Daddys girl, mummy's boy

Well hello! It's been a while I hope the day finds you well.

I've been so off track recently and I've had a bit of illness to endure so I've been fairly quiet.

I have a spot of good news to share!

A while back I felt as though God told me to bless someone with £200! Yes I know I don't even work and I'm handing out sums of money like that lol.

I went through my usual "oh but I wanted to buy..." And "it's the first time in months I've got 'play' money" but u did it I sowed my seed and prayed on it and to be honest I was a bit of a bad farmer and forgot about it. But, God didn't it's coming up to the celebration we call Christmas and u planned to keep it so low profile that I didn't bother with trees (that's another blog for another day) decorations or masses of unnecessary toys and clothes, in all honesty I was waiting for the sales.

I haven't bought a lot more than £30 worth of gifts for my children because I don't want them to think that's what it's about I want them to recognise it's not all about them and that I buy them things often, things needed and rewards for good behaviour.

Under my tree is presents from others enough to keep them happy for the rest of the holidays. I also received £200 to do food shopping from my brother ( the shock of it. Really I'm startled) 

So my tree isn't bare my cupboards are overflowing I've even got change left over!!!

Now I'm not saying I got all these blessings because I gave someone money. I'm saying wow lol

That would be an amazing coincidence to get back the £200 when I 'need' it the exact amount I gave away.

And I didn't stress and strive over getting money for presents, I didn't take out a loan even though I was tempted. My Heavenly Father has provided above and beyond what I could have imagined.

He literally took care of all my needs and I didn't even ask, I've just been trying to get as close to him as I was before my slip.

He even gave me a little view of January and I must say I am well pleased! Also kind of embarrassed at my outburst towards him. He knew I had all this coming, I was on the edge of a breakthrough and didn't even know it. I'm hoping I can recognise the signs next time, I screwed up this time so I can assure you there will be a next time (roll my eyes-at myself)

I finished my decorating at light speed it was over by the time I'd gotten into it. Now I want to do the bit I was willing to pay someone to do for me, but not until next year I'm taking time out to re cooperate.

I feel somewhat lighter, less burdened it could be my medication but I highly doubt it has that much power over my life. 

It's not easy being me, though people seem to think it is... My son's 13 ask any parent of grown up children or parents of teens and they'll have you there for hours with their stories and their ups and downs.

It dawned on me that even though we know to speak life (positivity) we sometimes don't realise when we speak death (negativity & criticism).

Most people will agree teenagers are moody, selfish and lazy. If we keep saying it they will be.

I was thinking on the last few hectic weeks with my son and his friends and could swear I heard God say not to speak ill about his anointed and I remembered my son has been baptised (don't know how I could really forget that). 

What that means us he has the same legal spiritual rights as me he's not just my son, he's my brother which means I need to encourage and deify him the way my sisters-in-Christ have been doing with me. 

I can't just say "oh ur lazy" etc because he's Gods child I'm just speaking judgement on myself.

As parents we are supposed to teach and encourage our children to do good. It took for the break down in relationship with my own mum for me to recognise who and what a parent should be.

There is only a 15 year age gap between me and my son, which means our relationship isn't strictly mother/ son. We are like brother and sister and friends too.

Some people don't think parents should be their children's friends, but we openly talk to our friends and I want all my children to openly talk to me. I want to know exactly what I need to pray for, we don't have time for 'general' prayers or assumptive prayers we need to get straight to the heart!

This is so off subject but I guess it needed to be said.

My son walks with me daily, he knows my struggles, battles and triumphs better than anyone and I always let him know it's Gods hand that provides for us because my way would have been me high and them eating toast or something. It sounds terrible but I didn't always have positive guidance so my reactions to situations out of my hands was to self destruct. If I hurt myself first then anything after is a minor.

He sees first hand the miracles and workings of God in our lives.

I even tell him when I'm slipping, we don't need to go into detail, but I like to think he prays for me and is unfortunately fast forwarding into his role of man of the house' whilst learning from mistakes that I freely own up to, and learning the consequence of sin and disobedience.

The same son that stresses me is the same son that blesses me!

My children teach me so much I feel how God feels towards me, when I think of how I feel towards them.

He looks after me better than anyone ever has, his promises are real and true. He just requires honesty that's something   I stress to my children if they've been naughty just own up. Mistakes are inevitable, putting your life in Gods hands will never be a mistake no matter what  or how you feel 

Heart breaking

I met a young man last night who had been badly beaten up and mugged whilst waiting for his coach home to London. 

My brother called me at around 4am to say he was outside, random because seconds before he came I woke out of a deep sleep.

He had saved his life!!!

This 18 year old boy was so distressed I just wanted to grab him and hold him until he was healed. 

In all honesty the night was completely God ordained, I was supposed to go link my man friend and I fell asleep if I had gone out I would have been too tired to wake up when I did.

Many people have asked why I chose to move back to the intercity because it's so  'crime ridden' but looking at the bigger picture if I wasn't here on a bibical named street would I be able to open my doors to people in need? 

God sends the light into the darkness! Even if I'm not the brightest light, living the most righteously if I'm only a bright light in some circumstances I'm a light none the less, in the intercity where it's most dark and in need of light.

As I walk through the streets nowadays even in my not so righteous state I know I'm different I can almost feel my aura glowing on my surroundings. I feel more pleasant towards people, I'm weirdly happier within myself. I smile for no reason which might be why people stare at me like I've got a big spot on my nose lol.

I can't help but help! These last few weeks I've decorated and pulled my life back into order (still a work in progress but way better than before) and all I've been saying to God is I'm getting what I want but I feel an emptiness inside in comparison to how I felt when I was doing your will and not my own!?

When I was doing his will I only wanted to do my own, how confusing does that sound? You could say I'm a typical woman always changing my mind.

I used to take people in that needed somewhere to live when I had a spare room in my old house. They weren't the best experiences if I'm honest but I still open my home to those in need, some only need a drink and a chat, some need toilet roll, some need a bed for the night. If I can provide it I'm in a position to give why should I not?

I'm blessed and I appreciate it enough to bless someone else out of what I have.

I need so much (in my opinion anyway, doubt God sees them as needs), but there are always people who need something so little, something I may over look and take for granted.

I've been in need many a times and those who could have helped me chose not to, I'd they had chosen to bless me I might have avoided some dire situations. 

I'm not confirming these people I'm taking those experiences and using them for good.

My son got to see the possible outcome of being in the wrong place, with the wrong people for things you needn't be dealing with, the young man happily spoke to him to give him some sound advice! Stabbed and arm broken for a little weed, it's not worth it. I lived weed for many years and it's not harmless, it is a drug that distorts your thinking and can put you in dangerous situations. Whether selling or smoking it's illegal for a reason.

It was also a chance for my brother, who is running from his calling, to develop his ministry skills. It was amazing to hear him talking and testifying to this young man about a better way of life and the consequences of his lifestyle.

Moral of the story is God is good!!!

He never ceases to amaze me and I love the way he uses me even after all the times I've failed him.

Scripture says taste and see that The Lord is good, I feel like I've just eaten the sweetest pie ever and I don't want to be a gluten but I want more :)

Back on the narrow road

 December, new start or should I say try again?

For me it seems like ages since I last blogged, so much has happened I wouldn't know where to begin, but I will say I've had  to do a lot of listening instead of talking.

I am absolutely grateful for, whom I consider, my armour bearer . Without her prayers and encouragement I don't think I could have come through this without her support.

I'm kind of guessing all that's been going on has been an attempt to stop me going where I need to be.

I hope you can all see the life of a Christian isn't all flowers and hymns!

It's hard and it sucks sometimes.

Bit by bit everyone and everything is being stripped from me, family, friends home comforts, my dreams and aspirations.

I've been through another life changing battle, I always say to God "why couldn't you just tell me?" He usually says "you wouldn't listen if I did!" I guess I'm one of them that learn the hard way *roll my eyes*

After standing alone in the battlefield I realise I only have God. He is my all in all. Nothing in this world will satisfy me or my needs quite like he does!

I was all excited about wearing my sexy dress to a party next week, but I don't wanna go because Gods presence is not gonna be in there!

I don't want to live another day without him all over and around. When everyone else has gone about there business he's still there! When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm rich, when I'm poor he is always there to support and comfort me. Believe me when I say a great many people have turned their backs on me because I spit the truth like venom because I speak out against injustice, people who told me they would be there for me and I could call on them any time lol they're not here today! They happily walk past me like I'm a shadow, they're busy when I'm in their vicinity.

Mali music quotes in his song 'fight for you'... "and those you trust will start to turn too, so don't pay too much attention to the stuff they say they won't do"

This song literally attached to my spirit before my turmulous times started! I was forewarned Jesus would fight for me, I'm special I'm not to be changed, remade,conformed to any person or church, I'm for his use only!!! 

That's not something people like to see or hear so if that's you too, expect a constant raging war, it's not just me he's fighting for it's my bloodline, my children the future apostles, prophets, evangelists and worship leaders. My lineage is blessed and it I fall out of sync I'm taking the rest of the train off the track too, no parent wants to be responsible for their child/rens death spiritual or physical.

I have to keep fighting, Jesus visited me in a dream and showed me women I didn't know with sad stories and told me they needed me. Who me? What can I do? I can't even quit smoking! 

My dirty past, my broken family history every bad thing I've been through and come out of in one piece is going to help those women and their children.

I saw twice that day the race where a runner fell horribly and got up carried on running and won the race... Confirmation always comes twice right!? He was telling me get up, keep running you can still win!

I'm so gassed right now (youth talk...yes I'm still young so I try) like a new fire has been lit insider and I just want to run and touch everyone with it! Start a whole bunch of holy fires. Spread love like I'm on ecstasy, Jesus has this effect on me, people make me the opposite. My seasons are short and sweet I don't spend lifetimes with friends I never have done. It upsets people and when our season is over they slander me and rob me but yet still, I can still love that has got to be a heavenly gift right? 

When I can't go on, when I collapse exhausted in a heap Jesus picks me up and carries me... He said I'm worth it and he refuses to lose me. He doesn't lie so how can I not believe him?