Depression

Despite the fact I'm always trying to help those in need I actually can't help myself very much!

It makes no sense to me how I can worry about homeless people and lost souls when I can't function properly without my daily meds.

The embarrassing part is looking back on my actions when I haven't taken them regularly, it worries me now that I need them. I shouldn't have to even take them I've got God right!?

So why is it so difficult to have a normal day without them? Why can I not deal with my emotions and feelings like a rational adult? I'm almost 30 and a mother of three for crying out loud.

The most puzzling part is why do I find I need them to 'prop me up' more now than when I was 'of the world'?

Depression and anxiety isn't something Christians speak of much other than "it's from the devil!" Doesn't really help lol

I know I don't have weed and alcohol as crutches any more. Did I actually depend on them that much?

What do I do now when things start to get on top of me, I don't want hear a single person utter pray!!!

It's not really as simple as just praying, without my pills I'm on edge, I'm nervous, snappy and anxious, my minds busier than a bee in the height of summer and motivating myself is double effort!

It's like standing in quick sand, you sink so slowly it's almost painful to see. 

It's totally not fair on my children or any other innocent bystander. Imagine getting road rage when you're not even driving!!!

Wanting to beat people up for the tiniest offenses and wanting to cry for no apparent reason, but there's never a spare drop of water at the time.

I haven't felt like this for a long time, now unfortunately, my doctors have changed their computer system and getting hold of a prescription is like squeezing blood out of a stone... The more walls I come up against the more anxious and frustrated I get before I finally give up, sulk and sink into despair and depression!

What's really weird is everyone keeps texting and asking me if I'm ok. I am ok I'm not hungry, cold or homeless in that sense I'm great. On the other hand I feel a slow decline to death coming on, I can't really be bothered to explain it to anyone because unless they've been through it they just don't get it.

Of course Christians aren't meant to suffer from these things there is probably a few scriptures about this loads of prophets were often depressed, even King David went through it but right now I could read those same scriptures repeatedly and it would bounce off my heart like water off a rock, it just isn't receptive when I'm like this. 

Think I'll scrap the makeup tomorrow and try going to the doctors personally, time is usually against me in all honesty but no way am I going back to that cave I hide in when the world around me gets too much, if that fails I have choir practice so that may help for the time being.

Chances are I'll write a really chipper blog in a few days like this never happened lol

I'm not crazy, well at least I don't think I am!?!?

Wifey material?

I can't believe I made it through January! Thank God for bringing me through it wasn't as tough as previous years have been but January isn't usually an easy month for anyone.

What I've come to realise more in the recent weeks is that me and my sisters are struggling, with being single. We say we won't compromise, and we mean it but we do! There's always the one that got away that we now recognise and wish we could do things over. 

It never used to be a problem to be single, for me it was always a choice. Now however it's a struggle in my group and among a lot I christian women all we desire is to be settled down. Is it because sex out of marriage isn't the way, but we're so use to having it we can't see any other way?

It's not like no one doesn't have sex outside of marriage I'm guilty of that, but that's another blog for another day!

I've come to realise some of us don't love or value ourselves enough yet, some of us are impatient, some of us have had some bad counsel. Being a single Christian woman has some serious taboo areas! I mean who do we talk to about these things? Married people seem too scared to even want to hear these things... I don't want to be single for the rest of my days, but I sure don't want to forget how I feel so I can help the future singles in years to come. Unfortunately there is no set answer to deal with these problems no one answer to cure our feelings of guilt and frustration. 

No knowing if you will get married to your soul mate and live prayerfully ever after or if you're called to a life of celibacy serving God alone!! I think the latter scares a lot of women I can't say it scares me, but I'd rather know so I set my sights on the right goal. I've stopped preparing for my 'future husband' and started taking one day at a time. My children are my focus but I can't focus on them if I don't stay close to God. I feel like I've been drifting in months past getting lukewarm, which is something he doesn't want! Scripture says to be hot or cold, it makes sense really because I've never met any person who likes lukewarm drinks.

If I go back a few months to where I was focused on preparing for marriage if I'm honest I was overwhelmed, I got myself all stressed and flustered trying to ready myself lool how does that make sense? God made man from dirt/ mud since  when could dirt clean dirt? How can I prepare and clean myself off if my views on relationships and men are distorted and worldly? It's safe to say that didn't last long anyway before I knew it I got sidetracked and lost my footing.

So what are we supposed to do to prepare for marriage? My answer to that question is nothing just work on improving yourself and your skills for example I'm trying new recipes and perfecting old ones, not for any potential husband just because it's a skill I'd like to have in the meantime my children can enjoy my new found culinary skills. I'm going to the gym not so I can be slimmer for my husband, but because it helps me clear my mind of all the daily clutter, it's my personal child free time and it actually helps my breathing when singing. I have now conquered my cleaning and am getting the children into the habit of helping, not because no man wants to take on lazy family, but because we deserve a clean house, it's way too much for me to do alone and I'm training my children for when they grow up and leave home to start their own little families.

The bed time routine is stronger and more consistent than ever before, without it the whole house crumbles.

All these changes haven't happened all at once they've been gradual and even unnoticeable at first. I'm grateful for them nonetheless, I appreciate them more because I know God implemented them not me and when God lays the foundation the building cannot be shaken!

Someone aske me last week if I feel as bough I'm preparing for something, I said no I'm doing what's necessary for right now, my home needs decorating now so me and my children have a nice home to live in, not just because a man might want a nice place to live if and when I meet him.

So looking at the bigger picture maybe I am being readied for a husband but I know there is still a lot of work to be done, but you know what? I'm not worried today I'm going to devote myself to my God and my family and be grateful for what I already have!