Is God actually real?

When you try to take five minutes out to just breath and reflect and all you can see and hear in your mind is negativity and doubts! I go to the toilet and there are pictures being pushed under the door, there isn't one room in my house where o can shut the world out and just chill except the kitchen... I do not want to be in there any more hours of the day than I need to be so that's not an option!

So a quick recap... Since breaking up with the oh so pleasant psycho things have been resetting even better than they were before until recently he split up with his girlfriend and started messaging me like we don't have to go to court next week so everyone else knows he's a psycho! Just as life was starting to look up I'm being dragged back into the past, if I don't go to court to give evidence I get reprimanded!!! Like really? So I have to take yet another day off college because of this a-hole, as if I'm not already struggling to keep up with my workload now that I'm homeschooling the girls.

Which brings me to this question is God real? Is my faith real? Have I been making things up and pretending they are from God? Am I making the right decisions? And what decision do I make next? Why is there no one sensible for me to talk to??? Someone who's experienced what I'm going through and got through it ok?

I'm tired of having no money because God said you won't be employed again, why though? And if I didn't make that sentence up why the heck am I going to university? Am I even going to university? Is there any point in finishing this course?

Should I be homeschooling my children because I cannot cope without being able to get a moments peace or leave them to study independently for two minutes with having a pissy fit of my own!

All of a sudden the structure in my house had disappeared! No routine no nothing literally winging it from day to day all the plans I make going to pot!

No prayer life no bible study no time for the gym no time or earphones to sing away my woes. All I can think is, so this great and wonderful God wants me to lead this disastrous life?? People seem to be getting along finest without acknowledging him and  getting stung left, right and centre! 

I have totally unwanted ex's popping up like we spoke last week how uninterested can I be before I need to be rude!?

I've damn near blocked half the world from contacting me but the creepers always find a way under the radar!Fml

I've sacrificed so much to do this course and now right near the end it looks like I'm going to fail! 

Like a mad woman I've started homeschooling my young children so it looks like university is out the window, again if God has a great plan for my life and this is it, what the heck is so great???

If I give up now is it my fault? We're the decisions I made to get here the right ones? 

Where is God now when I need him? 

 

Ready for a new season??

Am I ready for 2015? It's not like I had a choice to stay in 2014 anyway, but no way was I expecting it to be as positive as it has already! I'm passing assignments and getting a new understanding of my subjects and I'm hopefully waiting for a university offer! My life has changed for the good and I can't see a way back. Not that I would want to if I could, I almost feel like I'm on a conveyer belt floating through the days.

My children, ever changing and challenging have had a good start! I thought I was 'losing control' of my son, but he's actually got goals and aims for this year and I'm proud of them and him of course!

My girls are exceeding expectations educationally. 

Who would think that just weeks ago I thought about giving up! Putting my life on hold because it was getting too hard.

Healing the pain

So winters here again, the extended darkness, cold weather and usually lots of miserable faces.

This is the hibernating period, the time when you spend more time home alone or with your family, when you can reflect on the past year and the next to come.

This time of year for me has always been depressing not so much this year but the reflection time is definitely soul piercing! Looking back at my years mistakes, looking at others attitude towards me and before you know it you're going years back and remembering childhood hurts and upsets, then you start to realise how relationships with family and long term friends have formed twisted and unhealthily instead of loving and fruitful.

You start to realise why it feels like you've been banging your head against the same wall for years!

Then you realise that those childhood hurts still hurt, those traumas have imprinted on your mind and divine healing is needed, only problem is for a time divine healing hurts, it's almost worse than the original pain you had to begin with. Of course the after result is deliverance and a new fresh batch of power strength and positivity. In the mean time there are tears, maybe even distorted prayers life might even start to crumble because you haven't built on a solid foundation but on hurt, pain, cracks and disappointment. None of those things are a foundation to be built on, they're the cause of destruction and devastation.

My life up to now even though it's taken a turn for the better has been full of negatives and I dealt with them by pushing them down and putting something else in their place, only now I'm building a future with God and he's saying it's time to dig up those feelings and get rid of them. There's so many I don't want to I don't want to relive the pain or remember how I felt or have to repeat why, I just want it to go away!!!

I hate the way I feel like I float through life while I'm trying to deal with these situations and I overlook my children, I try to stay connected but I'm so wrapped up in my pain whatever they say goes in one ear and out the other. They have no idea what's going on, according to them last week we were just a happy little family baking and watching movies together. This week mummy's locked herself in her room and goes straight to bed after dinner. It's not fair on them but I don't know any other way of dealing with my situation. I don't have that live in partner to bear me up in prayer or keep things rolling when I fall flat.

But in saying all that I have God!!! Only through Him was I able to make it to the healing through worship 1 day course through all the upheaval and the battles the lack and the want. He paved the way I was able to be blessed with the money to get to and from the destination and also bless others.

I almost gave up but my dear sister-in-Christ told me No! And from that little push and the outcome of the result vid decided giving up is no longer an option for my life. It may get hard, I may not see a way out but like a bird hatching from it's egg once it breaks through it's stronger than before... Mission accomplished.

Investments & Returns

Recently my social life has been a myth but luckily I have children! As irritating as they can be with their selective hearing and their own lists of appropriate behaviour, because mine is totally unacceptable of course. I've made a conscious effort to put more time into them all even though I already knew that sometimes if a child doesn't feel loved at home they seek that love and acceptance elsewhere sometimes leading them into problems and dangerous situations. No parent wants hardships or danger for their children. At the same time it helps me not to crave the attention I was receiving from my past relationship, it has genuinely been fun little random shopping trips,going to see the Christmas lights in the centre being turned on ( we were actually super late and just walked around looking at the lights), exercising together, baking again and probably my favourite beauty treatments and pamper sessions!

Including my son I believe men should take care of themselves to I'm pretty sure there are a good number of men with crusty feet out there, it's really not necessary!!!

I'm a qualified nail technician and beautician so I have a lot of left over beauty products from my student and self-employment days, I could never bring myself to throw them away so from time to time they come out and as true little girls do when mummy gets a treatment they want one too. We currently have matching minx toenails (obviously not my son) and we've had a few make up and facial session. What I didn't realise is that as I'm treating myself and my children I'm teaching them, when Kezia offered to help with my facial my initial reaction was nahhhh but then I thought it's just a bit of fun so I let her get  involved to my surprise she was really good at it the technique she used to apply my mask, tone my face and moisturise it, that came with a little face massage followed by a short foot massage. I'm blown away by this I didn't have any idea how much she's learned just my receiving and watch me perform treatments.

I've been going to university open days and taking them with me and hearing them planning careers like nursing and telling me they'll be going to 'that uni we went to today' it sounds pretty basic if you don't understand why I'm so happy.

As a child I wasn't encouraged of guided to do much in my memory and it's taken me many years of quitting, failure, floating through life, being lost in thought and direction before I could finally make a decision on my future I won't pretend I came to that decision entirely on my own if God hadn't put that desire in me I most likely still wouldn't have a clue now. Looking back on all the courses I started but didn't finish or all the jobs I've had I've got loads of skills and experience today they all lead me to my future they tie in well. I laugh to myself when I think about my foot phobia and how I had to overcome it and learn pedicures to pass my nail course, and how I was extremely uncomfortable with close body contact but in order to pass my beauty course I had to get over it. Body contact and interaction with others is pretty much necessary on a daily basis in the working world. God knew what he was doing when I only wanted something to do to get me out the house. I didn't realise at the time I would be investing in my future,  and my calling. It's even more amazing to know I can take a skill I've learnt and invest it in my children so they grow aswell. The foundation we lay for our babies is very important you don't always see the benefits at first but eventually they start to return, with interest!

The fact my son was around 11 when I began to find out who and what I am is noticeable, he still shows signs of being unsettled, unsure and inconfidence, if course he puts on a front but I'm mom' I see right through it.

To me this means I've got to put in double the work with him to give him a better chance and to reverse the effects of instability in his life and decisions. Although he's 14 he needs me to hold his hand every step of the way until he gets to his destination sometimes his attitude and behaviour make me not want to go near him let alone invest my time and effort into him, I'm a single parent with two other children my time seems limited in between my own studies, having to search for a job, the at home stuff and trying to stay spiritually boosted. 

At times I still feel like just giving it all up but I get a lot of signs and conscience pricking to do with me learning to step outside my comfort zone and not to stop pushing always stay praying.

When I get little returns like my girls giving me beauty treatments I know I have to keep going even if it's slowly I can give up it doesn't just affect my future it affects their foundation. No parent wants their child to struggle in life. 

Catch up

So much has happened I've not known where to start, but if I'm gonna start somewhere I might as well start with God is good!!!

My understanding of his love for me has increased and I'm even more grateful for his agape love than ever before!

Despite the fact I allowed myself to take part in a relationship that was clearly a counterfeit blessing he kept me, things could have ended worse, I could even still be on the spirit sapping relationship, constantly fighting for peace of mind. He started out so perfect finishing my sentences and almost reading my thoughts. He was so kind and caring and seemingly thoughtful...

The not-so-perfect guy I was dating turned out to be a complete nut job! My course although it's nearly all new to me, isn't as hard as everyone predicted, I admittedly failed my first essay and understand practically nothing about ICT and statistics. Finally all my children are in school and masses of progress with their learning and behaviour are being made. I can see a love for learning in them I prayed so much for this.

My relationships with my parents are healing. My house is more of a home than ever and I have an absolutely new perspective on my life!!!

It's still not a walk in the park and recently I've been feeling heavy and unusually sad. I feel as though people still think I have everything together and under control and therefore can manage more... I actually am like everyone else desperately trying to keep everything together and under control!

At the moment exercise and fitness are keeping me sane it's a healthy way for me to inflict pain on myself without scars or shame or health problems.

Looking through all my note books I see how far I've come this last year and how many of my prayers have been answered.

I'm finding myself and rooting myself in Christ, but the cell group I was part of seems to have disbanded?!?! It's not a bad thing my priority is my children, the first ministry God has given me, so I'm usually home with them watching movies (that's our thing at the moment) but in all honesty I can't help but wonder if we're supposed to make more time for each other or if it was just a time and season to get us through our hardest part of  our journeys, the first part.

A few of us have moved city, gotten engaged and married, things are constantly changing it's hard to keep up, but I now know God never changes He is always faithful and true! Focusing on temporary things doesn't amount to anything but focusing on God will move mountains and amount to greatness 

Winter worshipper, summer sinner

For as long as I've been 'saved' I've been hardcore all for Christ in the winter and doing my own thing in summer!

Church is usually quite empty in the summer because that's when everyone goes on holiday and for me it seemed boring, no point going to see empty seats.

Last year I noticed my cycle and this year I decided to do something about it... I was going on a vacation from God I was gonna stick right with him and go even more, read more, pray more, worship more, you know the standard things that go out the window when the sun comes out. I'll admit  hoping next year I'm even better at it, more loyal to the core of my life.

 It wasn't easy I almost went off track, but the burning inside reminded me that I was lacking and surviving each day rather than living it.

Then tragedy struck sickness followed by a death of someone close to my heart, it was a serious jolt, if I wasn't leaning on God I could have slipped right into a deep hole.

Last summer I was on antidepressants because I couldn't cope with the responsibilities and frustrations of moving into a sh*thole basically alongside trying to maintain minimal disruption to my children especially with Angel having learning difficulties and finding school hard enough.

This year I'm dealing with a house full of 9 children and 3 adults, 2 birthday parties within 2 weeks, a stalkerish kind of ex boyfriend (that's a whole other blog) and the death of a loved one! Hand on my heart if it wasn't for the love and peace given to me by God I would be back on them pills.

I've even managed to get a little job covering staff leave.

Without God none of this would have been possible I'm glad I saw a kink in my path n resolved to straighten it. Nearly the whole world lives for the summer which is only 3 months out of twelve why focus on only 3 when you have 12???

My worship aka christian lifestyle should be all year round because God doesn't take holidays from watching over me.

The calm I feel I'm the midst of the storm is amazing! I'm beginning to grasp the meaning of keep your eyes upon God. As many people have said bring a christian doesn't mean life gets easy it simply means God will give you the tools to get through all circumstances.

And to top that off I've stopped smoking at one of the most stressful times possible. I pray I stay a non-smoker it's not something I enjoyed, it pretty much had a hold on me and I like to feel free so like the man, the cigarettes had to go...!

Hard work!

Well after whining about being single for so long I come I realise it's not actually that bad. Relationships are hard work... Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

I'm a runner when things get difficult or don't go according to my plans I run/ walk away I can only imagine what success I could have had if I'd stuck at a few things.

The worst thing is I see these traits in my children, so quick to give up, change direction and decide it's not the pasty they want to follow because it's not an easy path.

I don't want that for my children I have to keep pushing them, and lead by example  which for me would be hard because I've set no example previously.

But! What do you do when you have no peace in a situation