poetic injustice

i feel as though i have been stripped naked

And my flesh has been ripped and torn My heart feels as though its bleeding, just bleeding 

My naked body is offensive to the sight of all 

My wounds must be letting off a terrible smell because noone dares to come near me 

My weaknesses are etched on my mind Unable to remove them i think on them daily 

Revisiting my sins mentally 

Leaving my mind battered and bruised 

So desperate for healing 

So soft and tender anything and everything can penetrate the surface 

Seeping into my most secret thoughts 

Blackening my mind

I'm drowning in darkeness inside and naked and exposed by light outside 

For what cause do i suffer? 

For the glory ofGod? 

Or for my numerous sins? 

The God that offers healing and redemption is slow to bring relief to my tormented soul 

How long shall goodness and joy evade me?

Will restoration ever come my way?

Are the promises of Yahweh even for me? 

I've been some places

And done some things

That would make the devil himself blush 

My days are numbered 

And my lifespan is short 

Way too short to spend it grieving 

And worrying 

While my heart is still bleeding 

Out of the heart springs the issues of life 

My heart is bleeding the life out of my body 

When my life is done and all poured out... What next?

Continued

Over the last few days it's not really for much better, I admitted that u still need God and always will but my heart is so cold and hard towards him. I don't understand it my own will and what I want to do doesn't burden me or make me feel guilty, I'm just not bothered!

It does concern me yes but not like before it's a weird sense of freedom the kind of freedom I don't know what to do with.

I can't even be bothered to try and I'm rapidly running out of chances and options to save myself. I am actually drowning in myself?

Doesn't make much sense but if you e ever been through it you'll know.

I can't be bothered to do the right thing anymore my 'conscience' doesn't prick me like it would have.

The sound of people talking church in my ear is so damn irritating I don't think it will be long before I lash out and physically hurt someone!

I care for nothing I probably feel like king Saul after God took his anointing Way to give to David, but the words of my songs don't touch my soul anymore just my eardrums... The outer part of me because inside is closed or dead whichever is more appropriate.

I have no desire to do anything and those people who depend on me will be sorely disappointed if they don't learn to stand on their own two feet real quick.

I'm totally drifting I don't even want to associate with anyone, conversation is boring.... Times like these when an iPhone is a burden. When you just want to be left alone!

Dunno what's gonna happen from here on out might update ya, might not lol

But for now I'm going to lie in bed tormented and wide awake like nearly every night!

Outburst over

So while still running, still trying to ignore God I won't lie, I don't wanna hear it and I don't wanna read it, but can I stop speaking it? Kmt

My gosh that 'word' has taken over my life, and how is it that now everyone needs some Godly advice and just gotta call me?

I had one drink! While cleaning my kitchen one night the next morning I woke up feeling like I'd put my head infront of a moving train, one drink? That's never happened to me before. 

I've had some crazy dreams where my garage got robbed but pretty much everything was still there.

I had a dream where me and Jesus were visiting YouTube pages of women with sad life stories.

The dream that stands out the most is the one where he told me I was 'free to go' 3 times he repeated it and 3 times I felt a detatchment in my stomach!

Then I heard in order to leave you need to renounce Jesus and what he's done for you... Well for me that bit isn't quite as easy! I can't ever say he didn't die for me and I can't ever say his name released me when I've been pinned down in bed at night, like really isn't there another way, because that would be a complete lie to deny him.

So I'm free to go but I gotta renounce Jesus, totally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My lauryn hill unplugged cd came a week earlier than expected and I kin of know why now. How inspiring! How promising! How motivating! She's been through it she's endured and she's come out a new person... Confirmation that there will be life on the other side if I continue.

I carried on with my days but not as usual. The days seemed harder to get through and colder and longer.

Thursday I went to choir practice, and we sung of course. The words we sang on the last song were like OMG I've been going about this all wrong, Gods words or revelation pissed me right off, but Jesus is still cool, he's my big brother that looks out for me he 'intercedes' for me so I can still talk to him.

When my family feud they pretty much always go through me.

Mali musics fight for you song was a forewarning to me Jesus said (in the song) no need to worry bout them let me downs... He knew he'd have to fight or me from day one... He's be my protector, my direction and protection... I could be anything to them, but to him I'm perfect... He refuses to lose me!

I still can't face the ultimatum Gods given me or the load he's expecting me to carry. I don't particularly want the destiny he's mapped out for me either, but I do need him.

This is the closest I've ever come to leaving, usually it's because of self condemnation, this time it was anger!

I probably failed my test miserably and I'm gonna have to retake it kmt 

It really sucks that so many people depend on me and that I have to live a certain way for their salvation rather than my own. This intercession business isn't any fun, I can see my life slowly slipping away my wants going on a back burner and I don't want that, I don't care if Gods plans better it involves too many sacrifices.

How can I be expected to do so much when I come from so little? It way out of my comfort zone, too far in the deep for me to even want to try.

I keep hearing one day at a time, but each day I know where I'm heading and hoping he'll change his mind and if I do bad he'll give my crown to someone else and I can just chill.

Another fall

Yeah so I umm... Slipped up again!!!

And with every fall comes consequences. It's not like I don't try because I really do, I'm just not good at being good. I struggle with killing the flesh and not succumbing to my desires because I have a lot of them it's a huge battle every day being nice! The bible says do not grow weary of doin good lol I laugh because that's exactly what happens it gets tiring and boring not bein able to tell people how you feel about them or even just not delivering that swift box when you feel they need one.

It's hard having to pray for everyone and everything. 

When you've had a lifetime of let downs it's not easy to trust in someone you can't see, someone you don't even realise is talking to you until later on. I can't just hand over my whole life into the hands of another person when everyone previously has let you down in some way or another. I have needs and to say to myself if not anyone else those needs aren't important is almost like lying to yourself!

I'm used to living a certain way and I'm supposed to give up everything I know for a greater unseen cause!? Yes I love helping people and comforting them, but I'm not sure I love doing it at any cost. If I'm completely honest I feel as though Gods asking to much of me, because with great anointing comes great suffering!

I don't know how much more suffering I can take before I go on a mad killing spree, like those crazy teenagers in America.

I don't actually want to suffer, no one does really.

The mad spiritual battles I have cannot be necessary, can they?

One after the other there's rarely a nice quiet time in my life where everything is running smoothly. I don't remember it being like that in my life before Christ, I could well be wrong. There's a part in the twighlight book series when Bella says she doesn't remember life before she was a vampire very clearly, it seemed blurred. I can relate to that but Omgosh it is calling me like never before. The wicked little me is bursting to get out and run riot to my satisfaction, but I've tried backsliding before it's not that glamorous  . It's actually really hard, like when Neo takes the pill in the film 'matrix' once your eyes are opened they cannot be closed, so I'm stuck! Stuck between what I know and love and what I need.

In my perception I've done some 'Christian' things and to my knowledge God hasn't come through for me, I've done some wrecky things with great results it doesn't make sense... Yes I know God doesn't and won't make sense my mind can't comprehend his greatness or understand his methods.

I am far from pleased with the behaviour of many so called Christians in fact it's just straight bullsh*t I wanna put my foot in peoples faces and God be like no read scripture and pray, really?!?! It sounds like a p*ssy approach to me.

Regardless of anyone else my number one problem is me!

I probably don't have enough faith, I probably don't pray enough but whatever , I can't help but want what I want and sometimes it's not always what's best for me.

When I first got save I wanted to speak in tongues soooo badly people where like just wait it will come in time... What they didn't know is I had been waiting since I was an infant I wanted it before I wanted Jesus.

Now people be telling me to wait on God for my husband mate! I been waiting longer than the 2 years you see I want some sanctified sex. The kind you don't have to repent for after.

I want to hurry up and get my house finished some people can live like that but yo that ain't me.

The changing processes are ridiculous I always grow that's part of being human if you don't grow and change you got issues.

Bottom line is I don't feel altogether too worthy of these promises I'm receiving and I don't get why so much struggling has to be done to achieve them. When you go hard for so long and realise your still going hard to no avail it's real disheartening and right at this moment doesn't even seem worth it.

Even blogging this I know I've got to hold on and hold out, but in all honesty I don't want to. 

I don't want to keep fighting against myself for once I want to be selfish and put me first!

If that makes me bad then I'm gonna own it at least I'm not lying or being a hypocrite.... T.B.C

Compassion

Most people already know about the big typhoon that hit the phillipines. Despite the fact the medias already started moving on to the 'new' news... So typical of people.

I have compassion on my Facebook page as I sponsor a child through them.

They've requested everyone spreads the word about what's happened, which is fine by me those people out there need help!

Now I sponsor a child same age as my daughter that he can have opportunities and a chance in life. The child I sponsor is from the Philippines!

I got a letter from him yesterday, but because of the worldwide postage timescale I'm pretty sure he sent it before devastation happened.

Now I don't know if my 'child' is alive, I dot know if he has that future God told me to ensure he would receive.

When I agreed to sponsor a child I had no preference on the form only that the child who had been waiting the longest would get my help, I wished I could help all the children really.

I believe the whole thing was orchastrated by God, now I have to pray not only for my 'child' but his whole country. God knows how much I love to pray... Awkward silence lol.

Praying from the warm safety of my own home just doesn't cut it, I've got to donate, I've got to tell the world these people need your help, if you're reading this you most likely have internet so don't act like your broke!

As I watched the news I couldn't help but cry as people were begging for just water! Something I have in abundance at the turn of a tap! There are women giving birth, bringing new life, into that unimaginable circumstance. Where I'm from preparing for your baby is even more fun than having the baby! Picking out clothes and cribs and prams. Spending hundreds of pounds on temporary use items. The babies that are being born in the phillipines are only wrapped in cloth, sharing the first moments of their lives surrounded by pain and loss, wailing and death.

If that's not heartbreaking, you have no heart!

People spend a countless amount of time talking about people and what they're doing, how much of that time can you spend helping people?

Matthew 25:41-45 then he will also say to those on the left hand, depart from me you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for i was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.

Then they will also answer Him saying Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or naked or sick or in prison and did not minister to You? Then He will answer them saying 'assuredly I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.'

The human race is so self absorbed, me included, that we forget others have more needs than we do, needs that even though we may not think we have much we have enough I make a difference to someone else's life and we shouldn't have to wait for a once a year event to make changes, some of us don't even have a year left to live!

Sowing seeds of blessings

So now I have an understanding about tithes and offerings, not just a "bible says so" understanding.

After reading it, hearing it and then getting confirmation from three completely different sources! I think I get it now.

I've always been a giving person, probably why people always try to take advantage of me, it's in my nature. You could say it's a gift of the spirit. Even though at times it feels like a curse.

A lot of people resent giving money to churches and homeless people, because they always think "what are they doing with my money?" To be honest that's not your concern! If you give because you want to or because you have been told by God to, there is no way your blessing can't come back round.... Unless!!! You prevent it.

I could 'sow a seed' (give £5 to a homeless person) and it could be my last £5 but God tells me to I can rest assured in the promises 'he will supply all my needs according to his riches in glory' and 'I have been young and now I am old and I have never seen the righteous forsaken or begging bread' as well as 'bring a tenth of your income into my storehouse... See if I don't open the windows of heaven and pour out blessings, so much you won't have room to receive them'

There are many more promises in the bible I can say, quote, speak that is equivalent to watering the seed you've sown.

The same as when you plant a seed you don't expect to get just one of what you've planted back. You can get ten times, sixty times or even a hundred times as much back, the bible tells you that also.

I know some stingy ass Christians! Don't want to give because they don't think they have enough or they think thy have just enough for themselves and if God wanted them to give he would give them an increase. Like, what the deuce? 

If we're honest if we got the increase before the giving we'd think of something else we could spend it on and where's the faith?

Those people can infect you and your thoughts. They are so sure of what they're saying and what they believe that they'll have you believing the same before you know it you're broke talking bout you don't know what happened! You know full well what went wrong!

The other night I sat watching the news for the first time in ages, I try to avoid it because I think the media are pretty much false, but that's my opinion, I saw the after effect I the storm that ripped apart the phillipines. As I sat and watched I couldn't help but cry, the people were only asking for 'food and water'! The land looks so desolate, the people look devastated. Lost lives, innocent children hurt, trapped or even dead. How could your heart not feel torn?

I have a home, food, a regular income, free education for my children, free healthcare etc. I feel so rich when I look at all I have but at times I feel ungrateful like it's not enough. It's more than a lot of people have and I don't even realise.

God said "I want you to give £15" I said "when, I ain't got no spare change right now. I got 3 direct debits coming out and I've left that exact amount in the bank for them" God weren't breaking it down for me again he said "£15" I sat an pondered as I picked up my phone to send payment ' the only thing I could go without paying was my phone bill it's a luxury but they don't half charge when you miss a payment' I did it and I felt instant relief and peace. Then I felt a little annoyed they wouldn't be taking the money ASAP but it's not about my timing.

So as soon as the next day, I had an unusual day. Cut a Long story short on my way home someone gave me £20 and I glimpsed some paint for my girls' bedroom when I went in to ask the price of this 2.5ltr of dulux silk paint the man told me £6! I could of fainted lol. So not only did I get my £15 back I got an extra £5 on top of it and this paint I'd been wanting to get for less than half price!!!!

All he wants is obedience and faith

Listen to him when he tells you to give. Have faith that he won't take from you without giving you back more.

In all honesty everything we have belongs to him anyway, he only asks us for10% back that's £1 out of every £10. We're happy to give manufacturers and fast food merchants a pound anytime to get back things that are most likely damaging to our health, yet we don't want to give the supplier of goodness and mercy a pound for much more in return. And we say we're righteous and set apart!? Without faith it is impossible to please him so if you're doing something, anything, do it in faith!

Sow - water - collect the harvest

Settle the matter

So I was jamming reading my bible chilling out as I do on a weekend. With me not having to rush up and down on the school run.

I got an email from my broadband and home phone provider saying I owed £64.46! I don't think so.

I would have called yesterday to pay my outstanding balance of £27.04 if I hadn't lost yet another bank card. I immediately called I dispute the amount. I got a miserable woman, Susan, who basically said it was my fault the bill was so high and if I paid it all they would refund me... Who's got 60 odd pounds to hand over? I wasn't going to overpay so I could get a refund on my bill next month, no thanks we're not playin that fraudulent game, I know my rights.

We had a minor bust up resulting in me saying well you can go ahead and cut my services off because I ain't paying.

I went outside for a cigarette, yes I've started smoking again, and I got an email  it was a verse of the day... 

NIV ISAIAH 1:18

18 "Come now, let us settle the matter," says the Lord. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." Awkward! Lol yeah I got told. I had to call back kmt, my card came a few hours later, conformation again. Called back later in the evening, paid the balance I owed and the charges were cleared. Amen! Another example of his goodness and you don't have to be perfect to receive it. He's a funny guy of all the things he could of said he chose "come now let's settle the matter" in other words he would help me, I don't have to do anything alone... Sweet meee

Shedding skin aka shedding old life

I was laying in bed this afternoon and I was whinging to God about my painful changes, when I suddenly thought is it supposed to hurt!? And snakes shed their old skin more than once does it hurt them? 

I popped a question on Facebook and then thought that wouldn't get a good enough answer quick enough, so I googled it, this is what I got...

No it's not painful for a snake. When reptiles grow they grow out of their skin so they shed it and there is new skin underneath. Reptiles will shed their skin several times as they grow, more often when they are younger since they are growing faster. However as mentioned by some it is difficult for them to shed although its not painful it is very tiring and I have heard it is also stressful for them because they are fairly vulnerable while shedding.

As a snake grows, its skin becomes stretched and worn. A point is reached when it cannot accommodate further growth, so a new skin grows underneath. When this is complete, the old skin will be discarded, along with any parasites it may have picked up. The new skin retains the same patterns and colors as the old.

They shed their skin 7 times: 7 is a holy number, that's a good sign I was thinking the right thing.

They shed skin more in their youth: so translated, as a young Christian I'm to expect a lot more transition periods.

The part I can relate to the most is this, it is difficult for them to shed, although its not painful, it is very tiring and is also stressful for them because they are fairly vulnerable while shedding: I realised I'm not hurting because of the changes I'm going through, I'm stressed because I feel vulnerable. The changes are outside my comfort zone. It's tiring having to constantly strive to breakthrough and big unforeseen changes are never easy.

The bit that's encouraging is: As a snake grows, its skin becomes stretched and worn. A point is reached when it cannot accommodate further growth... When this is complete, the old skin will be discarded, along with any parasites it may have picked up. Lool parasites! I'm sure we've all picked up a few of those in out lifetime. This is proof for me that my struggles are worth it. This backs up the bibles explanation that all things are just for a season. My season of wealthy squandering is definitely over, it's time to watch the pennies, give and spend wisely. It means I am growing, in Christ, I'm not going to be the same next year as I am this year. The same as I'm not the same now that I was last year.

We live in a world that us constantly changing. We as people are constantly changing.

I used to love change, until when?

I recently realised that I no longer change my rooms around weekly I don't think as much about redecorating as soon as I've finished decorating I'm just not bothered nowadays.

Is it a good thing? 

Part of me feels like I'm happy because I have God, and that's why I no longer need to constantly rearrange my life if that is the case then great I'm learning to be content no matter the circumstances just like the apostle Paul.

God will perfect all things concerning me.

I mean I still want a nicely decorated house and cute clothes etc. but if I don't have it I don't really mind.

It's difficult but If you trust God it's not hard or painful!!!

I'll still be me, still look the same just adjusted to my new size.

It's also confirmation for me, that my change of church isn't a figment of my imagination.

I'm just growing!

The next step

I've decided to take the next step, to be obedient to God at last and to leave my current church!

No it's not because they don't want to let children take holy communion lol.

It's been on my mind for so long now it's taking over. It couldn't physically come at a worse time I've been appointed to work with the youth and offered a few roles, I now know that these roles didn't manifest before because it would have been harder for me to leave.

Recently all signs have been pointing in this direction... The most blatant one was a preaching around two weeks ago when the preacher said "when a person comes into a church and they don't share the same vision as the church there's is usually conflict" and there has been an awful lot of conflict, more so internal but conflict nevertheless. I don't think I know the churches vision to be honest, but I know my vision doesn't match up, my needs and desires are not being met and haven't been for a while.

Instead of staying, becoming bitter and missing out on my calling I'm getting up and getting out! 

I know Gods voice and I know he's been telling me to do this and I've been listening to everyone but him... Luckily for me he's patient although I'm sure I've caused myself harm in moving so slow.

I was going to ask my pastor to release me, but I don't believe it's necessary God knows what he desires of me and he's made it known to me, no other party need be involved plus he may try to dissuade me, that would cause uneasiness... Know, I don't need any more of that in my life right now.

I did tell you I'm always on the move, I know where I'm going next isn't my final stop either. 

These churches are like stepping stones on my journey. Just like you can't step on any stone, you can't just go to any church!

I'm excited about my move I know all my needs are going to be met. No more going to the table to eat child size portions then come home and snack. Just hearty, regular meals, with a bit of snacking (metaphorically, but i do like my snacks, biscuits especially)!

Where am i going? I have an idea but for now I'm just going to pray and fast for guidance. I don't need to be making mistakes at this stage when they can be so easily avoided.

I'll still do my choir etc. they're community things I'm involved in and I'm not hating on the church I'm leaving.

I always remember when i first started attending and a lady came to the front to pray with me and said "not to leave because someone upsets me or I don't like something in church, but leave to move on to bigger and better. She's moved on now too, I believe she's doing well, and I sincerely hope she is.

As I made my final decision in the shower a few days ago, I thought wahey, I might meet my future companion in the new church :).... I wouldn't mind anyway lol

I will miss my friends and a good few members but they are all still my brothers and sisters in Christ and I'm sure we'll be praying for each other in the future for now is not the end!

It's the beginning... For me at least!