Healing the pain

So winters here again, the extended darkness, cold weather and usually lots of miserable faces.

This is the hibernating period, the time when you spend more time home alone or with your family, when you can reflect on the past year and the next to come.

This time of year for me has always been depressing not so much this year but the reflection time is definitely soul piercing! Looking back at my years mistakes, looking at others attitude towards me and before you know it you're going years back and remembering childhood hurts and upsets, then you start to realise how relationships with family and long term friends have formed twisted and unhealthily instead of loving and fruitful.

You start to realise why it feels like you've been banging your head against the same wall for years!

Then you realise that those childhood hurts still hurt, those traumas have imprinted on your mind and divine healing is needed, only problem is for a time divine healing hurts, it's almost worse than the original pain you had to begin with. Of course the after result is deliverance and a new fresh batch of power strength and positivity. In the mean time there are tears, maybe even distorted prayers life might even start to crumble because you haven't built on a solid foundation but on hurt, pain, cracks and disappointment. None of those things are a foundation to be built on, they're the cause of destruction and devastation.

My life up to now even though it's taken a turn for the better has been full of negatives and I dealt with them by pushing them down and putting something else in their place, only now I'm building a future with God and he's saying it's time to dig up those feelings and get rid of them. There's so many I don't want to I don't want to relive the pain or remember how I felt or have to repeat why, I just want it to go away!!!

I hate the way I feel like I float through life while I'm trying to deal with these situations and I overlook my children, I try to stay connected but I'm so wrapped up in my pain whatever they say goes in one ear and out the other. They have no idea what's going on, according to them last week we were just a happy little family baking and watching movies together. This week mummy's locked herself in her room and goes straight to bed after dinner. It's not fair on them but I don't know any other way of dealing with my situation. I don't have that live in partner to bear me up in prayer or keep things rolling when I fall flat.

But in saying all that I have God!!! Only through Him was I able to make it to the healing through worship 1 day course through all the upheaval and the battles the lack and the want. He paved the way I was able to be blessed with the money to get to and from the destination and also bless others.

I almost gave up but my dear sister-in-Christ told me No! And from that little push and the outcome of the result vid decided giving up is no longer an option for my life. It may get hard, I may not see a way out but like a bird hatching from it's egg once it breaks through it's stronger than before... Mission accomplished.

Investments & Returns

Recently my social life has been a myth but luckily I have children! As irritating as they can be with their selective hearing and their own lists of appropriate behaviour, because mine is totally unacceptable of course. I've made a conscious effort to put more time into them all even though I already knew that sometimes if a child doesn't feel loved at home they seek that love and acceptance elsewhere sometimes leading them into problems and dangerous situations. No parent wants hardships or danger for their children. At the same time it helps me not to crave the attention I was receiving from my past relationship, it has genuinely been fun little random shopping trips,going to see the Christmas lights in the centre being turned on ( we were actually super late and just walked around looking at the lights), exercising together, baking again and probably my favourite beauty treatments and pamper sessions!

Including my son I believe men should take care of themselves to I'm pretty sure there are a good number of men with crusty feet out there, it's really not necessary!!!

I'm a qualified nail technician and beautician so I have a lot of left over beauty products from my student and self-employment days, I could never bring myself to throw them away so from time to time they come out and as true little girls do when mummy gets a treatment they want one too. We currently have matching minx toenails (obviously not my son) and we've had a few make up and facial session. What I didn't realise is that as I'm treating myself and my children I'm teaching them, when Kezia offered to help with my facial my initial reaction was nahhhh but then I thought it's just a bit of fun so I let her get  involved to my surprise she was really good at it the technique she used to apply my mask, tone my face and moisturise it, that came with a little face massage followed by a short foot massage. I'm blown away by this I didn't have any idea how much she's learned just my receiving and watch me perform treatments.

I've been going to university open days and taking them with me and hearing them planning careers like nursing and telling me they'll be going to 'that uni we went to today' it sounds pretty basic if you don't understand why I'm so happy.

As a child I wasn't encouraged of guided to do much in my memory and it's taken me many years of quitting, failure, floating through life, being lost in thought and direction before I could finally make a decision on my future I won't pretend I came to that decision entirely on my own if God hadn't put that desire in me I most likely still wouldn't have a clue now. Looking back on all the courses I started but didn't finish or all the jobs I've had I've got loads of skills and experience today they all lead me to my future they tie in well. I laugh to myself when I think about my foot phobia and how I had to overcome it and learn pedicures to pass my nail course, and how I was extremely uncomfortable with close body contact but in order to pass my beauty course I had to get over it. Body contact and interaction with others is pretty much necessary on a daily basis in the working world. God knew what he was doing when I only wanted something to do to get me out the house. I didn't realise at the time I would be investing in my future,  and my calling. It's even more amazing to know I can take a skill I've learnt and invest it in my children so they grow aswell. The foundation we lay for our babies is very important you don't always see the benefits at first but eventually they start to return, with interest!

The fact my son was around 11 when I began to find out who and what I am is noticeable, he still shows signs of being unsettled, unsure and inconfidence, if course he puts on a front but I'm mom' I see right through it.

To me this means I've got to put in double the work with him to give him a better chance and to reverse the effects of instability in his life and decisions. Although he's 14 he needs me to hold his hand every step of the way until he gets to his destination sometimes his attitude and behaviour make me not want to go near him let alone invest my time and effort into him, I'm a single parent with two other children my time seems limited in between my own studies, having to search for a job, the at home stuff and trying to stay spiritually boosted. 

At times I still feel like just giving it all up but I get a lot of signs and conscience pricking to do with me learning to step outside my comfort zone and not to stop pushing always stay praying.

When I get little returns like my girls giving me beauty treatments I know I have to keep going even if it's slowly I can give up it doesn't just affect my future it affects their foundation. No parent wants their child to struggle in life.