all of this, without him I'd be in the psychiatric ward with no chance if being released any time soon!

Truth being told my move was actually a good idea, I'm closer to church and my brothers and sisters in Christ, my friends, I'm closer to school and town, plus the shops close late in this area, there's even a 24 hour garage for my late night munchies :) it's still not finished but it's home and it's as clean as it can be with 3 children.

Once God freed me from my bondage of illegal activities and pointed out how I could have lost mine and my children's life in a motorway accident if it had not been for his divine intervention, the fact he 'loved me' started to become apparent in my mind, over a year after being baptised an filled (talk about slow huh)! After He told me not to get involved with wicked dealings and I went ahead and disobeyed and added a few more naughties to the list that I'm going to have to answer for on judgement day (peak times for me) he still said "no satan you can't have my babies" He forgave me and redeemed me and my bloodline!

Our relationship is getting stronger, we're getting closer I still fail daily who doesn't?I still struggle taking the time and patience to deal with Angels education even though I know how important my input is, but her wanting to come home and do it is so encouraging to me. I am one woman doing a 2 person job, because of careless decisions made in my youth, not that I'd change that now may I add.

Angels getting her glow back and by me taking the time out that I do Niko and Kezia also want to take that time out with me to learn and talk. God being God just upped the stakes on the 30th June he told me I now need to teach my children about Him and all He does for us and He politely reminded me last night too. 

Did I not say I was struggling just to do homework and reading etc. on a consistent basis?

People love to say God doesn't give you more than you can handle! pssht Yes He does! But He also provides his grace and gives you all the tools you need to fulfil His requirements of you.

I could not have made it through this last year or so without Him even though I turned my back on Him to do 'my own thing' prayer is so powerful! Those of you who mock it should try it (Matthew 11:28,30 - Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light)

It makes me feel so happy now to be sat here blogging about what I've been through, because I can see the permanent change that's been made in my life, a change I couldn't have made in my own strength. My children are happier than ever and we're looking forward to bigger and better things all because He loves me.

I went through the fire and came out like gold!

Hope this helps someone x

Men!

So I recently got a word from God through a prophetess regarding my husband to be. Apparently he's been celibate 7 years!!! My gosh I don't even think it's been 7 weeks for me (hope he doesn't see this coz God done hooked him up with a hood rat lol) but it really go me thinking ' if he's pretty much on his way I need to fix up and stop thinking tomorrow's not here yet, I'm a terrible procrastinator, the good Lord knows I need help!

Truthfully I made the decision before I got the word that I wouldn't fall back into bed with any man because to be perfectly honest it doesn't make you feel any better and none of them are even close enough to be considered as a potential husband. Good old discernment allowing me to see through whips, chains and swag to see scared and vulnerable little boys-Ugh!-

On to the point could the devil be any more obvious in his attacks? I mean all of them calling, texting and writing at once! Really??? Currently I'm disgusted but I know if I don't stay in my word I could eventually be tempted! So now I have to watch my back for 'bad days' when I don't feel like reading or praying allowing me to get weakened so I'm easy prey

Fornication is my sin, but I'm yet to find the root cause.... You know the saying for every action is a reaction!? Well sex is one of my reactions, I'm still searching for the initial action.

You got the elders in church complaining about young peoples dress sense and the fact we still go out from time to time, condemning us with those stern looks and giving us another list of rules! To be honest in my opinion if God wanted us to live by rules Jesus wouldn't have been the ultimate sacrifice for our sins!!!

While people are telling me what I should be doing my God is already fixing what has been done!

(Psalm 146:3 he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds)

Introduction

For those of you who don't already know me I'm 29 years old and I have 3 children ,a boy, aged 13, and two girls,aged 6 & 4.

I have 2 baby daddies. I gave my life over to Christ September 2011 since then life has been blessed, but ever a roller coaster  of emotions and personal obstacles I'm to overcome before I make it to heaven!

I probably should have started this blog 2 years ago so you and I could see where I've come from but nothing before time right!?

I'm sure no doubt I'll be sharing flashbacks anyway so it just gives us more to talk about in our future together.

Feel free to ride with me or just watch from where it feels safer, either way this is my life and welcome to it!!!